In Americas Heartland, the Demonic Spider Monster Next Door

spidersupermarket

By Dunk Chibblebits, the New Yrok Tines

In Iowa, amid the rows of crops and non-existant hills, the Cheesecake factories and Happy Joes Pizza & Ice-Creams, Mr SnckerChitter’s presence can make hardly a ripple. He is the demonic spider monster next door, polite and low-key at a time the old boundaries of accepted canibalistic activity can seem disturbingly in motion. Many Americans would be disgusted and horrified by his casually approving remarks about Ungoliant the Horror of the Clefts of Pelori, disdain for endoskeletal lifeforms and belief that the sucking the juices out of human prey tightly wrapped in demonic spider silk is ‘a happy night in’. But his thorax markings are innocuous pop-culture references: a MacDonalds Szcheuan Sauce sachet adorns one segment, a homage to the TV show “Rick and Morty”. He says he prefers to spread the gospel of arachnoid hegemony with satire. He is a big Tim Allen fan.

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14 thoughts on “In Americas Heartland, the Demonic Spider Monster Next Door

    1. I keep thinking about Omaha, and the streets (not all, or even most, just some) that feel like they’re at 45° angles to the plane. I was thinking they might be due to the river, but is this the explanation for those as well?

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      1. I grew up in Omaha, so I know *exactly* the kind of streets you are talking about. Our hills aren’t loess hills, or more precisely, if they do have loess it comes from a different geological event than the Loess Hills–they were formed by wind-blown sediments from the Missouri River valley, and the wind in this region is generally west to east.

        Weirdly enough, in spite of my long-standing interest in geology it never occurred to me to wonder what formed Omaha’s hills until you brought it up. They were just there, part of my world for as long as I’ve had conscious memory. (Now of course I am extremely curious. To google!)

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    2. Yup, drove through them running on I-80 West on my first expedition to Colorado. But given how flat Nebraska generally is, and most of Iowa, it was not nothing…

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      1. Nebraska really isn’t that flat. It just looks that way because they put I-80 in the Platte River valley. If you want to see a state that’s all flat, all the time, check out North Dakota–it got run over repeatedly by glaciers. That leaves a mark, you know.

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      2. Not all of North Dakota is flat, and the flattest bits are the Red River Valley, which is the floor of Lake Agassiz. So it’s not being overrun by glaciers that’s the cause (Norway and the Scottish Highlands aren’t particularly flat) but glaciers blocking off a valley allowing sediment to accumulate. But the Drift Prairie is pretty flat, and that is a glaciated region.

        The south west of North Dakota has substantial hills, by English standards.

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