Shock billionaire spoiler candidate enters presidential race

Timothy the Talking Cat, billionaire CEO of publishing multinational “Cattimothy House” entered the 2020 Presidential fray, with a shock announcement on Tuesday. At a book launch in Borstworth Library, the outspoken cat and business guru laid out his vision for a new kind of US President.

While discussing his new book I’m So Rich I’d Like to Be President, the celebrity publishing mogul explained his thinking.

“I mean, the cheapest way to get free publicity for my book is to run for President. I don’t even need to actually run a campaign or anything. Also, I don’t want Democrats taxing my massive income but being a Republican would hurt my lovable image. Independent spoiler candidate is the trendy new look for the billionaire about town.

Washington political commentators are more sceptical about Timothy’s presidential run. A leading pundit said anonymously:

“He’s English isn’t he? Also a cat? I’m not sure he’s even a billionaire? His only policy is “tax cuts for cats”. That makes no sense, cats don’t even pay taxes. Is this what I’ve been reduced to as a political journalist? Talking about surreal absurdities in a world gone mad?”

Timothy’s campaign manager was unwilling to leave his name with us but appeared to be a hastily put together craft-work model of a dog made out of woven grass.

“These eligibility questions about Timothy are frankly absurd. Nobody knows where we will be in 2020. By mid-2019 I fully expect England to be the 53rd US state (after Putin’s bedroom and Narnia) – crazier things have happened in the last two years. Clearly Timothy is a natural born citizen. He wasn’t supernaturally born, despite the rumours.”

Neither Timothy nor his campaign manager were willing to discuss the typo on his book cover.

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18 thoughts on “Shock billionaire spoiler candidate enters presidential race”

    1. Not true! Timothy tells things like they are. Timothy is honest. Timothy is the candidate I want to have a beer with. Timothy will run government like a business. Timothy understands my problems. Timothy isn’t like those egghead liberals. Timothy rejects PC culture and fake news. Timothy is a self-made cat. Timothy is not some eldritch horror wearing a cat skin. Timothy is absolutely a viable candidate.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Can you post a transcript of that commercial, please? Because the only word I understood in it was “Exactly”. 😀

        (I’m really not joking.)

        Like

      2. https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1515951/That-Accrington-Stanley-advert.html

        So for full context, the boys are speaking in a Liverpool (“Scouse”) accent, they are wearing the shirts of Liverpool football club, and Ian Rush was a famous player for Liverpool at the time, who were very successful during that period. Accrington Stanley were a lower league football club in the area. For some reason that advert has taken on something of an iconic status.
        That’s probably landed firmly into the status of “a joke you have to explain isn’t funny any more”

        Like

      3. Public service? They anticipated the coming global reach of YouTube in bringing British regional accents to a bemused world? A staffer was just a big Accrington fan?

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Every catillionaire is a policy failure. I’ve had enough of catillionaires who don’t want to pay their fair share of ratses.

    Liked by 1 person

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