Press Release from the President of C.T.Corp

Yesterday, my beautiful home1 was besiged2 by armed goons of the FBI3. This unprecedented4 and unwarranted invasion of the sanctity of my home was both brutal in its execution5 and a violation of the constitutional rights of all Americans6.

Without a doubt, this gross perversion of the apparatus of the state was part of the campaign of intimidation waged against me by the Democrat Party7. As the President, CEO, COO and COF8 of the multinational publishing/media giant Cat-Timothy Corp, my incisive views on publishing have been intentionally suppressed as a means of distorting the ongoing debate about the merger of Penguin-Randos and those other guys they are trying to buy9.

Several personal items of mine10 were seized11 without proper authority. Any supposedly “classified” documents12 had been declassified using my personal authority13.

Make no mistake, if my precious mementoes14 and personal possessions15 can be ransacked by agents of the Deep State, then nobody is safe.


Notes
  1. The broom cupboard in the laundry
  2. Cleaned
  3. “Felapton is a Big Idiot”
  4. We clean it every month
  5. Timothy clawed my arm
  6. Not American
  7. No, it really wasn’t.
  8. Cat Operating a Flamethrower
  9. I wouldn’t let him send a letter to Hilary Clinton that was just that “they should have called it Random Penguin” joke from several years ago.
  10. Items from our neighbours’ gardens
  11. Returned to their owners
  12. The credit card details of the local vet, the Netflix password of the guy who lives over the Newsagent and the private addresses of the original cast of “Grange Hill”
  13. Bought off the dark web using a mix of Bitcoin and counterfeit Iraqi Dinar
  14. a desiccated frog corpse
  15. I’m not sure what it was — an old fish head stuck to a furball?

7 responses to “Press Release from the President of C.T.Corp”

  1. Shouldn’t the last of his titles be “PB&J”?

    My childhood cat left his desiccated frogs all over the house; therefore he was obviously more dominant than Tim.

    Like

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