From the Desk of Timothy the Talking Cat.
I am a cat of broad and electric tastes. I once bit through the cable of a Nintendo 64 controller and gained a level of enlightenment that would reshape my views on metal physics. You narrow-minded primate souls trap yourselves in tiny genre boxes that limit your exposure to the full range of ideas and the true gamut of artistic expresso.
I shall illustrate. Yesterday, I decided to amuse myself by reading a romance novel. I picked from the shelf the first one I could see, a slim hardback novel with a jaunty yellow dust jacket entitled “New romancer”. Not merely a romance novel but (like me) an advent guard one, pushing beyond the limitations of the kind of middle-brow tastes that you or that fool Clamberdown Fossilchute.
What is new in the world of romance? Firstly mirror shades, obviously. The epitome of cool. Naturally, the “meet cute” convention (in which are star-crossed lovers will first encounter each other) is still an important part of the genre but these days there are more razor-sharp blades involved. Of course, in the exciting but debauched modern urban environment, drug use and [checks notes] toxin sacs play a bigger role in the exciting social milieu of our characters than we would find in classical romance novels such as Cormac McCarthy’s The Road.
Keeping up to date with modern trends is what has enabled the romance genre to stay relevant even for smart-phone obsessed millennials. Even so, I thought there was a tad too much techno-babble in the story and far too many references to the internet. The complicated lengths to which our handsome hero Case attempts to set-up an online date with the sexy-but-mysterious Wintermute is just weird, especially as the very nice Molly is right there. I guess the razors were a worry.
Naturally, the whole story heads towards a big posh social event! Yes, it is a cliche but getting all the characters together at the luxury resort home of the billionaire Tessier-Ashpools is exactly the grand ball event I want in a romance! A comedy of manners ensues as the hostess of the party Lady3Jane embroils them all in a complex party game of “guess the password”.
Of course, it all ends happily as Wintermute finally gets to marry their BFF Neuromancer and the two head off together on a honeymoon to Alpha Centauri and vow never to play pranks with payphones ever again. Sure, it is a big twist that the Happy Ever After ending is for the two freaky computer brains but that is how modern writers are doing things these days and frankly IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT well that’s on you and your limited worldview.
Witty, charming and full of heartwarming moments. Apparently, this up-and-coming author has written another two books in the same style; one featuring a handsome count and another about the Mona Lisa on a road trip. Sound yummy!