My return had been eagerly foretold by many portents and harbingers of good fortune. Those scoundrel police officers had had their hessian bag confiscated and could no longer grab innocent cats off the streets for merely setting fire to things and-slash-or burning down buildings. I forgave my many enemies and declared a week long festival in my honour.
My servant prepared the house and before you could say “The Cat of Monte Cristo” I was living in a manner to which a cat of my nobility should become accustomed too.
Not long after Straw Puppy and I finally got our publishing business together, as we had always dreamed. Soon we were joined by robotic vacuum cleaner and an oversized lizard.
I had been to hell and back metaphorically and Straw Puppy had done the same but literally. The world was my oyster and fate was my litter tray.
I look back now on those amazing times: the fun, the drugs, the wild parties, the customised faberge Kindles and I laugh at my devil-may-care attitude. I have grown both wiser and marginally taller and in doing so I have become deeper and more attractive. I have seen the world at its worst and at its very best.
What will the future bring? Hover pants. That’s my guess anyway. Don’t ask me how they’ll work but they are on their way!
A reader asks “I’m a history teacher and I keep getting weirdly off-topic essays from my students. The last assignment was about the impact of the reformation on Tudor England and instead of an analysis of how the Church of England attempted to retain both protestant and Catholic aspects, I got an essay about a dog called Sukie instead. What is wrong with young people these days?” Clio Mancy
More and more people these days wander off topic. It is something I have noticed and I sympathise with your predicament.
A reader asks “Thanks for your earlier reply but are Marsha Supial, Key Eops and Clio Mancy actually all the same person? If so how did they get out of the death maze and what happened on that balloon trip?” Zoch Pupette
Hi Zoch. I’ve reached out to all three of them and they replied: “we are definitely three different people and obviously we escaped from the death maze using the hot air balloon.” I guess that clears that up!
Thanks for everybody’s questions! I’ll be around to answer a few more before I have to head back to the far future and see my friends in fungus town! Toodle-pip!
I woke up inside the tiny cinema aboard the ship. Let me tell you: don’t watch a James Cameron film after binging on catnip. Avatar had been WAYYYY too much for me.
“I have had another epiphany!” I said to Straw Puppy. “If I my last chapter has gone way to far and I don’t know how to start the next one, I can just say it was all a dream!” “Brilliant!” said Straw Puppy. “Also we can invade people’s dreams and drive them mad with haunting visions of their death!”
With these new found insights we landed in sunny old England. There on the docks sat a sad lonely and dishelved figure. “What ails you good sir?” I asked the derelict fellow who somehow managed to look both gaunt and overweight at the same time. “I am down on my luck, I is.” he said, struggling to put words together in a sentence because he was none too bright and also drunk. He also smelt bad and may have pooed his pants at some point. “What is your name?” I asked as gently as I could for fear that I might startle this shrivelled excuse for a human being into the pit of madness that he clearly sat upon the edge of. “Why sir, I have plum forgot my name,” he replied pitifully. “Then I shall name you ‘Camestros Felapton’ after my servant’s dog from when I was growing up as a member of the landed gentry.” I declared in a gesture of such amazing humanity that everyone on the docks was astonished by my generosity. “Gawd bless you sir! And for giving me a name I shall pledge my service to you forever!” said the unkempt fellow who now had a gleam of sanity in his eye. “Then rise up and grab my bags!” I said, knowing that what this man needed was firm commands and a sense of purpose. “And where is it we be going?” he inquired. “Why to my ancestral home. Felapton Towers near the pleasant town of Bortsworth.”
Yes, I had returned and it was time for me to reclaim my rightful place on the throne of Bortsworth!
A reader asks “Hi, I’m an emu and I recently joined a dog cult after a disastrous end to my last significant romantic relationship due to an embarrassing panic attack I had on a hot air balloon. I’m hoping that being part of a cult based on worshiping the one true heavenly being that is Sukie the Holy Dog will put me on a better path but also I’m an emu and I sometimes just do bonkers stuff for no reason. I’ve forgotten what my question was.” E. Mu
Dear E Emus are dinosaurs. You might not realise it but you are the living heirs to a mighty lineage. You shouldn’t be worshiping any kind of mammal not even Sukie (who I know is a very good dog and well deserving of pats on the head but not worship). You need to put the past behind you and move on to better things.
A reader asks “Are the people writing in genuine people or are they made up?” Zoch Pupette
Dear Zoch, I very much believe that my correspondents are genuine but in some ways aren’t we all “Made up”? I think so. Each and every one of us is an invention of one kind or another.
A reader asks “My best friend is getting married in a civil ceremony on Sunday. My partner is very religious and thinks that it is wrong to get married on a Sunday. She has asked my best friend to get married on a Thursday instead but I don’t want him to get married on a Thursday because I always feel weird on a Thursday. I should add that when I say my partner is very religious I mean that she worships our dog Sukie – literally, she has painted a picture of the dog and has built a little shrine. My best friend also worships our dog Sukie and to be honest I suspect my dog is running a cult and that I’m an unwitting member. Should I change the dog’s diet from wet food to dry food?” Mike Ullt.
It does sound like you’ve become entangled in a set of mammals with quiet complex belief systems. This reminds me of a friend of mine who was an iguanodon. She was always very positive and would give everybody a big “thumbs up” sign where ever she went. It was only much later that we realised that iguanodons permanently have their thumbs sticking upwards and actually she hated everybody and thought we were a bunch of losers. In fact she’d been ostracised from iguanodon society for being so negative about everybody. We should have guessed because iguanodons don’t normally socialise with triceratops herds.
People are strange and complex and have weird things like ‘fingers’. Maybe broaden your circle of friends a bit more but closely monitor whether your dog is trying to convert them. I also recommend dry food for pet mammal carnivores. It keeps longer and provides vital roughage.