Millenials are Terrible

From the desk of Timothy the Talking Cat.

timeforopinions

I think it is important that I share some of my hard-earned wisdom. This week’s topic:

Millenials! Don’t you just hate them! It wasn’t like this when I was their age*. A young cat about town knew that he had to knuckle under, suck it up, shoulder their responsibilities and greet each new day as a promise of opportunity.

‘Boo hoo. I can’t afford a house or anywhere to live!’ oh you poor dear. Have you tried, oh I don’t know, saving up money for a house? If I can manage it* then SO CAN YOU. Here is how t get your own house the TRADITIONAL hard working way:

  • Don’t drink your fancy coffees.
  • Don’t buy your fancy iPads and other gadgets. I just borrow them from Camestros* and so can you.
  • No more armadillo on toasts.*

I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I got where I was today by positive thinking, clear goals, hard work, clear thinking, positive goals and possibly the lingering effects of a brain-altering virus. These are values the modern generation have lost.

Here is my 10-point plan* to becoming a big successful science-fiction publisher with a big home and all the kibble I can eat and a robot butler:

  1. Be a cat.
  2. Exploit the human emotional weakness for small furry animals.
  3. Miaow a lot for food.
  4. Basically just take over the place.
  5. Don’t leave.

So boo-hoo millennials. College debt? Do you see that holding me back despite my doctorates in astrophysics, medicine and gun-collecting*? Get a part time job. For example being on the board of a major multinational corporation not only pays well but has few time-commitments enabling you to study. Have you even LOOKED for that kind of work? No? Well then don’t moan that “those kinds” of “jobs” aren’t available. Did Donald Trump just wait for some random guy to give him millions of dollars*?

So enough with your man-buns, your single-origin coffee beans, your retro-vinyl retro whatevers, your segmented bodies and multitude of legs*, time to man-up and gird-your-loins and seize the day Millenials!

Yours,

Timothy the Talking Cat

*[Timothy’s exact age is unknown but given the average longevity of a cat he must have been born this century and hence is technically younger than the average millennial -CF]
*[Timothy does not actually own a house -CF]
*[Please don’t actually borrow my stuff -CF]
*[I really don’t know -CF]
*[It is five points -CF]
*[Courtesy of InfoWars University – Class of March 2015, thesis “Chemtrails are the real reason why the Illuminati are tainting our vaccines with fake global warming data – maybe it is Aliens, I don’t know” T.t.T. Cat]
*[Timothy is correct – it wasn’t a random guy it was his dad -CF]
*[He is thinking of millipedes – CF]
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7 comments

  1. KasaObake

    Those ridiculous man-buns are a crime against humanity but you will have to pry my single origin coffee from my cold dead hands

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    • Cora

      I still wonder what the hell is so controversial or shocking bout eating avacados. Avocados are healthy and tasty and good for you. And if you plant their cores in a pot, you can grow lovely trees and save money on potted plants.

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      • JJ

        It isn’t that eating avocado is controversial or shocking.

        Avocados are expensive and considered a bit of a luxury, and avocado toast with the fancy coffee is the latest expensive trendy fad in pricey cafes. So when people sneer about “avocado toast and lattes”, what they are really sneering about are the people they perceive to be obsessed with appearing to be trendy and fashionable, and willing to waste large amounts of money doing it.

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      • Cora

        Avocados aren’t even all that expensive here and we’re further from where they’re grown than the US is. I guess that wall along the Mexican border is not working out so well for Trump.

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  2. KR

    I can’t believe we have to live in a world where Tromp is president and avocados are considered too luxurious for the 99%.

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  3. ligne

    i think much of the criticism/mockery comes the fact that avocados are still considered a “luxury” despite not being particularly expensive these days.

    (and this attitude seems to have become quite popular recently: a Conservative parliamentary candidate here in the UK recently caused a bit of a fuss after he mocked a prospective constituent as not being “properly working class” because he’d seen him go into a high-street coffee chain.)

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  4. Lurkertype

    Man buns are an abomination which need to end soon.

    Avocados are swell, though I don’t put ’em on toast. Guacamole is what they’re for.

    Like