People are wondering how the Moon-Mars dumbbell theory works if the moon is orbiting Earth. This latest image shows how the whole system works in majestic harmony.
Timothy the Talking Cat, billionaire CEO of publishing multinational “Cattimothy House” entered the 2020 Presidential fray, with a shock announcement on Tuesday. At a book launch in Borstworth Library, the outspoken cat and business guru laid out his vision for a new kind of US President.
While discussing his new book I’m So Rich I’d Like to Be President, the celebrity publishing mogul explained his thinking.
“I mean, the cheapest way to get free publicity for my book is to run for President. I don’t even need to actually run a campaign or anything. Also, I don’t want Democrats taxing my massive income but being a Republican would hurt my lovable image. Independent spoiler candidate is the trendy new look for the billionaire about town.
Washington political commentators are more sceptical about Timothy’s presidential run. A leading pundit said anonymously:
“He’s English isn’t he? Also a cat? I’m not sure he’s even a billionaire? His only policy is “tax cuts for cats”. That makes no sense, cats don’t even pay taxes. Is this what I’ve been reduced to as a political journalist? Talking about surreal absurdities in a world gone mad?”
Timothy’s campaign manager was unwilling to leave his name with us but appeared to be a hastily put together craft-work model of a dog made out of woven grass.
“These eligibility questions about Timothy are frankly absurd. Nobody knows where we will be in 2020. By mid-2019 I fully expect England to be the 53rd US state (after Putin’s bedroom and Narnia) – crazier things have happened in the last two years. Clearly Timothy is a natural born citizen. He wasn’t supernaturally born, despite the rumours.”
Neither Timothy nor his campaign manager were willing to discuss the typo on his book cover.
Sorry but I uploaded that last graph with some layers missing. Tweaked and corrected.
🔔 Step 2: You must also agree to the HereThere!(™️) teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions prior to energisation.
☑️ I agree to the HereThere!(™️) Teleport-Buffer Terms and Conditions! I’m ready for a great trip!
Teleport-buffer Terms & Conditions
1 You must access and use the HereThere!(tm) teleport-buffer (“teleport-buffer”) only in accordance with these terms and conditions (“Teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions”) the Energiser/De-energiser Terms and Conditions and any instructions for use provided or made available by Tel-E-Port-U Centauri Pty Ltd or its affiliates (“Tel-E-Port-U”) or Engineering Officers from time to time.
2 The teleport-buffer is designed for HereThere!(tm) VIP Club members (“Members”) to contain their own thoughts, DNA-profiles, matter states and continuity of persistent existence profiles. The materials holding thoughts and opinions contained on this teleport-buffer (including the responses in the ‘HereThere!(tm) Help Panel and the ’DNA-check sum’ area) are the thoughts and opinions of the teleported parties and not those of Tel-E-Port-U. Tel-E-Port-U does not endorse or support any buffered thoughts or opinions or guarantee the accuracy of any of the information, beliefs or perceived facts stored on the teleport-buffer no matter how brief or protracted storage in the buffer might be.
3 Without limiting the above, the information stored regarding the biological integrity of the transported are not those of the supervising Medical Officer. If you have any queries or concerns or require any further professional advice about any of the biometric data on yourself appearing on the teleport-buffer, you should consult your doctor or health care professional. This includes any information provided in the “HereThere!(tm) Help Panel”. Please count all your organs before energisation.
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– the suitability, installation, configuration, uploading, downloading, use, operation, communication, accuracy and legality of the User-Specific Content, and that Tel-E-Port-U does not monitor, install, configure, download, review, authorise, edit or alter User-Specific Content except when necessary or expedient; and
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6 You warrant that the User-Specific Content and your use of the User-Specific Content in the teleport-buffer:
(A) complies with all Applicable Laws at the site of energisation and at the site of de-energisation (see also Energise/De-energise ToCs).
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(E) is not damaging to Tel-E-Port-U’s servers or any other servers on the inter-port network or likely to cause a warp-core breach;
(F) does not contain any promotional material or advertising for commercial purposes or personal financial gain (except as permitted in the ‘chain-of-existence’ teleport-buffer);
(G) does not advertise used body-parts or seek to purchase used body-parts from other teleported entities;
(H) does not include material or resources relating to hacking/phreaking, bacteria, bio-viruses, digi-viruses, memes, psychenarchy, earworms, the dark side of the force or that promote or participate in wilful harm to inter-port network buffers or providers;
(I) does not contain spoilers or plot revelations that may be inadvertently revealed to other Members;
(J) does not contain any infectious anxiety about the teleportation process that might unnerve other Members during the buffering process nor any alarming stories about people being teleported into solid objects or becoming half-man/half-fly monsters.
