Combining our occasional series of pointless infographics, with our occasional series of misclassifying mundane things by sub-genres of SFF and our occasional series of pictures of beards, Felapton Towers presents: beards by subgenres!
Fantasy: 1970s nature mural wallpaper
Sci Fi: DeLorean-as-a-bed
Post Apocalyptic: panic room
Space Opera: velvet curtains
Urban Fantasy: chalk outline on floor
Weird West: rubber saloon doors
Steam Punk: victorian lace curtains made of steel wool
Cyber Punk: remote control climate control that your teenager programmed to do the opposite of what you want
Ruritarian Romance: Ricola-tiled floor
Mutant Superhero: pizza box -as- wallpaper
New Weird: escher-designed parquet floor
Mirror Universe: entirely bookshelves with nothing but Federico Garcia Lorca
Dystopian: Dennis Rodman as nuclear diplomatist. Nothing will ever surpass this void leak.
I always assumed that Wilhelm II was fond of saying “Es ist erreicht”, hence the name of the beard. But it turns out that “Es ist erreicht” was a brand of beard wax popular during the Second German Empire. And no, I have no idea why anybody thought “achievement unlocked” was a good name for beard wax.
I think Kaiser Wilhelm II mustache is the evil steampunk one, Wilhelm I mustache is neutral steampunk (tho his sideburns rivaled Tirpitz’ beard) and one which goes out farther and then curls up at the ends, maybe with wax, is the heroic steampunk one.
For a heroic steampunk ‘stache, check out Victoria’s son in law:
[…] POINT OF EXCLAMATION. Do not miss Camestros Felapton’s “Beard Subgenres (Crossover event!)” unless you have something important scheduled, like sorting your sock drawer. Just […]
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20 responses to “Beard Subgenres (Crossover event!)”
You can’t fool me, those are ALL mirror universe beards!
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True but what KIND of mirror universe is it! Ah!
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The worst kind, subgroup 2b – overcomplicated retcon mashed up from previous series!
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Fantasy: 1970s nature mural wallpaper
Sci Fi: DeLorean-as-a-bed
Post Apocalyptic: panic room
Space Opera: velvet curtains
Urban Fantasy: chalk outline on floor
Weird West: rubber saloon doors
Steam Punk: victorian lace curtains made of steel wool
Cyber Punk: remote control climate control that your teenager programmed to do the opposite of what you want
Ruritarian Romance: Ricola-tiled floor
Mutant Superhero: pizza box -as- wallpaper
New Weird: escher-designed parquet floor
Mirror Universe: entirely bookshelves with nothing but Federico Garcia Lorca
Dystopian: Dennis Rodman as nuclear diplomatist. Nothing will ever surpass this void leak.
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Oh that Rodman one is so so implausible! Where do you get your wacky ideas? 😉
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Urban fantasy: the judges would also accept “Top-down view of dark-haired hunk, shirtless, flexing arm muscles to make heroine swoon”.
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Paranormal romance 🙂
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[checks Twitter – this has proved weirdly popular!]
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Paranormal Romance: blood oozing from the walls in a heart shape
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Urban fantasy and paranormal romance overlap to a very large degree.
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Steampunk needs to be a BIG handlebar mustache, preferably waxed into curls and points. Moustachioes. Just Google it.
I demand a correction posthaste, sirrah!
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It’s bigger than everybody else’s!
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Steampunk definitely demands what used to be called an “Es-ist-erreicht” Bart (“It has been achieved” beard) in German, here sported by Kaiser Wilhelm II: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f7/Wilhelm_II_of_Germany.jpg
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The Ruritarian one was a bit like that initially but without a mouth on the face, it just looked like a weird smile.
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Cora: what used to be called an “Es-ist-erreicht” Bart (“It has been achieved” beard) in German
OMG, the Germans had a phrase for “ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED” before that was a thing! 😀
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FOR FACIAL HAIR! they truely have a word for everything.
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I always assumed that Wilhelm II was fond of saying “Es ist erreicht”, hence the name of the beard. But it turns out that “Es ist erreicht” was a brand of beard wax popular during the Second German Empire. And no, I have no idea why anybody thought “achievement unlocked” was a good name for beard wax.
The Second German Empire was pretty shitty in most ways, but they did have some marvelous facial hair. I give you Alfred von Tirpitz, Grand Admiral of the German Imperial Fleet, and his marvelous beard which is actually named after him: https://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_von_Tirpitz#/media/File:Alfred_von_Tirpitz.png
Ironically, nowadays the beard is more remembered than the man himself.
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That beard is something else – it’s like Jean Paul Gaultier was asked to design a beard based on his Madonna costume
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I think Kaiser Wilhelm II mustache is the evil steampunk one, Wilhelm I mustache is neutral steampunk (tho his sideburns rivaled Tirpitz’ beard) and one which goes out farther and then curls up at the ends, maybe with wax, is the heroic steampunk one.
For a heroic steampunk ‘stache, check out Victoria’s son in law:
Vic’s son Arthur was as steampunky as you can get https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prince_Arthur,_Duke_of_Connaught_and_Strathearn#/media/File:Prince_Arthur,_Duke_of_Connaught.jpg
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[…] POINT OF EXCLAMATION. Do not miss Camestros Felapton’s “Beard Subgenres (Crossover event!)” unless you have something important scheduled, like sorting your sock drawer. Just […]
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