Category: Parody

Vox Day is Stealing Timothy’s Covers

They’ve always had an on-again/off-again sort of relationship since he hailed Timothy as the next new new new Heinlein but this recent event has caused Timothy more angst than usual.

Here is Timothy’s cover from last year:

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And here is an earlier cover concept for him:

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And here is the blatant rip off as the Vox tries to cash in on Timothy’s substantial audience: http://voxday.blogspot.com/2017/03/the-corroding-empire-preorder-now.html

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Imagine stooping so low as to create a book that mimics somebody else’s just for cheap laughs? Shocking, just shocking. In the meantime There Will Be Walrus: Second Volume V is still available at Smashwords https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/636378 Get it now and the first typo is free!

 

Popular SF editor & Trump Surrogate Denies Meeting Russian Officials

Cattimothy House Chief Editor has found himself caught in the growing scandal around Russian links to the Trump campaign. Timothy the Talking Cat has vehemently denied having any contact with Russia, the Russian Government or Russian business interests despite a photograph in the Bortsworth Gazette & Advertiser showing Timothy in the company of the Russian Ambassador to the United States.

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When reached for comment Timothy said:

“That photo is fake news. I never met those people. Also, they were not Russians. Also, I was meeting them in my capacity as chairman of the Bortsworth & District Squirrel Prevention Society and not in my capacity as a surrogate for the Trump campaign. Also, I don’t wear green suits and also that suit was at the dry-cleaners that day. Anyway, how do you know those guys are Russian? Just because they LOOK Russian? You’re the real racists.”

The Trump administration had this to say: “Timothy the what?  Who is this? How did you get this number? Look buster, we have enough problems without prank calls about cats. Call again and you’ll be getting a visit from the Secret Service.”

The Russian consulate and dry-cleaners in Bortsworth Town Centre were more forthcoming.

“Тимоти очень забавная кошка. Нам нравится ему очень. Мы любим его выходки с белками. Но мы не настоящие русские. Мы всего лишь Google перевести алгоритм одичал” said a strange tinny voice that emmenated from a grating outside a deserted shop front.

“I guess the shop is closed.” I said wistfully.

“But how will I get my suit back now?” asked Timothy petulantly.

“No idea,” I shrugged, “also, this story seems to have changed pace and style mid-way through”.

“I loved that suit.”

“I know,” I said and patted the beleaguered cat on his tiny head.

Rightwing Editor Banned From Multiple Cons

Shocking, shocking news of political discrimination. Now people know my views lean leftward but this is quite flagrant and beyond what is reasonable – a well known and highly respected editor has been banned from multiple SF conventions in 2017.

The editor, a Mr Timothy the Talking Cat, has been quite outspoken regarding his political position in the past but apparently his ground-breaking self-help/political work “Walrus Mindset” [available here: https://camestrosfelapton.wordpress.com/2016/10/31/the-ultimate-scare-walrus-mindset/ ]. Being one of the few pundits to not only successfully predict that Trump would win but also predict the eldritch reality distortion that followed, Timothy has earned a lot of enemies on the so-called “left” and among the so-called “Democrats” in the so-called “United States” on the so-called “continent of North America”.

Not a SINGLE science-fiction, fantasy, anime, comic or popular-culture convention has invited Timothy to be the guest of honour at their con despite his perfectly reasonable rates of $5 million (plus: 10-mile radius squirrel exclusion zone).

People who wish to express their outrage should do so by immediately downloading Timothy’s masterpiece of editing. Available from Smashwords, There Will Be Walrus First Volume V.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/636378

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Crafted from the finest pixels and using exquisite fonts and typographical metadata, There Will Be Walrus is the ground-breaking anthology series from Cattimothy House – the world’s leading publisher of feline edited military science fiction anthologies.

Wait, what’s that you say? You think this is a fake scandal cooked up just to help promote a dodgy book by a cat with a squirrel fixation? I’m outraged by this accusation! That I or Timothy, would exploit such an issue to promote our increasingly obscure publishing endeavours (available here for a new low price) is a calumny typical of the modern day’s leftwing

 

Doctor Who and the Da…Alt-Timelords

It is fine winter’s afternoon at Felapton Towers…

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[Camestros] schrllgulup schrllgulup schrllgulup…
[Timothy] wuh? wah?
[Camestros] schrllgulup schrllgulup schrllgulup…
[Timothy] Stop it. Whatever that is that you are doing, stop it.
[Camestros] Opportunity of a lifetime old boy!
[Timothy] It’ll be the end of your lifetime if you wake me up like that again.
[Camestros] Look, see. [shoves an antique walnut and silver Galaxy Note 7 at Timothy]
[Timothy] The headline says: “Oh my god he’s going to kill us all isn’t he?”
[Camestros] No, no, not the US Politics section, below that. Entertainment.
[Timothy] Beyonce is going to have twins! Hooray!
[Camestros] Below that.
[Timothy] Hmmm ‘Peter Capaldi will be leaving Doctor Who’. Hmm…

Continue reading

The Cat Equations

With apologies to Tom Godwin.