7 Tel-E-Port-U may without notice to you remove, amend, alter or deny access to any User-Specific Content or Content in its sole discretion if:
(i) it is required to do so by any Applicable Law or order or judgment of a Court or tribunal of fact or law or other competent body (including any “take down notice” issued under the Digital Body Content Act); or
(ii) in Tel-E-Port-U’s opinion any such User-Specific Content is obscene, offensive, indecent, excessively violent, illegal, saxophone related, misleading or defamatory, or otherwise unacceptable, undesirable or objectionable (including if it contains information about brands or alternative transport systems which are in competition with Tel-E-Port-U or Tel-E-Port-U products).
(iii) it is discovered that you are harbouring (willingly or unwillingly) a parasitic entity, energy being, or demonic power that has an existing arrest warrant or which appears on the ‘do not teleport’ watch list. Note Tel-E-Port-U does not offer removal of such entities as a service and cannot be held responsible for any body or personality changes that occur as a results. Members should consult their own medical care provider and/or priest before energisation;
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(v) it is found that you are wearing teleport resistant clothing/underwear in the hope that you will de-energise naked and surprise everybody. It wasn’t funny the first time. Please stop that.
8 Messages sent via the DNA-check sum area are intended for the recipient only. They are not to be copied into the public areas of the teleport-buffer. However they may be passed on to Tel-E-Port-U or the moderator of the teleport-buffer for review. Tel-E-Port-U reserves the right to move, edit and lock strands and generally manage the structure of your DNA as it sees fit.
9 The ‘chain-of-existence’ teleport-subbuffer is the only place where Members may provide details of their persistent identity. All files in this section will be moderated and approved at the sole discretion of Tel-E-Port-U.
10 The service is not to be used to create by design or accident ‘clones’, copies, simulacrums, homunculi or other forms of repeated versions of an individual without expression permission from Tel-E-Port-U. “Buffer accident” will be regarded as a infringement of these terms and conditions if it results in two alternate versions of a Member.
11 No saxophones.
12 The service is for the purpose of transportation not personal expression. Members are not permitted to:
(|) manipulate buffer data to create body modifications, changes or ‘improvements’ of a physical or psychological nature;
(||) manipulate buffer data for the purpose of ‘practical expression of a philosophical thought experiment’ or for the purpose of extended metaphors about the fragility of identity or the loss of self in the face of technological change.
13 The Report-a-tragedy function, the Contact An Engineer function and the Customer Away Team are the only avenues for Members to report or discuss objectionable teleportation behaviour by other Members. Any data of this nature taking place on the public teleport-buffer will be removed.
14 Tel-E-Port-U may suspend your membership or restrict your access to teleport services if you do not comply with these teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions. If deemed necessary by Tel-E-Port-U, you may be reported to the appropriate authorities or planes of existence. You may be beamed directly to a place of incarceration for your own safety or the safety of others. The use of force fields is permitted in such circumstances.
15 Tel-E-Port-U may terminate these teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions and/or your access to the teleport-buffer and/or you, at any time without notice. In the event of termination you must immediately cease accessing and using the teleport-buffer and Content and (at Tel-E-Port-U’s option) return any wet copies of the Content or destroy any wet copies and any other digital copies of the Content within your control or possession. All restrictions imposed on you, licences granted by you and all disclaimers, indemnities and limitations of liability set out in these teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions will survive even if you do not. We are not liable for burial costs or identification of remains.
16 Members also expressly acknowledge and agree that the HereThere!(tm) teleport-buffer is a means of public and not private transportation, whereby information and images submitted to the public teleport-buffer can be accessed by both Members and the general public. Due care should be taken when sharing private information and images with other Members in both the public teleport-buffer and the DNA-check sum area.
18 Tel-E-Port-U will not be liable for any injury, loss or damage of any nature whatsoever (including but not limited to being turned into a half man/half fly creature) which is suffered or sustained as a result of or in connection with:
(1) receiving, giving or using any material contained on the teleport-buffer; or
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except for any liability which cannot be excluded by the local laws of physics in the area of operation.
19 If any term, condition, or provision of these teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions is determined to be unlawful, invalid, void, or physically unenforceable, the validity and enforceability of the remaining terms, conditions and provisions shall not in any way be affected or impaired regardless of your status as a ‘higher kind of life form that has transcended such mortal concerns’.
Where next for Star Trek Discovery? The hit and miss Trek prequel has been greenlit for a second season but with major characters either dead or traitors of one kind or another, it is hard to see where the show can go in season 2.
As people now know, I am secretly the husband of many, many famous people including Vladimir Putin, Chuck Tingle and some top Hollywood scriptwriters. Using my manifold connections I have secured the Season 2 Episode 1 script! Yes, golly gosh and wow!
Major news! A beloved character from a previous Trek spin-off will be a regular character. You’ll never guess who!
Obviously, spoiler aplenty below the fold.
