Terms and Conditions

🔔 Step 2: You must also agree to the HereThere!(™️) teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions prior to energisation.
☑️ I agree to the HereThere!(™️) Teleport-Buffer Terms and Conditions! I’m ready for a great trip!

Teleport-buffer Terms & Conditions

1 You must access and use the HereThere!(tm) teleport-buffer (“teleport-buffer”) only in accordance with these terms and conditions (“Teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions”) the Energiser/De-energiser Terms and Conditions and any instructions for use provided or made available by Tel-E-Port-U Centauri Pty Ltd or its affiliates (“Tel-E-Port-U”) or Engineering Officers from time to time.

2 The teleport-buffer is designed for HereThere!(tm) VIP Club members (“Members”) to contain their own thoughts, DNA-profiles, matter states and continuity of persistent existence profiles. The materials holding thoughts and opinions contained on this teleport-buffer (including the responses in the ‘HereThere!(tm) Help Panel and the ’DNA-check sum’ area) are the thoughts and opinions of the teleported parties and not those of Tel-E-Port-U. Tel-E-Port-U does not endorse or support any buffered thoughts or opinions or guarantee the accuracy of any of the information, beliefs or perceived facts stored on the teleport-buffer no matter how brief or protracted storage in the buffer might be.

3 Without limiting the above, the information stored regarding the biological integrity of the transported are not those of the supervising Medical Officer. If you have any queries or concerns or require any further professional advice about any of the biometric data on yourself appearing on the teleport-buffer, you should consult your doctor or health care professional. This includes any information provided in the “HereThere!(tm) Help Panel”. Please count all your organs before energisation.

4 In respect of DNA, body-profiles, neuron-connections, hormone profiles, long term memories, short term memories, beliefs, genotypes, phenotypes, clothing, names, likenesses, logos, artwork, graphics, images, video, audio, embedded-AI or other cognitive enhancements, cybernetic impacts, software applications and other content or material uploaded, sent or communicated by you or on your behalf by teleport staff to the teleport-buffer (“User-Specific Content”), you acknowledge and agree that you are responsible for:
– the suitability, installation, configuration, uploading, downloading, use, operation, communication, accuracy and legality of the User-Specific Content, and that Tel-E-Port-U does not monitor, install, configure, download, review, authorise, edit or alter User-Specific Content except when necessary or expedient; and
– the back up of the User-Specific Content and any other data or files, unless otherwise expressly agreed by Tel-E-Port-U.

5 You authorise and license Tel-E-Port-U to copy, reproduce, communicate, distribute, perform, hyperwarp and display the User-Specific Content for the purposes of providing the teleport-buffer, site and any associated services to you.

6 You warrant that the User-Specific Content and your use of the User-Specific Content in the teleport-buffer:
(A) complies with all Applicable Laws at the site of energisation and at the site of de-energisation (see also Energise/De-energise ToCs).
(B) is not obscene or indecent (within the normal bounds of whole body digitisation), unsuitable for impressionable siliconoids, excessively violent, false, misleading, deceptive, fraudulent or defamatory unless clearly marked as ‘deep-seated unexpressed antagonism’;
(C) does not infringe any intellectual property rights or other rights of any entity or person unless clearly marked as “somewhat confused recollection of that book/movie/holo I once read/watched/holo-acted”.
(D) does not include pornography, nudity, adult sexual content outside of the subconscious and does not include any sex-related merchandising (including tattoos or glow-in-the-dark sex organs);
(E) is not damaging to Tel-E-Port-U’s servers or any other servers on the inter-port network or likely to cause a warp-core breach;
(F) does not contain any promotional material or advertising for commercial purposes or personal financial gain (except as permitted in the ‘chain-of-existence’ teleport-buffer);
(G) does not advertise used body-parts or seek to purchase used body-parts from other teleported entities;
(H) does not include material or resources relating to hacking/phreaking, bacteria, bio-viruses, digi-viruses, memes, psychenarchy, earworms, the dark side of the force or that promote or participate in wilful harm to inter-port network buffers or providers;
(I) does not contain spoilers or plot revelations that may be inadvertently revealed to other Members;
(J) does not contain any infectious anxiety about the teleportation process that might unnerve other Members during the buffering process nor any alarming stories about people being teleported into solid objects or becoming half-man/half-fly monsters.

7 Tel-E-Port-U may without notice to you remove, amend, alter or deny access to any User-Specific Content or Content in its sole discretion if:
(i) it is required to do so by any Applicable Law or order or judgment of a Court or tribunal of fact or law or other competent body (including any “take down notice” issued under the Digital Body Content Act); or
(ii) in Tel-E-Port-U’s opinion any such User-Specific Content is obscene, offensive, indecent, excessively violent, illegal, saxophone related, misleading or defamatory, or otherwise unacceptable, undesirable or objectionable (including if it contains information about brands or alternative transport systems which are in competition with Tel-E-Port-U or Tel-E-Port-U products).
(iii) it is discovered that you are harbouring (willingly or unwillingly) a parasitic entity, energy being, or demonic power that has an existing arrest warrant or which appears on the ‘do not teleport’ watch list. Note Tel-E-Port-U does not offer removal of such entities as a service and cannot be held responsible for any body or personality changes that occur as a results. Members should consult their own medical care provider and/or priest before energisation;
(iv) you use the term ‘beamed’, ‘beam me up’ or ‘Scotty’, whether ironically or ‘in a spirit of fun’, without express written permission from Tel-E-Port-U;
(v) it is found that you are wearing teleport resistant clothing/underwear in the hope that you will de-energise naked and surprise everybody. It wasn’t funny the first time. Please stop that.

