“It seems to me,” said Timothy the Talking Cat from his perch “that of late there has been a deficit, a gap, a subtraction of two quantities whose result would have been indicated in more civilised times with scarlet ink.”
“Please get down,” said Camestros.
“I shall not and I shall explain why,” replied the cat waving a small remote control in his paw, “there are certain responsibilities that come with your position, responsibilities of an inalienable nature. You understand what the word ‘inalienable’ means, do you not?”
“You are very high up and that metallic surface is slippery,” warned the human, several metres below the feline.
“That is not what the word means. ‘Inalienable’ means that you cannot pass on your rights and obligations to aliens or indeed robots or possibly vampires, kaiju or werewolves or any one of a litany of other creatures who are not you. THAT is what the word means. It is in our very constitution!” explained the cat in an exasperated tone.
“You mean the Deceleration of Independence, and I think they said ‘unalienable’ and…grrr…dammit…you got me sidetracked into a fact-checking spiral!” growled Camestros “Just get down from that…thing.”
“It’s not a ‘thing’ it is a Kh-55 cruise missile with a thermonuclear warhead,” said Timothy precisely.
“How did you even get hold of one of those! Never mind that, how did you even get it inside the kitchen, it’s bigger than the door! And why is it propped up vertically! Arrggghh! Too many questions!” Camestros pinched his nose, “Look just come down and we’ll talk and, you know, avoid a nuclear conflagration in the kitchen — which I should you remind you is where DINNER comes from.”
“FIRST you must comply with my demands!” howled the cat from his perch on top of the nose cone of the Russian missile.
“OK, OK, I’ll comply. LOOK! See here I am right now, typing out a blog post that is just about YOU and nothing else!” whined the human as he busily typed with one finger on his Huawei-special-offer-from-Tescos smartphone.
“It had better have me handling some cool and destructive weapons!” shouted the cat.
“It does, it does!” said the human, “now get down from there!”
“And promise you won’t ignore me again!” said the cat as it hopped down onto the human’s shoulder.
“Never, little cat.” said Camestros.