McEdifice Returns: Chapter Alt-Comic Book!!!

mcskycopyFrom the desk of Timothy the Talking Cat, Chief Editor and Owner of Cattimothy House Publishing:

For too long have ordinary readers been treated like scummy scum by the hoity-toity elites of BIG comic book publishing! We all sick to our stomachs with stories that spit on our sacred values of simplistic plots, hastily drawn figures and the pressing need for squirrels to be the bad guys.

Well good news! Thanks to our incredible campaign of crowd sourced fundings, Cattimothy House’s latest project can NOW BE REVEALED. Thanks to ordinary backers like Straw Puppy, Straw Puppy’s brother Bob, Straw Puppy’s Mum (and no thanks at all to some stingy people who didn’t contribute anything – yeah, you know who you are SUSAN, the sarcasm was NOT appreciated) all our stretch goals are now FULLY funded.

Yes, all you McEdifice fans out there GOOD NEWS! The exclusive, collectors edition, GRAPHIC NOVEL chapter of McEdifice Returns is now available! A clear shot across the bows of Marvel and DC and Image. With an amazing script from Straw Puppy and art by a super-well-known comic book artist who cannot be named for fear of reprisals by the liberal elite!

Enjoy!

[What? What do you mean there’s a typo on the cover? Yeah, well that maybe how they spell “their” in your fancy New York offices but that’s not how we spell it on the streets with right thinking ordinary people who are sick and tired of being lectured to by social-justice spellers and leftwing proofreaders and cultural-Marxist copyeditors!]

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McEdifice Returns: Chapter Baen

McBaendefice

McEdifice Returns by Mr Timothy TT Cat and S. Puppy Esquire

“Make me a Baen cover.”

“Huh.”

“Make me a Baen cover.”

“What?”

“Make me a Baen cover.”

“It’s…shit…its 2 am in the morning.”

“Is there another 2 am?”

“What?”

“Is there another 2 am that isn’t in the morning?”

“Yeah, there’s this 2 am that is in the middle of the bloody night.”

“Make me a Baen cover.”

“No.”

“Make me a Baen cover.”

“I’m trying to sleep.”

“Make me a Baen cover.”

“OK. If I concede to your demands will you let me sleep.”

“Yes.”

“Good. What do you want?”

“Make me a Baen cover.”

“You know other cats wake their owners up to get water, or food or to get out of the house.”

“Make me a Baen cover.”

“Is this your book?”

“Yes. Make me a Baen cover.”

“I’ve made like twenty covers already.”

“Make me a Baen cover.”

“A Baen cover?”

“Yeah…all big letters or different sizes and garish colours and a picture that doesn’t quite make sense.”

“Does it need nozzles?”

“I’m easy one way or another on the topic of nozzles.”

“Good. I’m a bit nozzled out from the last cover.”

“Thanks.”

pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter.

“He said he would do it.”

“Cool.”

“So what’s this chapter.”

“McEdifice goes to a job agency and gets a a job working in an office.”

“Is that it?”

“Well that’s what needs to happen.”

“My chapter was better.”

“Why is the computer making words without typing?”

“I’m wearing this microphone and using dictation software.”

“Has it been running all this time?”

“I guess so.”

“Well I can guess we can call this chapter done!”

“Yay! Time for bed!”

Review: Star Trek Discovery – Episode 4

Michael Burnham continues to entertain as the human who tries to be Vulcan and is a bit messed up as a result. Partly (and only partly) this is the most Star Trekky episode yet. Sadly, the air of dark mystery established last episode basically vanishes this episode. This is not a plot whole as such – Michael Burnham is the main point of view and last week she was little more than a infamous prisoner being given a brief oppotunity to help out before being shipped back to the surprisingly regressive Federation penal system. This week Michael is a reluctant (and rankless) member of the crew and as a consequence people are more open about what is going on.

Spoilers below the fold…

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That Last Cover

A shorter interval than usual between McEdifice chapters. The delays are not in the speed of Timothy’s writing – he writes like the wind, as is only proper. Quantity is the mark of the true author and Tim has no time for those lazy liberal writers who are all “boo hoo, the collapse of civil society is getting in the way of my typing”.

Of course, I have to make his blimmin’ chapter covers (who has covers for chapters for grudness sake) and I am distracted by the collapse of civil society. Still I was inspired yesterday by my perennial guru for all things SF book covery: Brad Torgersen.

Brad was extolling the wonders of this cover for a forthcoming book by Mike Kupari.

I’ve already discussed Brad’s paradox before and he still seems to want books he doesn’t like to both HAVE and NOT HAVE overtly SF covers. The cover to All the Birds in the Sky makes him grumpy because its has no spaceships and yet he complains about books that do have spaceships on the cover being too literary. You just can’t win.

Or can you?

