Where next for Star Trek Discovery? The hit and miss Trek prequel has been greenlit for a second season but with major characters either dead or traitors of one kind or another, it is hard to see where the show can go in season 2.
As people now know, I am secretly the husband of many, many famous people including Vladimir Putin, Chuck Tingle and some top Hollywood scriptwriters. Using my manifold connections I have secured the Season 2 Episode 1 script! Yes, golly gosh and wow!
Major news! A beloved character from a previous Trek spin-off will be a regular character. You’ll never guess who!
Obviously, spoiler aplenty below the fold.
Star Trek Discovery – Space Diner
[Theme song over a cutesy animation:
Tilly was just a space cadet, boldly going ‘cross the universe, but work was getting her down, making her frown, till a woman called Michael turned her world around.
Now she’s quit her job on the Discovery, made a new life selling tasty food, but guess who’s out of prison now? Dobeedeedoo]
[Scene a 1960’s style American diner but with Star Trek flourishes. Morn from DS9 is sitting on a stool at the countertop permanently nursing a cup of coffee]
[Tilly walks enters in her Discovery uniform but also wearing a pink apron. Audience cheers and claps as she enters]
Tilly: Michael! Michael! Oh, where has she got to and where are all our customers?
Morn: [looks up as if to imply he is a customer]
Tilly: You don’t count Morn!
[Michael Burnham walks in] [Audience cheers hysterically]
Michael: Ms Tilly, I was just rationalising the customers.
Tilly: You were what now?
Michael: I have organised them into a queue on the street by their likely menu request and then alphabetised by surname.
Tilly: You did what now?
Michael: As a child on Vulcan I learned that this was a logical way of organising a refectory.
[Tilly smiles understandingly]
Tilly: Oh Michael. People don’t come to our diner to be alphabetised. They come here to be with friends. That’s what this diner is all about – friendship.
Michael: I’m sorry Captain Tilly, I once again have let my reason get in the way of emotions!
Tilly: Never you mind Michael. The important thing was that you were trying! Now maybe you could go to the storeroom and sort out our supplies.
[Tilly ushers the confused customers in – they all sit down in boothes except one]
[Tilly notices the one customer still standing]
Tilly: Ash Tyler! You no good scoundrel! What are you doing here!
Ash: I just came for some coffee is all.
Tilly: You don’t fool me Ash Tyler! You are here to see Michael and mope about looking all hurt and vulnerable and sort of dreamy…
Ash: You’ve got to believe me – I’ve changed!
Tilly: Oh I bet you have changed! What is it now? You are half Ferengi this time? You are an Andorian now? You are that silicon-based lifeforms that can only speak to humans via a Vulcan mind meld and you need Michael to take your order?
Ash: Technically she isn’t a Vulcan…
Tilly [reacting angrily]; Michael is just out of prison and she is trying to build a new life and a new career in short-order catering in the retro-themed restaurant business and she does not need YOU in her life right now.
[Audience whoops and cheers]
[Ash Tyler walks out dejectedly]
Tilly: Well that is today’s disaster averted! Nothing can wrong now!
[In walks Health Inspector Stamets]
Tilly: Oh crap buckets.
Stamets: Ms Tilly. I’m just confirming that you’ll be ready for my kitchen inspection at eleven hundred hours.
Tilly: Your what now?
Stamets: My kitchen inspection. After my last visit, you were given two weeks to ensure your kitchen was entirely free of mould.
Tilly: But it was just a tiny patch!
Stamets: You know how I feel about spores, Ms Tilly. A tiny patch now but before you know it this whole diner could be consumed by a fungal infection and then stretched across the whole fabric of the universe!
Tilly: Please don’t get angry Mr Stamets! Michael was cleaning up the mould only last week!
Stamets: Just ensure everything is SPOTLESS by eleven!
Tilly: Michael! Michael!
Michael [exiting from the kitchen]: Yes?
Tilly: Please tell me you sorted out our mould problem.
Michael: Absolutely. All the mould is in the M box.
Tilly: The what now?
Michael: The M box. I’ve adopted a logical system for finding nearly everything in our kitchen.
Tilly: Oh no. Please tell me the M box doesn’t have the meringues in it.
Michael: I cannot tell you that because the M box does indeed contain meringues. Also meat, moisture, macaroons, macarons, macaroni and maracas.
Tilly: Oh no! Did you alphabetise everything?
Michael: Of course not! Lorca wouldn’t go in the L box and there were far too many rats to fit in the R box.
Tilly: Well at least Lorca can still cook. Wait…what do you mean ’Too many rats’?
Michael: We need to discuss some concerns I have regarding Cook Lorca’s behaviour.
