Trump Appoints New Secretary of National Security

The sudden firing/resignation of National Security Adviser John Bolton marks the third person in this role in as many years. Seeking a more consistent and stable approach to the role, the President has sought to appoint the well known political commentator and publishing guru, Timothy the Talking Cat.

Once tipped as a possible Vice Presidential running mate for Hillary Clinton, Mr The Talking Cat sees no conflict in his new appointment.

“Really all I have to do is stand around at meetings and occasionally vandalise graphs. Frankly I was made for this job. I already know how to ignore advice and scrawl all over important documents.”

When quizzed whether he has sufficient experience for the role Mr The Talking Cat responded:

“John Bolton left me the ceremonial moustache of the war-hawk-in-chief that has been handed on to overly belligerent politicians since Theodore Roosevelt. I’ve already had a go drawing with the Presidential Sharpie and have made some significant improvements to the GDP forecasts with it.”

Update: Since going to air Donald Trump has published this tweet:

Mr The Talking Cat could not be reached for comment.

Shock billionaire spoiler candidate enters presidential race

Timothy the Talking Cat, billionaire CEO of publishing multinational “Cattimothy House” entered the 2020 Presidential fray, with a shock announcement on Tuesday. At a book launch in Borstworth Library, the outspoken cat and business guru laid out his vision for a new kind of US President.

While discussing his new book I’m So Rich I’d Like to Be President, the celebrity publishing mogul explained his thinking.

“I mean, the cheapest way to get free publicity for my book is to run for President. I don’t even need to actually run a campaign or anything. Also, I don’t want Democrats taxing my massive income but being a Republican would hurt my lovable image. Independent spoiler candidate is the trendy new look for the billionaire about town.

Washington political commentators are more sceptical about Timothy’s presidential run. A leading pundit said anonymously:

“He’s English isn’t he? Also a cat? I’m not sure he’s even a billionaire? His only policy is “tax cuts for cats”. That makes no sense, cats don’t even pay taxes. Is this what I’ve been reduced to as a political journalist? Talking about surreal absurdities in a world gone mad?”

Timothy’s campaign manager was unwilling to leave his name with us but appeared to be a hastily put together craft-work model of a dog made out of woven grass.

“These eligibility questions about Timothy are frankly absurd. Nobody knows where we will be in 2020. By mid-2019 I fully expect England to be the 53rd US state (after Putin’s bedroom and Narnia) – crazier things have happened in the last two years. Clearly Timothy is a natural born citizen. He wasn’t supernaturally born, despite the rumours.”

Neither Timothy nor his campaign manager were willing to discuss the typo on his book cover.

Terms and Conditions

🔔 Step 2: You must also agree to the HereThere!(™️) teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions prior to energisation.
☑️ I agree to the HereThere!(™️) Teleport-Buffer Terms and Conditions! I’m ready for a great trip!

Teleport-buffer Terms & Conditions

1 You must access and use the HereThere!(tm) teleport-buffer (“teleport-buffer”) only in accordance with these terms and conditions (“Teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions”) the Energiser/De-energiser Terms and Conditions and any instructions for use provided or made available by Tel-E-Port-U Centauri Pty Ltd or its affiliates (“Tel-E-Port-U”) or Engineering Officers from time to time.

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Star Trek Discovery Season 2 Scripts Scoop! A Felapton Towers exclusive!

Where next for Star Trek Discovery? The hit and miss Trek prequel has been greenlit for a second season but with major characters either dead or traitors of one kind or another, it is hard to see where the show can go in season 2.

As people now know, I am secretly the husband of many, many famous people including Vladimir Putin, Chuck Tingle and some top Hollywood scriptwriters. Using my manifold connections I have secured the Season 2 Episode 1 script! Yes, golly gosh and wow!

Major news! A beloved character from a previous Trek spin-off will be a regular character. You’ll never guess who!

Obviously, spoiler aplenty below the fold.

Continue reading “Star Trek Discovery Season 2 Scripts Scoop! A Felapton Towers exclusive!”

In Americas Heartland, the Demonic Spider Monster Next Door


By Dunk Chibblebits, the New Yrok Tines

In Iowa, amid the rows of crops and non-existant hills, the Cheesecake factories and Happy Joes Pizza & Ice-Creams, Mr SnckerChitter’s presence can make hardly a ripple. He is the demonic spider monster next door, polite and low-key at a time the old boundaries of accepted canibalistic activity can seem disturbingly in motion. Many Americans would be disgusted and horrified by his casually approving remarks about Ungoliant the Horror of the Clefts of Pelori, disdain for endoskeletal lifeforms and belief that the sucking the juices out of human prey tightly wrapped in demonic spider silk is ‘a happy night in’. But his thorax markings are innocuous pop-culture references: a MacDonalds Szcheuan Sauce sachet adorns one segment, a homage to the TV show “Rick and Morty”. He says he prefers to spread the gospel of arachnoid hegemony with satire. He is a big Tim Allen fan.