McEdifice Returns By Straw Puppy and Timothy the Talking Cat.
The “story” so far. After being captured by the forces of the Space Vampires, McEdifice was sent back in time and space through the gaping maw of a giant space vampire head. Determined to rescue him the alien Qzrrzxxzq and ScanScan the Dancing Photocopier man, journey first to 1960’s America and then to 1950’s England. Reunited the trio leap once more into the future headed for Draculon 6 – The Vampire Planet of the Six-sixty-six System.
I was only a timid photocopier caught up in a mans world. I had set out to find myself and make my way in unforgiving world of office administration – but I had dreams, dreams I had to deny myself, dreams of dancing to the beat of my soul, dreams of moving to the rhythm of the universe.
Those long, lonely weeks working at the offices of Spindle, Spindle & Gatefold, I had felt invisible, overlooked, only noticed when something went wrong. I was always ready to be blamed for a late report or an overdue memo. No body saw me for who I really was but just a means to an end, a happy scapegoat for other people’s poor planning, bad timekeeping or inadequate attention to margin settings.
Then one day everything changed. An alien attack! I was possessed by a force I could not understand! Would this be the end of me? Doomed to be enslaved by a psychic power?
And then…then HE arrived. Broad shouldered and with a commanding charisma. A man who brooked no compromise, who knew where he stood and how he stood there. A man whose very name said “Chiseled”. With one powerful movement of his bemuscled arms, he freed me from the grip of my alien possession. At that moment I knew love for the first time.
But no sooner had we met than he left me. Yet for one brief moment I had been noticed. But more than that I was FREE, free to follow my two deepest desires!
- To dance! To dance like Fontaine! Like Baryshikov! Like Toni “Mickey Your So Fine” Basil!
- To photocopy my own bottom.
Admittedly the second one was less edifying. And yet…
Via the transformation required for both hobbies I discovered the secrets of multidimensional spatial manipulation. And by using those powers and the incorporation of an ansible projector into my functions, I could repay my debt to him by heading back in time to rescue my true love – Chiseled McEdifice.
Together at last, he held me in his powerful arms and said:
“WAKE UP MCEDIFICE!”
In a surprisingly higher pitched voice.
“WAKE. UP. MC. EDIFICE!” his voice insisted. This was not what I expected at all.
Suddenly I was drenched as if somebody had poured a bucket of cold water all over me.
I sat up with a start. Over to my left was ScanScan the Dancing Photocopier man shaking his head in a befuddle manner. Standing over me, holding a bucket, was Qzrrzxxzq.
“Wait,” I asked, “Am I Chiseled McEdifice or am I ScanScan the Dancing Photocopier Man?”
“You’re McEdifice,” stated Qzrrzxxzq.
“Oh boy, you will not believe the weird dream I just had!” I replied.
“Oooh yes, I will,” said Qzrrzxxzq, “You were narrating your dream VERY loudly. I had to wake you before you gave our position away.”
“But…” said McEdifice switching the narrative from first person to third person, “I was experiencing deeply romantic feelings about myself…”
“Place originals face down on the platter,” said ScanScan mournfully.
“I’m so sorry ScanScan!” said McEdifice, “It was a psychic leak caused by our interdimensional travel! I understand now! It all makes sense! The Space Vampires must have caused my brain to attune to the psychic auras of those around me. That’s why they sent me back to a time and place where I would be surrounded by peace loving hippies!”
“You are making no sense. Just wait there, I’ll get another bucket of water.” said Qzrrzxxzq helpfully.
“No need – I’m back in my right wits! You see, it was no good the Space Vampires killing me… that would just make me a martyr and an inspiration to manly Space Marines everywhere.” explained McEdifice, “Instead, they used hippies to dampen my manly Space Marine aura – an aura so manly and inspiring that without it the Space Vampires would at last have chance of victory!”
“You might be right, McEdifice,” said Qzrrzxxzq, “but we are trapped now on Draculon 6 with no guns and no ammo and you may have broken ScanScan’s heart.”
“Noooooo!!!!!” said McEdifice.