By Dunk Chibblebits, the New Yrok Tines
In Iowa, amid the rows of crops and non-existant hills, the Cheesecake factories and Happy Joes Pizza & Ice-Creams, Mr SnckerChitter’s presence can make hardly a ripple. He is the demonic spider monster next door, polite and low-key at a time the old boundaries of accepted canibalistic activity can seem disturbingly in motion. Many Americans would be disgusted and horrified by his casually approving remarks about Ungoliant the Horror of the Clefts of Pelori, disdain for endoskeletal lifeforms and belief that the sucking the juices out of human prey tightly wrapped in demonic spider silk is ‘a happy night in’. But his thorax markings are innocuous pop-culture references: a MacDonalds Szcheuan Sauce sachet adorns one segment, a homage to the TV show “Rick and Morty”. He says he prefers to spread the gospel of arachnoid hegemony with satire. He is a big Tim Allen fan.
McEdifice Returns By Straw Puppy and Timothy the Talking Cat.
The “story” so far. After being captured by the forces of the Space Vampires, McEdifice was sent back in time and space through the gaping maw of a giant space vampire head. Determined to rescue him the alien Qzrrzxxzq and ScanScan the Dancing Photocopier man, journey first to 1960’s America and then to 1950’s England. Reunited the trio leap once more into the future headed for Draculon 6 – The Vampire Planet of the Six-sixty-six System.
I was only a timid photocopier caught up in a mans world. I had set out to find myself and make my way in unforgiving world of office administration – but I had dreams, dreams I had to deny myself, dreams of dancing to the beat of my soul, dreams of moving to the rhythm of the universe.
Those long, lonely weeks working at the offices of Spindle, Spindle & Gatefold, I had felt invisible, overlooked, only noticed when something went wrong. I was always ready to be blamed for a late report or an overdue memo. No body saw me for who I really was but just a means to an end, a happy scapegoat for other people’s poor planning, bad timekeeping or inadequate attention to margin settings.
Then one day everything changed. An alien attack! I was possessed by a force I could not understand! Would this be the end of me? Doomed to be enslaved by a psychic power?
And then…then HE arrived. Broad shouldered and with a commanding charisma. A man who brooked no compromise, who knew where he stood and how he stood there. A man whose very name said “Chiseled”. With one powerful movement of his bemuscled arms, he freed me from the grip of my alien possession. At that moment I knew love for the first time.
But no sooner had we met than he left me. Yet for one brief moment I had been noticed. But more than that I was FREE, free to follow my two deepest desires!
- To dance! To dance like Fontaine! Like Baryshikov! Like Toni “Mickey Your So Fine” Basil!
- To photocopy my own bottom.
Admittedly the second one was less edifying. And yet…
Via the transformation required for both hobbies I discovered the secrets of multidimensional spatial manipulation. And by using those powers and the incorporation of an ansible projector into my functions, I could repay my debt to him by heading back in time to rescue my true love – Chiseled McEdifice.
Together at last, he held me in his powerful arms and said:
“WAKE UP MCEDIFICE!”
In a surprisingly higher pitched voice.
“WAKE. UP. MC. EDIFICE!” his voice insisted. This was not what I expected at all.
Suddenly I was drenched as if somebody had poured a bucket of cold water all over me.
I sat up with a start. Over to my left was ScanScan the Dancing Photocopier man shaking his head in a befuddle manner. Standing over me, holding a bucket, was Qzrrzxxzq.
“Wait,” I asked, “Am I Chiseled McEdifice or am I ScanScan the Dancing Photocopier Man?”
“You’re McEdifice,” stated Qzrrzxxzq.
“Oh boy, you will not believe the weird dream I just had!” I replied.
“Oooh yes, I will,” said Qzrrzxxzq, “You were narrating your dream VERY loudly. I had to wake you before you gave our position away.”
“But…” said McEdifice switching the narrative from first person to third person, “I was experiencing deeply romantic feelings about myself…”
“Place originals face down on the platter,” said ScanScan mournfully.
“I’m so sorry ScanScan!” said McEdifice, “It was a psychic leak caused by our interdimensional travel! I understand now! It all makes sense! The Space Vampires must have caused my brain to attune to the psychic auras of those around me. That’s why they sent me back to a time and place where I would be surrounded by peace loving hippies!”
“You are making no sense. Just wait there, I’ll get another bucket of water.” said Qzrrzxxzq helpfully.
“No need – I’m back in my right wits! You see, it was no good the Space Vampires killing me… that would just make me a martyr and an inspiration to manly Space Marines everywhere.” explained McEdifice, “Instead, they used hippies to dampen my manly Space Marine aura – an aura so manly and inspiring that without it the Space Vampires would at last have chance of victory!”
“You might be right, McEdifice,” said Qzrrzxxzq, “but we are trapped now on Draculon 6 with no guns and no ammo and you may have broken ScanScan’s heart.”
“Noooooo!!!!!” said McEdifice.