Retro-Blog: The Parliament of Cheese and Curds

Reposting this June 2015 fable about cheese (and the first appearance of a talking cat). With apologies to John C Wright’s Parliament of Beasts and Birds.

The dairy products gathered, one by one, outside the final city of People, furtive, curious, and slightly odd smelling.

All was dark. In the west was a blood-red sunset and in the east was a blood-red moonrise of a waning moon. Which, incidentally, confused a particularly pedantic ball of Edam which had taken the sentence “all was dark” a bit too literally. No lamps shined in the towers and minarets, and all the windows of the palaces, mansions, townhouses, semidetached project homes, terraces and those really big ranch-style bungalows that have a name but which I’ve forgotten, were empty as the eyes of skulls. Well, the eye-sockets of skulls. The skulls didn’t have eyes – although a mischievous small ball of mozzarella had taken to sitting in the eye holes of a skull and frightening passersby. That, as other cheeses noted, was no surprise given its upbringing.

All about the walls of the city (it had walls this city) were the fields and houses and the fanes which I had forgotten to mention earlier. Rather like the skull’s eye sockets, these were all empty.

Continue reading “Retro-Blog: The Parliament of Cheese and Curds”

Trump Appoints New Secretary of National Security

The sudden firing/resignation of National Security Adviser John Bolton marks the third person in this role in as many years. Seeking a more consistent and stable approach to the role, the President has sought to appoint the well known political commentator and publishing guru, Timothy the Talking Cat.

Once tipped as a possible Vice Presidential running mate for Hillary Clinton, Mr The Talking Cat sees no conflict in his new appointment.

“Really all I have to do is stand around at meetings and occasionally vandalise graphs. Frankly I was made for this job. I already know how to ignore advice and scrawl all over important documents.”

When quizzed whether he has sufficient experience for the role Mr The Talking Cat responded:

“John Bolton left me the ceremonial moustache of the war-hawk-in-chief that has been handed on to overly belligerent politicians since Theodore Roosevelt. I’ve already had a go drawing with the Presidential Sharpie and have made some significant improvements to the GDP forecasts with it.”

Update: Since going to air Donald Trump has published this tweet:

Mr The Talking Cat could not be reached for comment.

Shock billionaire spoiler candidate enters presidential race

Timothy the Talking Cat, billionaire CEO of publishing multinational “Cattimothy House” entered the 2020 Presidential fray, with a shock announcement on Tuesday. At a book launch in Borstworth Library, the outspoken cat and business guru laid out his vision for a new kind of US President.

While discussing his new book I’m So Rich I’d Like to Be President, the celebrity publishing mogul explained his thinking.

“I mean, the cheapest way to get free publicity for my book is to run for President. I don’t even need to actually run a campaign or anything. Also, I don’t want Democrats taxing my massive income but being a Republican would hurt my lovable image. Independent spoiler candidate is the trendy new look for the billionaire about town.

Washington political commentators are more sceptical about Timothy’s presidential run. A leading pundit said anonymously:

“He’s English isn’t he? Also a cat? I’m not sure he’s even a billionaire? His only policy is “tax cuts for cats”. That makes no sense, cats don’t even pay taxes. Is this what I’ve been reduced to as a political journalist? Talking about surreal absurdities in a world gone mad?”

Timothy’s campaign manager was unwilling to leave his name with us but appeared to be a hastily put together craft-work model of a dog made out of woven grass.

“These eligibility questions about Timothy are frankly absurd. Nobody knows where we will be in 2020. By mid-2019 I fully expect England to be the 53rd US state (after Putin’s bedroom and Narnia) – crazier things have happened in the last two years. Clearly Timothy is a natural born citizen. He wasn’t supernaturally born, despite the rumours.”

Neither Timothy nor his campaign manager were willing to discuss the typo on his book cover.

Terms and Conditions

🔔 Step 2: You must also agree to the HereThere!(™️) teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions prior to energisation.
☑️ I agree to the HereThere!(™️) Teleport-Buffer Terms and Conditions! I’m ready for a great trip!

Teleport-buffer Terms & Conditions

1 You must access and use the HereThere!(tm) teleport-buffer (“teleport-buffer”) only in accordance with these terms and conditions (“Teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions”) the Energiser/De-energiser Terms and Conditions and any instructions for use provided or made available by Tel-E-Port-U Centauri Pty Ltd or its affiliates (“Tel-E-Port-U”) or Engineering Officers from time to time.

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11 No saxophones.

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16 Members also expressly acknowledge and agree that the HereThere!(tm) teleport-buffer is a means of public and not private transportation, whereby information and images submitted to the public teleport-buffer can be accessed by both Members and the general public. Due care should be taken when sharing private information and images with other Members in both the public teleport-buffer and the DNA-check sum area.

