
Chapter 1
The Countess Moggymotheaten of the House of Moggymotheaten surveyed her surroundings on her palatial spaceship.
โF-ck, f-ck, f-ck,โ she said using her customary choice of vocabulary.
โWouldโฆโ asked her lawyer and occasional ex-lover Buggles Tinternabbeygiftshop, โโฆyou like to me toโฆtake care of this unfortunate incident for you?โ
โOf course I want you to f_cking, f-ck take f_cking, f-ck, f-ck care of f_cking it. F_ckโ said the Countess.
Then for good measure she repeated the word โF_ckโ sixty seven more times at varying distances from Buggles Tinternabbeygiftshopโs face.
Chapter 2
Across the Interminabledependnecy a thousand human habitations drifted through a pithy and not wholly irrelevant info dump that, with a few asides, discussed much of both the history and the underlying physics of the setting of this novel.
True, most of the population of the Interminabledependnecy already knew this, having sat through (as a largely un-talkative population) the first novel of this series and beside which they had all presumably gone to school or something, although the exact details of how these people lived is beside the point as weโll largely be looking at the lives of particularly sweary aristocrats for several more chapters.
Chapter 3
The Emperatrix Betty Niceperson considered her options which despite the massive power of her position was highly limited. Not naturally being a sweary aristocrat left Betty Niceperson at a distinct disadvantage when negotiating with the powerful families of Interminabledependnecy. She simply did not know how to say โF_ckโ with sufficient vehemence to make herself understood. She had experimented with saying โgosh darn itโ but it hadnโt had the same effect.
Just then Buggles Tinternabbeygiftshop arrived with his customary vague threat from the Countess Moggymotheaten.
โIโm sorry,โ explained the Emperatrix, โIโve completely lost track of which person was my half-brother and which person was the Moggymotheaten scion I was supposed to marry and which one was trying to murder me.โ
โThe simple answer,โ explained Buggles, โIs they are in fact all exactly the same person with different names. Itโs a technical term we call SRAMP.โ
โSRAMPโ said Brunomars Nicechap, the Emperatrix’s pet physicist from the first book.
โSome rich arsehole merchant prince,โ explained Buggles acronymically.
โI see,โ said Betty,โ but how does that help with the imminent collapse of the Empire?โ
โIt doesnโt,โ explained Buggles, โI just accidentally wandered in from the earlier chapter.
Chapter 4
โF_cccckkkkkkโ continued the Countess Moggymotheaten for at least another few paragraphs.
Chapter 5
Brunomars Nicechap stood in front of the crowd of angry looking space geologists.
โPlease,โ he pleaded, โyou have to believe me that the whole Interminabledependnecy is going to collapse!โ
โOf course we believe you,โ said the scientists, “your math checks out and anyway the whole thing started to collapse in the last book. We arenโt idiots.โ
โBut, but, weโve a whole chapter to fill with you guys not believing me.โ said Brunomars Nicechap.
โMaybe we could just all sit here and check our emails instead?โ suggested the scientists.
Which is what they did.
Chapter 6
โF_cccckkkkkkโ continued the Countess Moggymotheaten for at least another few chapters.
Chapter 7
โWhat was I doing again?โ asked Buggles Tinternabbeygiftshop of the Emperatrix.
โI think you were still supposed to be in chapter 1 getting orders from the Countess Moggymotheaten.โ suggested Betty as nicely as possible.
โThereโs not much point, sheโll be swearing for another six chapters at least.โ said Buggles.
โWell we could have sex instead?โ suggested Betty.
โOnly if it is perfunctory and somewhat unerotic,โ suggested Buggles.
โF_ck,โ said the Emperatrix.
Chapter 8
Then the Interminabledependnecy collapsed.
โF_ckโ said everybody.
“That’s not how you write a novel,” said Jonathon Franzen.
“F_ck off, Jonathon Franzen,” said the Countess Moggymotheaten who then crashed a spaceship into the sun.
12 responses to “The Concerning Fine by Tim Catzi: Part 2 of the Colluding Umpire”
I’m laughing so hard I can barely type straight. (And yet I did. How the F_ck did that happen?)
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This what happens when you let your cat climb on your keyboard ๐
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Standing ovation
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Apparently Tim sent this draft off to some other sci-fi author to flesh out a bit further.
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I just want to know how you pronounce the underscore. IPA only, please. (That’s International Phonetic Alphabet, not to be confused with the beer. Unless you know of a good gluten free IPA.)
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ฦ
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I much prefer this to the original. For starters, it’s shorter and actually funny. Plus, Jonathan Franzen hopefully gets trapped all alone on a not very hospitable planet by the collapse of the Interminabledependnecy.
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There’s still time in the third book for Jonathan Franzen to get trapped by the collapse!
Maybe on a space station all alone, where he can rant about not being on a planet… no, leaving him exposed to actual weather and nature would probably be worse.
Best of all, no one could hear him whine.
I hesitate to offer any editing advice to such a talent as Tim, but the last line really could be “F_ck off,” said everyone in the Interminabledependnecy, as Countess M crashed a spaceship etc…
Because that’s one thing they could all agree on.
SRAMP is a swell coinage, BTW.
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Sorry, that should have been “then Countess M, etc.” Tim had that part right.
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[…] MISTAKES WERE MADE, INFO WAS DUMPED. Beware! Paralysis (from laughter) may ensue when you read “The Concerning Fine by Tim Catzi: Part 2 of the Colluding Umpire” at Camestros […]
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Is this the sequel to the noir detective novel?
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I knew there was a good reason I was keeping Doctor Cat off the keyboard.
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