Camestros was not alone.

There was nothing to indicate the fact but the small alert tab in the corner of his customised Tiffany iPad. The drawing room was empty but for himself; there was no sound other than the murmur of the drives — but the alert tab was flashing. It had been showing nothing but a reminder of the upcoming village fete when the little drawing room had been launched from the surface of the planet; now, an hour later, it was modestly attempting to get his attention. There was something in the broom closet across the room, it was saying, some kind of a body that radiated heat.

It could be but one kind of a body — a living, talking, cat body.

Continue reading

Possible Cabinet Appointees Spotted

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11/18/2016 by Timothy the Talking Cat: Lead Fake News Reporter

Likely appointees to the President Elect’s cabinet were spotted in the lobby of a Trump-brand hotel early yesterday. The sighting has led to excited speculation about the incoming government.

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Governor Bob Sameguy is seen by many as a moderate choice. In his time as Governor he pulled back on election promises to make the State Metaphor “a boot stamping on a human face forever”.

His policies of rounding up members of school boards who didn’t agree with controversial textbook changes and locking them in dark oubliettes until they conceded that “cigarettes clear the lungs of toxins”, was seen by some as “controversial”. However, others praised Governor Sameguy’s tough, no-nonsense attitude.

His hobbies include standing in store front windows pretending to be a mannequin.

trt02 RZXT-1002.02 is a prototype human head life-support machine. Topped by the cloned head of Vladimir Putin, RZXT-1002.02 is the brain child of researchers employed by an anonymous Silicon Valley billionaire.

Partly a puppet of Russian hackers and partly a barely living testament to human hubris in the face of mortality, RZXT-1002.02 has been described as “a walking repudiation of medical ethics”.

His views of involuntary organ donation have been called ‘not mainstream GOP policy’ by some Republican critics. However, friends of RZXT-1002.02 say that he is deeply misunderstood and his habit of staring at people’s bellies and whispering ‘I need your pancreas to be whole’ are just playful hi-jinks.

trt03 Stephen ‘Steve’ Bollocks. Editor of the outspoken web magazine Boll-Ocks which has championed a new and more exciting take on conservatism with headlines like: “They Are All Whispering About You Behind Your Back” and “You Know in Your Heart All Your Friends Hate You” and “OBEY, OBEY, OBEY”.

Critics have repeatedly said about Steve that “He literally is one of those guys from that movie They Live! Seriously, look at him! Can’t you see it?” Steve takes this viewpoint in his stride. “I’m really just a good old fashioned libertarian. Using alien mind control techniques is just my way of expressing myself. I’m just trying to protect the first amendment by making sure SJWs are driven underground. Maybe into dark, dark caves.”

trt04 Eldritch inter-dimensional horror shows some of the complexity and depth of this set of picks. The commitment of the new government to the social views of the late H.P.Lovercraft are well known but by appointing Eldritch to the State Department, the new government will put the USA on track to better relations with the unspeakable horrors that wait at the gates of infinity to consume our minds.

Eldritch was regarded as an early possibility for a cabinet post but sources close to him had indicated that he had been undecided. “He finds some of the other choices to be a bit creepy,” a personal friend of Eldritch has indicated.

trt05 Mannequin Mike is an off-shelf product display unit for the use in the retail merchandising of menswear. Fully articulated, Mike can be put in a wide variety of poses and is a popular choice among many leading department stores.

Mike is thought to have come to the attention of the transition team, after a group of college students stole him and dressed him up a Rudolph Hess.

Mike’s hobbies include standing in state legislatures and pretending to be a GOP lawmaker.

trt06 Spiderling Nest #200 is the hollowed out husk of a human being, within which a silk encrusted ball of preternatural scions of a spider god, chitter and scitter and feast on the dark thoughts that surround them. In the presence of hatred they grow and grow, consuming dark emotions as if they were the internal juices of corpse-maggots.

Spiderling Nest #200 is hoping for Education or Environment positions. Regarded as the most sympathetic to multilateral trade deals, Spiderling Nest #200 has a reputation as a policy wonk and is said to be looking forward to playing racquet ball with Paul Ryan.

trt07 Literally, just a bunch of internet trolls standing on each others heads and then covered in a suit.

Possibly being considered as Secretary for Memes or as Head of Ethics in Political Journalism, some have suggested that what is actually just a set of clothes animated by Twitter eggs, might not pass Congressional approval. Others have called on Democrats lawmakers to “Give them a chance” and that to not endorse this walking comment section would be “censorship and anti-freedom and like, totally not fair”