Worldcon 2036: Timothy Saves The Day

[Scene: Dresden Airport – time, the near future!]

[Enter two men, one large one small known as [Readacted] and [Redacted]]

[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] At last we are here!
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] I’m still not sure this is a good idea.
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] Have some faith! We are so back! All our efforts have paid off.
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] I’m worried people are still, you know, enraged to the point of an everlasting fury that will never be diminished.
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] It’s been years, people have forgiven, forgotten or moved on to some other fannish grudge. I tell you, we are BACK. Here we are ready to be ambassadors for good old American fandom to a new Worldcon here in Holland.
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] Germany.
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] Really? [takes off comically wooden clogs and throws his bicycle away] I good have sworn. Did we get the rest of the costume right?
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] I think so but my knees are cold.

[Enter Albrecht a young German man and international liaison for Worldcon 2036]

[Albrecht – in perfect English] Good morning Gentlemen and apologies for my lateness. I’m here to show you to your hotel and then introduce you to the rest of the local Worldcon team.
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] Before we meet them, can I ask…do any of them…you know…hate us with an everlasting fury that will never be diminished?
[Albrecht] Of course not! You must understand that we as a nation know how to look back at terrible things that have happened in the past and without forgetting them still find a way forward.
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] Well you don’t need to worry about our understanding of your wonderful city of Frankfurt. We are 100% ready to blend seamlessly into the local culture. [gestures at his clothing]
[Albrecht – a little embarrassed] ah yes, lederhosen, very amusing. But that is more of a tradition in Bavaria then here. Also, this is Dresden, not Frankfurt.
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] Wait, where in Germany are we exactly? I want to nail down our cultural integration 100%.
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] Oh yes…we made some…um…mistakes, last time.
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] Don’t you worry! We learned our lesson and we have rebuilt our reputation from the ground up! But, just to be on the safe side…where are we exactly?
[Albrecht] Well this region is Saxony.
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎ and D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y: blank looks]
[Albrecht] It is in the Eastern part of Germany.
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] As in East Germany?
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] Did you say EASSSTTT Germany?
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] Now D◼︎◼︎e stay calm.
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] As in the German Democratic Republic…THAT East Germany.
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] D◼︎◼︎e, D◼︎◼︎e stay calm.
[Albrecht] Well that was a long time ago and much has happened in between times. Still, we try not to ignore the bad parts of our history. It is by confronting the past that a nation learns how to move forward.
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] [ignoring Albrecht and yet still somehow speaking at him] Like the STASI and the Berlin Wall and all that jazz?
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] Oh no, it’s happening again. Snap out of it D◼︎◼︎e.
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] [a strange expression over his face] Oh, terrible times, a terrible place but well rules are rules and laws are laws and we need to fit in.
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] D◼︎◼︎e, no! Remember what happened last time! We went too far!
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] Did we, B◼︎◼︎, did we? Or did we NOT GO FAR ENOUGH? B◼︎◼︎ last time we were TOO American, too caught up with ideas of freedom, burgers, and dyeing rivers green on Saint Patrick’s Day. We just did not try HARD enough to integrate with the local customs and local laws.
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] I just think we should step back and reflect…
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] No, no – we have to fit IN. We have to adopt the ways of these wonderful proud efficient manly and humourless people. We must eat nothing but sausage and drink only beer.
[Albrecht] Please, these are quite unfortunate stereotypes. My husband is a stand-up comedian who won a prize at the Edinburgh Fringe. I myself am notoriously inefficient — I was 1.3 minutes late to our meeting!
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] Shhhhh – don’t worry, I understand. [looks shiftly around] You are being watched 24/7 and have to put on a front. Don’t worry, I will do my utmost to protect you as events unfold.
[Albrecht] Please, I would rather events did not unfold right now.
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y – dumps contents of a bag of Hugo award bases onto the ground then with surprising dexterity assembles them into a laser-guided double-barrelled automatic shotgun] LET’S HUNT SOME DISSIDENTS! [Uneccesarily pumps the shotgun]
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎ – silent mouths] I’m so sorry [is dragged away by [D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y]]

[Scene – an autobahn. D◼︎◼︎e and B◼︎◼︎ are in a stolen van]
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] You are on the wrong side of the road!!!
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] Fool! Have you forgotten Glasgow? This is Europe. They drive on the left here, the dirty commies. WE HAVE TO FIT IN!
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] But everybody else is driving on the right!!!
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] Stupid ugly American tourists! They don’t know how to fit in like me.

[Scene – later, Berlin near the Brandenburg Gate]
[Paul Weimer taking a picture amid the golden light of late evening] Wow, Berlin is great for photos and to think that I am once again a finalist for the Hugo Award for Guy Who Went to Nepal but Dave McCarty Got That Confused with Tibet. Just being nominated is an honour.
[A shotgun blast nearly clips Paul]
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] Stay where you are you bourgeois miscreant!
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] It’s OK, he doesn’t mean it, we are just trying to fit in.
[Paul] Oh no, not again.
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] No way are we letting you escape to the West just so you can smuggle Levi jeans and Beatles records back east in a bid to subvert communism with your decadent ways!
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] It’s OK, we have to do this, its the law.
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] It’s the Gulag for you!
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] Honestly, check the WSFS constitution we simply don’t have a choice [puts a hessian bag over Paul’s head and bundles him into the van.]

[Scene – later, a barn somewhere in the outskirts of Berlin]
[☺︎♘☾17 – finalist for the Hugo Award for Best Holonovel over 17 terabytes] I do not like this one bit. Who are these crazy old dudes?
[Paul] It’s my old nemesis D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y. He’s had a relapse into hyper-proactive-authoritarian-collaboration syndrome again.
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] I’m so sorry.
[Paul] You could stop him you know.
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] I’ve got to follow the rules.
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] Everybody here gets a rocket – aimed right at their lousy capitalist faces!!!
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] He doesn’t even like communism you know.

[Suddenly the door flies open. A purple cat appears]
[Timothy the Talking Cat] It is me, Timothy, here to save the day!
[Paul] Wow, it is Timothy the Talking Cat!
[☺︎♘☾17] Who’s that?
[Paul] He used to be in a blog in the 2020’s
[☺︎♘☾17] What’s a blog?
[Paul] Um…it is like TikTok but with writing.
[☺︎♘☾17] What’s TikTok?
[A-OK-YUM! – finalist for Best Ai Chat Bot That Leaves Automated Book Reviews on Goodreads] Beep Boop
[D◼︎◼︎e M◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎y] Silence you ungrateful ingrates!
[Timothy disarms him with one mighty bound]
[Hugo finalists, All] We are Saved!
[Timothy] I didn’t come to save you idiots, I came to save the sketch!
[Paul] What?
[Timothy] It started with promise but Cam couldn’t even make any decent jokes about Germans. What has British comedy come to if we can’t even mock Germans? And by this point he clearly had run out of material.
[Camestros Felapton] Not true, I had a whole bunch of Kurt Vonnegut references to work in.
[Timothy] Nobody wants to hear your Vonnegut references.
[Camestros Felapton] So it goes.
[Timothy] RIGHT! LET’S ALL GO EAT SAUSAGES AND DRINK BEER!
[Hugo Finalists] Yay!
[Camestros Fealpton] And what have we all learned?
[B◼︎◼︎ Y◼︎◼︎◼︎◼︎] um…nothing?

[END]