Wow! The hugely expensive Amazon show may have only just started but I have an amazing exclusive for you all: the very last scene of the very last episode of the very last season of the show! How did I get this? Well, let me explain. Jeff Bezos is so desperate for viewers that he is hacking into Amazon devices and begging people to watch the show. As I nodded off to sleep last night, my kindle slipped out of my hands and smashed me in the face (as happens most nights). I was startled by this sudden violence from the otherwise lightweight device but I was even more startled when it emitted a tinny voice. It was Bezos himself! He demanded to know what it would take for me to watch the show. Naturally, he refused my first choice (a bazillion pounds) and my second choice (remove all my personal data) and my third choice (kick off all the Nazis from your platforms) but he agreed to my fourth choice: tell me how the show ends.
So here it is:
Scene: majestic Rivendell, looking nearly but not quite the same as Rivendell in the Hobbit movies. Galadriel and Elrond are standing in glowing robes under a translucent arch. Below them on the semi-circular steps are representatives of all the races of Middle-Earth except the bad ones.
Elrond: Step forward noble halflings!
Halflings: Good morrow! It is us, the halflings!
Elrond: Henceforth you will be known as HOBBITS and will dwell in the lands east of Rivendell but west of the Blue Mountains.
Halflings: We thank thee and we shall call our new home “The Shire”.
Galadriel: You thought bravely against Sauron but to ensure your safety, thou must now all go into Witness Protection. All records of your deeds will be expunged! The name of your race will be forgotten! Yes, it will be like you just didn’t exist at all in Middle Earth history until many years hence! Even I won’t be sure who you are!
Elrond: Step forward noble pirates!
Elrond: Middle Earth thanks you for your service but you too must be removed from the history of Middle Earth. Verily to the extent that you become merely a side mention in the final book of Lord of the Rings.
Pirates: [disappointed] arrrrrr
Galadriel: Step forward noble steampunk gondoliers!
Galadriel: Your steam-powered boats and chirpy Italian ways, truly enlivened our ratings in the ratings slump, in season 3. Truly you saved the Rings of Power, niegh, even Amazon itself, from financial ruin.
Gondoliers: Non si preoccupi.
Elrond: Yet, you also must be struck from the historical annals lest ye be considered canon and we get sued by the Tolkein estate for taking gross liberties.
Gondoliers: [swear profusely in Italian]
Elrond: Step forward the rootin’ tootin’ cowboys of Rhur!
Cowboys: Yee ha!
Galadriel: Dear cowboys. Your six guns helped ward off the great wyrms of Dol Deadwood and your quaint American ways helped explain the presence of both potatoes and tobacco in Middle Earth.
Cowboys: Darn tootin.
Elrond: yet you also must be forgotten because frankly, you raise more questions than you answered.
Galadriel: Last but not least, ride forward the noble bicycling policemen of Eriador!
Policemen: ‘ello, ‘ello, ‘ello whats all this then?
Galadriel: Your brave actions against Sauron can never be forgotten and despite your obvious anachronistic presence you will be immortalised by an odd reference to your cycling distances in the Hobbit.
Policemen: Just doing our job ma’m.
Elrond: And that’s the end of show. So it’s goodnight from me.
Galadriel: And it’s goodnight from him!