MYCOPHAGE: Part 12 – The Final Phage!

Cliff “Edge” McEdifice in the Earth Shattering Finale of MYCOPHAGE the intoxicating new thriller from Timothy the Talking Cat, Straw Puppy and the ghost of Michael Crichton.

Part 12. This Is Way Too Many Parts Already. I think CAM has BEEN BACK FOR DAYS. Why are we still going with this?

I pulled Doctor Niceface through the research facility which had rapidly become a burning battlefield as the Boston mobster fought against the combined forces of the Swiss security guards and the CIA. I wanted to turn and fight but Doctor Niceface was my priority. We turned a corner and to my relief, I found a laundry shoot. Moments later we were deposited onto a mound of slightly soiled lab coats in a dark basement.

“This way,” said Doctor Niceface.

I followed after her as she led us to a small doorway. Through the door was a shallow ravine through which an alpine stream ran quickly.

“It is the water supply for our laundry,” explained the doctor.

Following the stream, we emerged into a clearing in a snowy pine forest.

“Safe at last,” I said.

“Not so fast,” said a voice dripping with cockney menace.

I turned. From the surrounding trees emerged armed Bostonian goons and at their head was  Clark “The Narc” Magiggings, ex-paratrooper, ex-East End gangster, ex-Limey bastard, ex-friend, and ex-fake android.

“If you reach for your gun the good Doctor Niceface will get a bullet through that nice face of hers.” Magiggings sneered.

I growled in frustration as the goons tied my hands together and then me and the doctor were bundled into a waiting helicopter.

Hours later we were on a small volcanic island just off the coast of Dorsetshire. Together we were dragged into a huge cathedral-like chasm. A metal bridge stretched over a small lake of bubbling lava and at the other end were two thrones. On one sat  Doctor Sagacity and on the other Louise J’Zeebel looking as fashionable gorgeous as always in a look that I now recognised was the mark of a femme-fatale bad guy whose main plot purpose was to side-line the hero in a sexy but emotionally confusing way and yet also carefully styled in the trends pioneered by Rei Kawakubo with a suit that both challenged and yet affirmed the gender of the woman wearing it.

“We meet again,” I said.

“That’s my line,” said Doctor Sagacity .

“Well, I wanted to say it first,” I said petulantly.

“Just explain the plot already,” said Louise in a bored tone picking at a speck of volcanic dust on her Comme des Garçons suit.

“You see what I want is power and respect but mainly power,” explained Doctor Sagacity. “People only respect scientists when they think we have a solution to their problems. So, the only way for us to truly take power is to give people a problem so huge that fear drives them into abandoning their freedom to us! However, all our scaremongering was never sufficient to truly win over the masses.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said “the CIA guy already explained all this.

“Well in that case,” said Louise, interrupting “that only leaves one last thing to explain. In thirty minutes, this small volcano will explode. The resulting blast will send a dust cloud hight into the stratosphere. That dust will eventually drift back down to Earth. The whole mountain has been laced with the spores of our new, more deadly-to-mushrooms MYCOPHAGE. The whole world will be infected.”

“So, what,” I replied defiantly “so we’ll need to cut back on mushroom omelettes or garlic champignons. We’ll survive.”

Doctor Niceface shook her heard. “No, it is far worse than that.”

“Indeed,” Louise added “The MYCOPHAGE kills not just mushrooms but also toadstools and, oh yes, did I forget to mention YEASTS? It’s not just no mushrooms but also no bread, no wine and NO BEER!”

“NOOOOO!!!!!!!” I cried in emotional agony.

“YESSSSS,” laughed Doctor Sagacity “And we couldn’t have done it without you McEdifice. You see, to tailor the genetics of the mycophage we needed the hyper-yeast-resistant sweat of one specific bloodline. The bloodline of the toughest men in history. YOUR BLOODLINE!”

“NOOOOO!!!!!!!” I cried in more emotional agony.

““YESSSSS,” laughed Doctor Sagacity “YOU McEdifice were the MYCOPHAGE ALL ALONG!”

“NOOOOO!!!!!!!” I cried in additionally more emotional agony.

“Oh, that explains the promotional tagline,” said Dr Niceface. “I thought that was just a typo.”

“But do not despair,” continued Doctor Sagacity. “because you won’t be alive to see it. When the volcano erupts you will be trapped here in the lava chamber where you will be burnt, boiled and exploded to pieces.”

Just then a strange noise emitted from the air in front of me. As if from nowhere a vague man-like shape appeared that strangely resembled a photocopier. The being handed me a note. It read:

“I am ScanScan the photocopy man. I come from the far future to help out all the ancestors of my good fried Chiselled McEdifice. Here, let me release your bonds and hand you this AK-47.”

ScanScan was as good as his word.

Battle ensued; I punch Doctor Sagacity so hard that he fell into the lava. Louise tried to stab Doctor Niceface but lunged too quickly and also fell into the lava. Doctor Niceface then ran to the volcano control panel to turn off the eruption.

“Oh no!” cried Doctor Niceface. “The controls are locked by an interface that is controlled by an Artificial Intelligence that simulates Louise J’Zeebel!”

“That’s right,” said the interface in exactly the same accent as Louise J’Zeebel but with a slight tinny sort of sound effect so you know it is a machine talking. “The only way to unlock this control panel is to make me so angry that I blow up my own logic circuits! Ha, ha, ha, ha beep ha boop.”

“Puns Doctor Niceface!” I shouted. “You must shout lots of stupid mushroom puns at the computer!”

“10!” said the algorithmic voice of J’Zeebel 95, starting a countdown of vulcanic death.

“Um,” stumbled Doctor Niceface, “I’m glad Sgacity is dead because he wasn’t much of a fun guy!”

“Arrrrghghh…9!”

“Still dying was the yeast he could do!”

“Arrrrrrggggghhrhrh…8!”

“They really broke the mold when he died!”

“Arrrrrrgggggggggghhrhrh…7!”

“I’d better think of more puns as we don’t have any time to spore!”

“Ardgdgghdhdjdjdkdkdkkehgggg…6!”

Niceface started singing in desperation: “We are the champignons, my friend!”

“Ardgdgghdhdjdtreddjdkdkdkkehgggg…5!”

“And, we’ll keep on shiitake till the end,” sang Niceface.

“Aiiiieeeeeee that, that doesn’t even make sense! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….4!”

“We are the champignons, we are the champignons, no time for puffballs ’cause we are champignons…of the worlddddddd!!!!!” hollered Niceface striking a Freddy Mercury pose as she hit the final note.

“DOES NOT COMPUTE!” and with that the console exploded and the volcano ceased rumbling.

“I guess you didn’t leave mushroom for error there,” I said.

“That’s the morel of this story,” replied Niceface.

Just then the CIA arrived.

“Well, it looks like you left us nothing to do!” said Agent Shellburg.

“But how did you know where to find us?” I asked. A purple cat walked out of the shadows.

“I told them,” said Timothy the Talking Cat who once again had saved the day.

“You are the best cat in the whole world,” I said. Doctor Niceface agreed and gave Timothy a big kiss on top of his head.

“Aw shucks,” said Timothy.

“Paper jam in tray 2” said ScanScan.

“Blurp” said the lava pool.

The End