You are colourful and look great in stripes. Some may find you a tad vain but of course you want to keep an eye on that giant red spot. You have more moons than you know what to do with because you are just so attractive. You are a massive part of this whole system and space craft love to check in on you. You know where the hydrogen is at.
You’re so chill you probably think this fridge is about you. Nothing phases you, you’ve got everything in balance. You suit autumn colours and conspiracy theories. Robots find you attractive and keep landing on you. You can be a bit inscrutable and people like to imagine that there all sorts of exciting things going on with you from canals to tripods…but in truth you are just chilling out.
Neptune we love you,
Neptune we do,
Though you live so far away,
We still think of you
It’s OK to be out there with one eye on the edge and one foot in the Gas Giant Gang. You sometimes cross Pluto’s orbit and that’s cool. People sometimes mistake you for Uranus and that’s cool to. We know you are there, we can feel your pull and we can see you by how you help others make their own way around the sun. For a long time people didn’t even acknowledge your presence but you are a really great discovery.
You are a collision course personified. In movies spacecraft whizz and swoop around you. You use your natural gravity to manage a whole gang of oddly shaped friends, some of which are dripping in gold and some of which are just really, really odd rocks. One of your old acquaintances MAY have killed the dinosaurs but people know you did what you could to stop that happening. Your favourite TV show is The Expanse and your favourite retro video game is Pac Man.
You guys are way out there. You have a vast circle of friends — I mean really vast. Yet you don’t see each other very often but that’s fine. You know all your Kuiper Belt Best Buddies are with you in spirit as you hang out on the dark edges of everything. From where you stand you can see every object and everybody, they are just very far away from you and that’s all OK. Nobody does friendship better than you because you know how to be a good friend at a great distance. Also, comets.
You are HOT STUFF! You are famous for your acid wit and steamy attitude. Sure, you can be a bit glum sometimes because you think you have an inhospitable atmosphere but that’s because of all the pressure you are under. Heck, for a basic rocky planet you are under a LOT of pressure…but you know what? If anybody can handle a run away greenhouse effect it’s you. People look up to you and think you are such a bright star — that sometimes makes you feel like you are a phoney but the truth is everybody is happy to see your light whether it is in the evening or the morning. Whenever day turns to night or night to day, you are there showing the way.
1. Pick a whole number from 1 to 11
2. Wait for a blog post over the next few days with that number
3. Discover secret aspects of your personality!
4. Change the number you picked because that last one didn’t suit you.
5. You might be a planet, or a planetoid or a stellar object!
6. Complain about the factual errors!
It will be ASTRONOMICAL fun!
For the next eleven days the blog is on a kind of mini-hiatus while Timothy and I transcend into the memetic concept space or something equally meaningless. We have plans and projects to complete! Big plans! One plan is entitled “Ill-advised Blog Project” and you’ll be as vaguely disappointed by it as I am excited about it.
In the meantime I will continue my tradition of somehow posting more frequently when I’m on a hiatus than when I’m not. Truth is, if I wasn’t actively managing this blog, posts would increase exponentially.
The hiatus series that starts tomorrow is an exciting personality game for all the family. It started as some drawings on my art blog (you’ll recognise a couple) and then I did more with this series in mind.
The basic rule for the game is this: Pick an integer from 1 to 11. You should do that now. Once you pick a number YOU CANNOT CHANGE IT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES unless you want to — in which case it is fine to pick a new one.
Once you have picked one, you will need to wait until the blog reveals over the week which major object(s) of the solar system you are! Will you be Mercury? Will you be Uranus? Are you sniggering at ‘Uranus’? Then yes, you probably are Uranus. It will be fun or something a bit like fun.
Chapter 10: Where next?
My return had been eagerly foretold by many portents and harbingers of good fortune. Those scoundrel police officers had had their hessian bag confiscated and could no longer grab innocent cats off the streets for merely setting fire to things and-slash-or burning down buildings. I forgave my many enemies and declared a week long festival in my honour.
My servant prepared the house and before you could say “The Cat of Monte Cristo” I was living in a manner to which a cat of my nobility should become accustomed too.
Not long after Straw Puppy and I finally got our publishing business together, as we had always dreamed. Soon we were joined by robotic vacuum cleaner and an oversized lizard.
I had been to hell and back metaphorically and Straw Puppy had done the same but literally. The world was my oyster and fate was my litter tray.
I look back now on those amazing times: the fun, the drugs, the wild parties, the customised faberge Kindles and I laugh at my devil-may-care attitude. I have grown both wiser and marginally taller and in doing so I have become deeper and more attractive. I have seen the world at its worst and at its very best.
What will the future bring? Hover pants. That’s my guess anyway. Don’t ask me how they’ll work but they are on their way!
A reader asks
“I’m a history teacher and I keep getting weirdly off-topic essays from my students. The last assignment was about the impact of the reformation on Tudor England and instead of an analysis of how the Church of England attempted to retain both protestant and Catholic aspects, I got an essay about a dog called Sukie instead. What is wrong with young people these days?” Clio Mancy
More and more people these days wander off topic. It is something I have noticed and I sympathise with your predicament.
A reader asks
“Thanks for your earlier reply but are Marsha Supial, Key Eops and Clio Mancy actually all the same person? If so how did they get out of the death maze and what happened on that balloon trip?” Zoch Pupette
Hi Zoch. I’ve reached out to all three of them and they replied:
“we are definitely three different people and obviously we escaped from the death maze using the hot air balloon.”
I guess that clears that up!
Thanks for everybody’s questions! I’ll be around to answer a few more before I have to head back to the far future and see my friends in fungus town! Toodle-pip!