Category: Parody

Rightwing Editor Banned From Multiple Cons

Shocking, shocking news of political discrimination. Now people know my views lean leftward but this is quite flagrant and beyond what is reasonable – a well known and highly respected editor has been banned from multiple SF conventions in 2017.

The editor, a Mr Timothy the Talking Cat, has been quite outspoken regarding his political position in the past but apparently his ground-breaking self-help/political work “Walrus Mindset” [available here: https://camestrosfelapton.wordpress.com/2016/10/31/the-ultimate-scare-walrus-mindset/ ]. Being one of the few pundits to not only successfully predict that Trump would win but also predict the eldritch reality distortion that followed, Timothy has earned a lot of enemies on the so-called “left” and among the so-called “Democrats” in the so-called “United States” on the so-called “continent of North America”.

Not a SINGLE science-fiction, fantasy, anime, comic or popular-culture convention has invited Timothy to be the guest of honour at their con despite his perfectly reasonable rates of $5 million (plus: 10-mile radius squirrel exclusion zone).

People who wish to express their outrage should do so by immediately downloading Timothy’s masterpiece of editing. Available from Smashwords, There Will Be Walrus First Volume V.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/636378

therwillbwrlruscov5

Crafted from the finest pixels and using exquisite fonts and typographical metadata, There Will Be Walrus is the ground-breaking anthology series from Cattimothy House – the world’s leading publisher of feline edited military science fiction anthologies.

Wait, what’s that you say? You think this is a fake scandal cooked up just to help promote a dodgy book by a cat with a squirrel fixation? I’m outraged by this accusation! That I or Timothy, would exploit such an issue to promote our increasingly obscure publishing endeavours (available here for a new low price) is a calumny typical of the modern day’s leftwing

 

Doctor Who and the Da…Alt-Timelords

It is fine winter’s afternoon at Felapton Towers…

altdalek2

[Camestros] schrllgulup schrllgulup schrllgulup…
[Timothy] wuh? wah?
[Camestros] schrllgulup schrllgulup schrllgulup…
[Timothy] Stop it. Whatever that is that you are doing, stop it.
[Camestros] Opportunity of a lifetime old boy!
[Timothy] It’ll be the end of your lifetime if you wake me up like that again.
[Camestros] Look, see. [shoves an antique walnut and silver Galaxy Note 7 at Timothy]
[Timothy] The headline says: “Oh my god he’s going to kill us all isn’t he?”
[Camestros] No, no, not the US Politics section, below that. Entertainment.
[Timothy] Beyonce is going to have twins! Hooray!
[Camestros] Below that.
[Timothy] Hmmm ‘Peter Capaldi will be leaving Doctor Who’. Hmm…

Continue reading

The Cat Equations

With apologies to Tom Godwin.

Camestros was not alone.

There was nothing to indicate the fact but the small alert tab in the corner of his customised Tiffany iPad. The drawing room was empty but for himself; there was no sound other than the murmur of the drives — but the alert tab was flashing. It had been showing nothing but a reminder of the upcoming village fete when the little drawing room had been launched from the surface of the planet; now, an hour later, it was modestly attempting to get his attention. There was something in the broom closet across the room, it was saying, some kind of a body that radiated heat.

It could be but one kind of a body — a living, talking, cat body.

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Possible Cabinet Appointees Spotted

trumpicks

11/18/2016 by Timothy the Talking Cat: Lead Fake News Reporter

Likely appointees to the President Elect’s cabinet were spotted in the lobby of a Trump-brand hotel early yesterday. The sighting has led to excited speculation about the incoming government.

trt01.jpg

Governor Bob Sameguy is seen by many as a moderate choice. In his time as Governor he pulled back on election promises to make the State Metaphor “a boot stamping on a human face forever”.

His policies of rounding up members of school boards who didn’t agree with controversial textbook changes and locking them in dark oubliettes until they conceded that “cigarettes clear the lungs of toxins”, was seen by some as “controversial”. However, others praised Governor Sameguy’s tough, no-nonsense attitude.

His hobbies include standing in store front windows pretending to be a mannequin.

trt02 RZXT-1002.02 is a prototype human head life-support machine. Topped by the cloned head of Vladimir Putin, RZXT-1002.02 is the brain child of researchers employed by an anonymous Silicon Valley billionaire.

Partly a puppet of Russian hackers and partly a barely living testament to human hubris in the face of mortality, RZXT-1002.02 has been described as “a walking repudiation of medical ethics”.

His views of involuntary organ donation have been called ‘not mainstream GOP policy’ by some Republican critics. However, friends of RZXT-1002.02 say that he is deeply misunderstood and his habit of staring at people’s bellies and whispering ‘I need your pancreas to be whole’ are just playful hi-jinks.

trt03 Stephen ‘Steve’ Bollocks. Editor of the outspoken web magazine Boll-Ocks which has championed a new and more exciting take on conservatism with headlines like: “They Are All Whispering About You Behind Your Back” and “You Know in Your Heart All Your Friends Hate You” and “OBEY, OBEY, OBEY”.

Critics have repeatedly said about Steve that “He literally is one of those guys from that movie They Live! Seriously, look at him! Can’t you see it?” Steve takes this viewpoint in his stride. “I’m really just a good old fashioned libertarian. Using alien mind control techniques is just my way of expressing myself. I’m just trying to protect the first amendment by making sure SJWs are driven underground. Maybe into dark, dark caves.”

trt04 Eldritch inter-dimensional horror shows some of the complexity and depth of this set of picks. The commitment of the new government to the social views of the late H.P.Lovercraft are well known but by appointing Eldritch to the State Department, the new government will put the USA on track to better relations with the unspeakable horrors that wait at the gates of infinity to consume our minds.