17 Any User-Specific Content may be reproduced or archived in any manner that Tel-E-Port-U considers appropriate. Tel-E-Port-U is bound by the Interstellar Privacy & Body-Integrity Principles in the Integrity Act 2198 and by becoming a Member and participating in the teleport-buffer, you are taken to consent to Tel-E-Port-U’s privacy policy. A Member may access and correct any personal information held by Tel-E-Port-U, upon request to Tel-E-Port-U.

18 Tel-E-Port-U will not be liable for any injury, loss or damage of any nature whatsoever (including but not limited to being turned into a half man/half fly creature) which is suffered or sustained as a result of or in connection with:
(1) receiving, giving or using any material contained on the teleport-buffer; or
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except for any liability which cannot be excluded by the local laws of physics in the area of operation.

19 If any term, condition, or provision of these teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions is determined to be unlawful, invalid, void, or physically unenforceable, the validity and enforceability of the remaining terms, conditions and provisions shall not in any way be affected or impaired regardless of your status as a ‘higher kind of life form that has transcended such mortal concerns’.

Star Trek Discovery Season 2 Scripts Scoop! A Felapton Towers exclusive!

Where next for Star Trek Discovery? The hit and miss Trek prequel has been greenlit for a second season but with major characters either dead or traitors of one kind or another, it is hard to see where the show can go in season 2.

As people now know, I am secretly the husband of many, many famous people including Vladimir Putin, Chuck Tingle and some top Hollywood scriptwriters. Using my manifold connections I have secured the Season 2 Episode 1 script! Yes, golly gosh and wow!

Major news! A beloved character from a previous Trek spin-off will be a regular character. You’ll never guess who!

Obviously, spoiler aplenty below the fold.

Continue reading “Star Trek Discovery Season 2 Scripts Scoop! A Felapton Towers exclusive!”

In Americas Heartland, the Demonic Spider Monster Next Door


By Dunk Chibblebits, the New Yrok Tines

In Iowa, amid the rows of crops and non-existant hills, the Cheesecake factories and Happy Joes Pizza & Ice-Creams, Mr SnckerChitter’s presence can make hardly a ripple. He is the demonic spider monster next door, polite and low-key at a time the old boundaries of accepted canibalistic activity can seem disturbingly in motion. Many Americans would be disgusted and horrified by his casually approving remarks about Ungoliant the Horror of the Clefts of Pelori, disdain for endoskeletal lifeforms and belief that the sucking the juices out of human prey tightly wrapped in demonic spider silk is ‘a happy night in’. But his thorax markings are innocuous pop-culture references: a MacDonalds Szcheuan Sauce sachet adorns one segment, a homage to the TV show “Rick and Morty”. He says he prefers to spread the gospel of arachnoid hegemony with satire. He is a big Tim Allen fan.

McEdifice Returns: Chapter Fan Service


McEdifice Returns By Straw Puppy and Timothy the Talking Cat.

The “story” so far. After being captured by the forces of the Space Vampires, McEdifice was sent back in time and space through the gaping maw of a giant space vampire head. Determined to rescue him the alien Qzrrzxxzq and ScanScan the Dancing Photocopier man, journey first to 1960’s America and then to 1950’s England. Reunited the trio leap once more into the future headed for Draculon 6 – The Vampire Planet of the Six-sixty-six System.

I was only a timid photocopier caught up in a mans world. I had set out to find myself and make my way in unforgiving world of office administration – but I had dreams, dreams I had to deny myself, dreams of dancing to the beat of my soul, dreams of moving to the rhythm of the universe.

Those long, lonely weeks working at the offices of Spindle, Spindle & Gatefold, I had felt invisible, overlooked, only noticed when something went wrong. I was always ready to be blamed for a late report or an overdue memo. No body saw me for who I really was but just a means to an end, a happy scapegoat for other people’s poor planning, bad timekeeping or inadequate attention to margin settings.

Then one day everything changed. An alien attack! I was possessed by a force I could not understand! Would this be the end of me? Doomed to be enslaved by a psychic power?

And then…then HE arrived. Broad shouldered and with a commanding charisma. A man who brooked no compromise, who knew where he stood and how he stood there. A man whose very name said “Chiseled”. With one powerful movement of his bemuscled arms, he freed me from the grip of my alien possession. At that moment I knew love for the first time.

But no sooner had we met than he left me. Yet for one brief moment I had been noticed. But more than that I was FREE, free to follow my two deepest desires!

  • To dance! To dance like Fontaine! Like Baryshikov! Like Toni “Mickey Your So Fine” Basil!
  • To photocopy my own bottom.

