Good evening everybody, it is I, your favourite feline provocateur, raconteur and secateur aka Timothy the Talking Cat. In every community there must be somebody who is brave enough, far-sighted enough and clever enough to speak to mindless herds and lay down the cold, hard truth about their clumsy sheep-like opinions. This is not a role I take on lightly. It is a mantle that I would refuse like Caesar refusing the crown offered to him by March Antony and like Caesar I must endure the inevitable stabs as the so-called “elites” seek to silence me.
So let me lay this down straight without any preamble, without any delay or distraction. Let’s not beat around the bush or procrastinate before hitting you with the two big blows from the cricket bat of reality. Let’s get to the meat and potatoes and skip over the entrée or the communal plate of slightly disappointing garlic bread. Let us, as they say in Hollywood, ‘cut to the chase’.
Your beloved Discworld books are not very good and are actually quite terrible and the fact that you like them says bad things about you.
There, I said it.
Oh, yes I can see all of you eager to take on the role of Brutus. I can see your envious lean and hungry looks as you adopt the stance of Cassius. I know that you would cancel me on the steps of senate. Oh I see your knives sharpened already! Let me anticipate your traitorous blows:
- “You haven’t read any of the Discworld books” – of course I haven’t! I do not read terrible books!
- “You haven’t explained why you think the Discworld books are terrible” – of course I haven’t! I’m not going to waste my time explaining why I think the Discworld books are terrible when it should be obvious to anybody.
- “That’s not even an argument!” – oh and I’m supposed to accept your opinion of what is and isn’t an argument even though you are one of those losers who likes the Discworld books.
- “Why do you hate Terry Prachett?” – I do not hate Terry Prachett. I love him and I love his books.
- “Wait, do you even know who Terry Prachett is?” – of course I do! Why do you keep bringing up Terry Prachett?
- “You really have no idea what you are talking about, do you?” – of course I do! I am one of the greatest scholars of science fiction currently alive who is also a purple cat.
- “OK then name one book by Terry Prachett.” – Terry Prachett’s Great Big Book of Fun.
- “That’s not a real book. You just made that up!” – well that just shows how little you know of Terry Prachett’s bibliography.
- “Terry Prachett is the guy who WROTE the Discworld books you f–ing annoying overstuffed cat cushion!” – says the guy who had never even heard of Terry Prachett’s Great Big Book of Fun.
- “I give up. You are just wasting my time.” – Can you do a few more. I was hoping for 23 questions because Caesar was stabbed 23 times.
- “What is with all these Caesar references anyway? You were supposed to be talking about Discworld!” – I was going to make a Caesar salad and so I went to You Tube to do some research and I think I know what to do now but I’m not sure how to cross the Rubicon with a lettuce.
- “Friends, Romaines, Croutons! Lend me your cheese!” – now you are just being silly. If you can’t take the attempted murder of one of history’s great generals seriously then I’m not surprised that you are so in love with those terrible Discworld books. Also, I don’t need those walnuts I asked you to buy. They are for a Waldorf salad not a Caesar salad.
As Caesar said as he revealed the stab-proof vest he had hidden under his toga and then pulled out his Thompson sub-machine gun from out of his tunic: “quod erat demonstrandum mother-f-ckers”.