See, the way I see it is, if three, maybe four, rocket nozzles are good then NINE smokin’ rocket nozzles is EVEN BETTER!

Hence this:

mcedificeNOZZLES

McEdifice Returns: Chapter for the sake of argument let’s call it nine

mcedificeNOZZLES

McEdifice Returns brought to you Timothy the Talking Cat, “the wonder ingredient to a slimmer you”, and Straw Puppy, “the HDMI cable that deliver all your bits with freshness”.

The Anti-Vampire Alliance had barely begun full mobilization of its forces when diplomats managed to broker a peace-treaty. With the failure of the harvest on the garlic and blue-cheese planet of Halitosis Z, the Alliance had good cause to delay a conflict. Meanwhile the Space Vampires had gained intel on new weapons development by the Alliance that gave the Space Vampires their own reasons for suspending hostilities.

For regular soldiers the arrival of peace was as sudden and unexpected as the emergency draft had been. This was felt most keenly on the worlds exchanged by both sides as an outcome of the peace negotiations but other worlds felt the impact also. Notably Planet Campus – the Boot Camp and Corporate Office Planet of Tau Bootes X, which had a substantial population of army recruits living there at the moment peace was declared. The mass transportation of these recruits within a few hours was the most notable logistical exercise of the war, despite it technically occurring only after peace was declared.  – Extract from “The Eight Space Vampire War” Omnipancyclopedia Cosmosicos 3576

McEdifice was running. He’d changed into his basic uniform in the car park to the space port but he still smelt of sweat, timber and garlic. He arrived at the check-in desk hoping against hope that a military transport was still available to take former recruits up to the Lagrange Platform and onto a space flight home.

“Sorry, you missed the last one.” said the helpful check-in desk robot.

“Damn.” said McEdifice.

“There is a civilian flight in twenty minutes,” said the robot helpfully.

“Great! How much?” asked McEdifice.

“Well the shuttle flight only costs 20 decicreds.” said the robot.

“But it will get me to the platform in time to catch the last military interstellar flight back home?” asked McEdifice.

“Yesssss, but…you see I can’t sell you a shuttle flight to the platform without you having a confirmed ticket for an interstellar flight. Now you had a confirmed booking from the Army on the earlier interstellar flight but you missed that one and you aren’t on the passenger list for the last one. So I can’t sell you the ticket.” the robot pulled a sad face to express empathy with McEdifice.

“Damn.” said McEdifice.

“But…you could buy a ticket for a short-run commercial interstellar flight taking you 3 light years over to the neighbouring system of Bip-Bop Alpha – the jigsaw system of wooden puzzles and cake stands. That would be only 1.2 kilocredits. That will give you access to the platform and you could sort out your booking up their AND get a refund (minus booking fee) on the commercial flight.” said the robot with a proactive helpfulness that gave it an inner feeling of warmth and comfort. It liked helping customers in a way that almost bordered on sexual self-gratification.

“Great! I’ll do that!” said McEdifice.

“I should warn you the booking fee can be quite high,” said the robot.

“I don’t care. I’ve places to be. Here is my credit spool-cassette.” McEdifice handed over the hi-tech magnetic tape cassette on which was stored his financial transactions – allowing for interstellar commerce despite the limitations of speed of light communications and the fact that you couldn’t use ansibles for money exchanges for reasons we can’t think of right now.

The robot took the credit spool-cassette and placed it into the tape-player. As it spooled along the player gave a “doohnkg” noise.

“Oh dear!” said the robot, “Unfortunately you have no valid funds for this transaction!”

“What! There must be some kind of mistake!” said McEdifice.

The robot shook its chrome-like head sadly. “I’m so, so sorry sir. You see your funds are all in non-standard Steppe Farthings – the currency of the Grassland Planet of Steppes. You may not be aware that the Grassland Planet of Steppes was handed over to the Space Vampire Empire (or “Vempire” if you will) as part of the peace treaty.”

“No, why would they do such a thing!” cried McEdifice.

“Well basically almost nobody lived there except a gang of outlaws and some crazy old war veteran. Also, the planet really only had one thing: having lots of grass. People really want planets with two or more things these days. Multitudinous Gamma has at least six things now! It’s the disco planet, the knitted sock planet, the equatorial ice-cap planet, the bouncy-castle planet, the four-headed fish-monster planet and also its oceans are purple!” explained the robot helpfully.

“but what will I do now?” said McEdifice.

The robot patted his hand in an attempt to comfort him. “I’m so, so sorry dear. It looks like you are stuck here for the time being. Go into town, get a job and work up some credits for a flight home. You’ll see, it will all be OK.” The robot gave McEdifice its best conciliatory smile.

“A job?” said McEdifice.

“In an office.” said the robot.

“Nnnoooooooo!!!!!!!!’ cried McEdifice.