Admittedly the second one was less edifying. And yet…

Via the transformation required for both hobbies I discovered the secrets of multidimensional spatial manipulation. And by using those powers and the incorporation of an ansible projector into my functions, I could repay my debt to him by heading back in time to rescue my true love – Chiseled McEdifice.

Together at last, he held me in his powerful arms and said:


In a surprisingly higher pitched voice.

“WAKE. UP. MC. EDIFICE!” his voice insisted. This was not what I expected at all.

Suddenly I was drenched as if somebody had poured a bucket of cold water all over me.

I sat up with a start. Over to my left was ScanScan the Dancing Photocopier man shaking his head in a befuddle manner. Standing over me, holding a bucket, was Qzrrzxxzq.

“Wait,” I asked, “Am I Chiseled McEdifice or am I ScanScan the Dancing Photocopier Man?”

“You’re McEdifice,” stated Qzrrzxxzq.

“Oh boy, you will not believe the weird dream I just had!” I replied.

“Oooh yes, I will,” said Qzrrzxxzq, “You were narrating your dream VERY loudly. I had to wake you before you gave our position away.”

“But…” said McEdifice switching the narrative from first person to third person, “I was experiencing deeply romantic feelings about myself…”

“Place originals face down on the platter,” said ScanScan mournfully.

“I’m so sorry ScanScan!” said McEdifice, “It was a psychic leak caused by our interdimensional travel! I understand now! It all makes sense! The Space Vampires must have caused my brain to attune to the psychic auras of those around me. That’s why they sent me back to a time and place where I would be surrounded by peace loving hippies!”

“You are making no sense. Just wait there, I’ll get another bucket of water.” said Qzrrzxxzq helpfully.

“No need – I’m back in my right wits! You see, it was no good the Space Vampires killing me… that would just make me a martyr and an inspiration to manly Space Marines everywhere.” explained McEdifice, “Instead, they used hippies to dampen my manly Space Marine aura – an aura so manly and inspiring that without it the Space Vampires would at last have chance of victory!”

“You might be right, McEdifice,” said Qzrrzxxzq, “but we are trapped now on Draculon 6 with no guns and no ammo and you may have broken ScanScan’s heart.”

“Noooooo!!!!!” said McEdifice.


McEdifice Returns: Chapter It’s Grimdark Oop North


By Tim “bobbins” Cat and Straw “fettled keks” Puppy

It were grim all right. Grim and grey. Grim and grey and the air was sulfurous and full of grit.

“This is must be an aspect of the hell dimension,” said McEdifice as the trio trudged up the hillside on the outskirts of the fume enshrouded city.

“It cannot be,” replied Qzrrzxxzq, “the populace was too relentlessly chirpy.”

“Service is required when belt lubrication is low,” stated ScanScan.

“He thinks it is the vast quantity of tea that they drink,” translated McEdifice, “Perhaps the demonic overlords of this place put something in the tea.”

“What I don’t get is the rain,” said Qzrrzxxzq changing the subject to the near incessant drizzle, “When it isn’t raining it is foggy. The air is constantly near the point of saturation but that is manifestly impossible. At some point the water has to evaporate to get into the atmosphere and yet it nearly never stops raining. The water cycle here defies logic – it is completely implausible.”

“Paper jam in the bypass tray,” said ScanScan.

“He says not everybody was chirpy,” explained McEdifice, “there were occasional angry young men with big ideas who were going to challenge the system.”

“Frankly I preferred the constant music-hall jokes,” mused Qzrrzxxzq, “but I think if I’d encountered another colliery brass band I would have enacted violence on a tuba.”

They had wandered the city for days but the polluted damp air had made it impossible for ScanScan to use his transdimensional abilities. After much effort to communicate with the locals they had been told that “thing might be different in Yorkshire.” When asked where this fabled place might be, the locals just waved vaguely at the hills to the east.

The trio had marched out of town and up onto the moors.

On the third day, like a miracle, the clouds parted. Above the smog and coal-fired fumes, ScanScan re-activated the ansible projector.

“But where to now?” asked Qzrrzxxzq.

“I have so many unanswered questions. Why did the vampires send me back to that planet of hippies? Why didn’t they just kill me? And why did they invade Planet Campus?” mused McEdifice.

“There’s only one place that we can find those answers,” stated Qzrrzxxzq.

“Draculon 6 – The Vampire Planet of the Six-sixty-six System.” said McEdifice.

“Settings entered,” said ScanScan.

“Lets kick some vampire butt,” said McEdifice.

“I think they say ‘vampire arse’ around here,” corrected Qzrrzxxzq.

And with that they were sucked into the transdimensional gyre.