8 Messages sent via the DNA-check sum area are intended for the recipient only. They are not to be copied into the public areas of the teleport-buffer. However they may be passed on to Tel-E-Port-U or the moderator of the teleport-buffer for review. Tel-E-Port-U reserves the right to move, edit and lock strands and generally manage the structure of your DNA as it sees fit.

9 The ‘chain-of-existence’ teleport-subbuffer is the only place where Members may provide details of their persistent identity. All files in this section will be moderated and approved at the sole discretion of Tel-E-Port-U.

10 The service is not to be used to create by design or accident ‘clones’, copies, simulacrums, homunculi or other forms of repeated versions of an individual without expression permission from Tel-E-Port-U. “Buffer accident” will be regarded as a infringement of these terms and conditions if it results in two alternate versions of a Member.

11 No saxophones.

12 The service is for the purpose of transportation not personal expression. Members are not permitted to:
(|) manipulate buffer data to create body modifications, changes or ‘improvements’ of a physical or psychological nature;
(||) manipulate buffer data for the purpose of ‘practical expression of a philosophical thought experiment’ or for the purpose of extended metaphors about the fragility of identity or the loss of self in the face of technological change.

13 The Report-a-tragedy function, the Contact An Engineer function and the Customer Away Team are the only avenues for Members to report or discuss objectionable teleportation behaviour by other Members. Any data of this nature taking place on the public teleport-buffer will be removed.

14 Tel-E-Port-U may suspend your membership or restrict your access to teleport services if you do not comply with these teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions. If deemed necessary by Tel-E-Port-U, you may be reported to the appropriate authorities or planes of existence. You may be beamed directly to a place of incarceration for your own safety or the safety of others. The use of force fields is permitted in such circumstances.

15 Tel-E-Port-U may terminate these teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions and/or your access to the teleport-buffer and/or you, at any time without notice. In the event of termination you must immediately cease accessing and using the teleport-buffer and Content and (at Tel-E-Port-U’s option) return any wet copies of the Content or destroy any wet copies and any other digital copies of the Content within your control or possession. All restrictions imposed on you, licences granted by you and all disclaimers, indemnities and limitations of liability set out in these teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions will survive even if you do not. We are not liable for burial costs or identification of remains.

16 Members also expressly acknowledge and agree that the HereThere!(tm) teleport-buffer is a means of public and not private transportation, whereby information and images submitted to the public teleport-buffer can be accessed by both Members and the general public. Due care should be taken when sharing private information and images with other Members in both the public teleport-buffer and the DNA-check sum area.

17 Any User-Specific Content may be reproduced or archived in any manner that Tel-E-Port-U considers appropriate. Tel-E-Port-U is bound by the Interstellar Privacy & Body-Integrity Principles in the Integrity Act 2198 and by becoming a Member and participating in the teleport-buffer, you are taken to consent to Tel-E-Port-U’s privacy policy. A Member may access and correct any personal information held by Tel-E-Port-U, upon request to Tel-E-Port-U.

18 Tel-E-Port-U will not be liable for any injury, loss or damage of any nature whatsoever (including but not limited to being turned into a half man/half fly creature) which is suffered or sustained as a result of or in connection with:
(1) receiving, giving or using any material contained on the teleport-buffer; or
(2) access to or non-access to the teleport-buffer,
except for any liability which cannot be excluded by the local laws of physics in the area of operation.

19 If any term, condition, or provision of these teleport-buffer Terms and Conditions is determined to be unlawful, invalid, void, or physically unenforceable, the validity and enforceability of the remaining terms, conditions and provisions shall not in any way be affected or impaired regardless of your status as a ‘higher kind of life form that has transcended such mortal concerns’.

11 thoughts on “Terms and Conditions

  1. So, does my push-up bra count as ‘misleading’ under 6(B) or ‘sex-related merchandising’ under 6(D)? Should I pack it in my check-in luggage?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Agreed. Wait until the lawyers get a hold of it, though. Line 11 (“No saxophones”) should contain thousands of words defining saxophones, and that’s just for a start; the end result will probably prohibit all musical instruments as well as anybody who can whistle.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. What’s TEPU got against saxophones? That’ll get them sued by all sorts of bands and orchestras. And/or lead to a thriving saxophone rental service across the street from every one of their offices.

    (12) II is a damn fine clause and will reduce the amount of boring waffling from gits, which is obviously a public service.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. All those saxophone rental stores are owned by the founder of TEPU, who bought a huge amount of bankrupt stock when Saxophones-R-Us went out of business. The whole inventing teleportation bit was just his way of getting to Phase 3: Profit!!!

      Liked by 1 person

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