Eldritch was regarded as an early possibility for a cabinet post but sources close to him had indicated that he had been undecided. “He finds some of the other choices to be a bit creepy,” a personal friend of Eldritch has indicated.

trt05 Mannequin Mike is an off-shelf product display unit for the use in the retail merchandising of menswear. Fully articulated, Mike can be put in a wide variety of poses and is a popular choice among many leading department stores.

Mike is thought to have come to the attention of the transition team, after a group of college students stole him and dressed him up a Rudolph Hess.

Mike’s hobbies include standing in state legislatures and pretending to be a GOP lawmaker.

trt06 Spiderling Nest #200 is the hollowed out husk of a human being, within which a silk encrusted ball of preternatural scions of a spider god, chitter and scitter and feast on the dark thoughts that surround them. In the presence of hatred they grow and grow, consuming dark emotions as if they were the internal juices of corpse-maggots.

Spiderling Nest #200 is hoping for Education or Environment positions. Regarded as the most sympathetic to multilateral trade deals, Spiderling Nest #200 has a reputation as a policy wonk and is said to be looking forward to playing racquet ball with Paul Ryan.

trt07 Literally, just a bunch of internet trolls standing on each others heads and then covered in a suit.

Possibly being considered as Secretary for Memes or as Head of Ethics in Political Journalism, some have suggested that what is actually just a set of clothes animated by Twitter eggs, might not pass Congressional approval. Others have called on Democrats lawmakers to “Give them a chance” and that to not endorse this walking comment section would be “censorship and anti-freedom and like, totally not fair”

Timothy and the publishing delay

As I sat in the south gazebo, hitting refresh on voxopedia’s ‘Recent changes’ page, I noticed from the corner of my eye the household cat walking pensively in circles. Perturbed by this uncharacteristic behaviour I approached him cautiously whilst holding my phone in the forlorn hope of capturing an amusing cat video with which to entertain the Internet.

“There is no point trying to take a video,” said Timothy who was still circling what appeared to be a North Korean bootlegged Surface Pro, “Twitter is closing down Vine.”

I swore in frustration. Once again, I had missed engaging with a social media outlet before it had slid into obsolescence or was cancelled. It was MySpace all over again. If felt cross enough to vent my anger on a Compuserve forum.

“Stop looking so sullen. Your ineptitude at picking social media trends has done wonders for my share portfolio,” bragged the cat, still orbiting the knock-off tablet, “Any social media outlet you aren’t thinking of using is usually a good bet.”

“I’ll use my powers for good and sign up for Gab!” I cried.

“Never mind all that – I need you to think of an ending for my book.” grumbled the cat, who now sat on his haunches in front of the specially cat-adapted keyboard.

“Your book?” I asked. Timothy’s book? I had announced Timothy’s book some weeks ago and it was originally going to be a domestic drama called the “Confusing Walrus” based on unsubtle plagiarism of a John Scalzi space-opera, which had led to some excitement among Timothy’s inexplicable following. The capricious cat had then forced me to retract that announcement because the supposedly “finished” book was now going to be a cook-book called the “Collapsing Souffle”. No sooner had I done that, than it became clear that Timothy had written nothing but an outline which read:

rite book. make flappypants dror cover

Yet, here we were – weeks later – and unless my eyes deceived me, Timothy had a long document open on his Pyon-Yang derived computer.

“Why this is great news!” I said saidingly “I can’t wait to try the recipes!”

Timothy looked at me as if I had taken leave of my senses.

“Recipes? Recipes? I don’t write ‘recipes’. Do you think at this time of national crisis, people want recipes? No, no, now is the time for action. Now is the time for me to break silence and intervene in the US election.”

“You already intervened – you were briefly Hillary Clinton’s running mate, remember?”

Timothy dismissed that comment with a wave of his paw. “This book contains a distilled account of my personal philosophy. It explains how Donald Trump also shares my mental powers that allow us to achieve greatness.”

Suspicion grew in my chest. “Let me look at that cover,” I exclaimed in an exclamatory fashion pulling the fake tablet over. “As I thought! You’ve just taken some Castalia House nonsense, scribbled out ‘Mike Cernovich’ and written ‘Tim T Talking Cat’ instead.”

“That is merely a suggestion. The main question is whether I should end the book by saying ‘that is why I am so awesome’ or, and think this over before you answer, ‘that is why I am so great'”

“The second one!” I cried, “Very topical!”

And that dear readers, is how I learnt of Timothy’s new book.

The book nobody would read because the cover made no sense

abstractbookcover2

A cross-over hit from Baroco Ferison.

Cursed by a publishing house’s art-director, The book nobody would read because the cover made no sense is burdened by a cover so abstract and so lacking in visual clues that nobody will ever read it. Forever spurned by book-sellers, The book nobody would read because the cover made no sense languishes on forgotten shelves. It is placed frequently in a strange no-place between fiction and non-fiction.

Online, its plethora of busy but meaningless detail is obscured by low-resolution thumbnail versions, which leave it looking like a murky mess of nothing.

Forgotten and unread, The book nobody would read because the cover made no sense knows that it must go on a quest to find the evil art-director and break the curse laid upon it. But first, it must gather together all its material instances so that it can assume its ultimate Platonic form. Also, it needs to grow some tiny legs and arms to fight some goblins.

Also, why does it have a chapter about Edmund Hurrsel? This and other questions would be answered in The book nobody would read because the cover made no sense if anybody read it – which they won’t because the cover makes no sense.