Tilly: Please tell me he doesn’t have a pet rat.
Michael: It’s a little more serious than that…
[Scene: Tilly and Michael enter the kitchen. One side of the kitchen is neat and clean and is full of stacked boxes labelled A through to Z. The other side is a charnel house of blood and ichor. Flesh drips from every surface, lice-ridden fur clings to the ceiling, a noisome stench fills the air. Naked in the centre of the dripping remains of hundreds of rats squats Lorca, his body marked in eldritch runes written in blood. Is it his blood or those of the rats? No one can say. On a roasting fork, he has impaled the desecrated but still living body of a huge rat, its feeble paws are trying to claw at Lorca’s face as he stares into its eyes.]
Lorca [to the rat]: I know you are conspiring against me but if you reveal the secrets of the other local restaurants I will grant you a merciful death.
Tilly: Well things just took a turn for the grim darker… Again.
Michael: I tried a Vulcan nerve pinch but his skin is too slimy to get a decent grip.
Tilly: Did you try stunning him?
Michael: Do what now?
Tilly: Your Starfleet issue phaser has a STUN setting, silly! Why do I always have to remind you?
[Michael fires her phaser several times at Lorca who somehow resists the blasts for several shots but then keels over. The eviscerated rat runs away.]
Michael: Well that’s another captain down. [She marks a notch on her phaser] Problem solved.
Tilly [in tears]: It’s not solved, Michael! That meany Stamets will be here at eleven to check that the kitchen is spotless! And you’ve got meat on the meringues!
Michael: Also I have meat on the maracas.
Tilly: THAT’S NOT THE ISSUE MICHAEL! There’s no way you and I can get this clean before Stamets gets back! Don’t you see Michael? Our dream is over! I’ll have to go back to Starfleet and dealing with parallel universes and psychotic Harry Mudds. And without a job, your parole officer will send you back to prison! It’s no good Michael, only a miracle could save us now and you don’t believe in miracles.
Michael: As David Hume explained, miracles…
Tilly: I’m sorry Michael, I just can’t right now. I’ve got to get out of here and clear my head.
[Tilly storms out. Michael is left standing in the kitchen looking puzzled.]
[Montage of Tilly walking in the rain on a planet made of polystyrene rocks. She looks sad.]
Hugh Culber: Don’t look so sad Tilly. What’s troubling you?
Tilly: It’s no good Dr Culber, I’ve messed everything up and that awful husband of yours is going to close my diner.
Culber: Oh Stamets can seem overbearing but he has a sweet heart. Only the other day he and I were brushing our teeth…
Tilly: Brushing your what now?
Culber:..and Stamets said to me ‘Hugh, Ms Tilly’s diner is the cleanest diner on this whole polystyrene rock planet.’ I’m sure he’ll be understanding.
Tilly [wiping away her tears]: You think?
Culber: Sure. Let’s go back to the diner and see if we can’t fix things a little.
[Scene back at the diner.]
[Tilly walks into the kitchen. Dr Culber follows her in. She is talking as she walks in and holding her hands over her eyes.]
Tilly: I just can’t look! The blood! The rat fur! The tiny paws! The meat maracas!
Culber: Tilly! Look!
[Tilly uncovers her eyes. The kitchen is sparkling clean. All the food is in sensible and sanitary places.]
Tilly: Its, it’s, it’s a…
Michael [stepping into the kitchen]: it’s a miracle Tilly.
Tilly: But how!
Michael: A bit of Vulcan know how, and a sprinkle of human emotion. I had an epiphany.
Tilly: You had a what now?
Michael: You correctly surmised that two people could not clean up the kitchen in the requisite time. Therefore…
Tilly: Therefore we were doomed!
Michael: That is an illogical conclusion, Ms Tilly. Two people could not clean up the kitchen but…a whole heap of FRIENDS could clean up the kitchen easily!
Tilly: You got the customers to help!
Michael: Yes, you told me the solution right at the start of the episode! People come here for friendship.
[Audience goes “awwwwww”*]
[Michael stands awkwardly as Tilly gives her a hug]
[Audience goes “awwwwww” again]
[Tilly, Michael and Dr Culber walk into the front of the diner.]
[All the customers cheer, except Morn who is sitting at the counter still cleaning blood off a set of maracas.]
[Tilly looks at them all and holds her arms out wide as if she is giving the whole diner a hug]
Tilly: You did what now?
[Credits roll for a while then pause and we cut back to the now empty diner. Saru walks in]
Saru: What did I miss?
[Laughter, final credits]
*(ETA changed from ‘ahhhhh’ to ‘awwww’ because this isn’t a British sit-com)