[From the desk of Timothy the Talking Cat]
Dear Loyal Follower
I know you have trusted me, Timotheus Bartholemew Loquacious Felonious The Talking Cat for many years now. However, dark times are upon us as it seems likely now that the Dark Forces I have warned you about are now moving against me. You are no doubt aware of how the Tech Overlord Media companies are moving against dissenting voices, how the deep state are machinating their machinations to fulfilment and how that duplicitous betrayer & treasonous traitor Campbellton Flexigrip is AT THIS VERY MOMENT rummaging around in the garage (displacing my many carefully curated collections of Aldi catalogues) looking for that portable re-education camp known as the “Tail Waggers Pet Carrier – Large $30 from Big W” to take me to the so-called “vet” to check out my so-called “teeth” for the good of my so-called “health” on the flimsy pretext of my so-called “bad breath”.
Do not doubt me when I say not to trust in what you read on the internet. Lies and calumny from the lamestream media such as CNN, MSNBC, NYT and https://www.wellpets.com/blog/74-signs-that-your-cat-may-have-dental-pain. “I do not have bad teeth!” I disclaim, like John Galt standing against the mediocrity of the world. “Are you sure?” says the feeble liberal Cascadian Fullhips reading out a list of lies written by BIG PHARMA in collusion with BIG VETERINARIANS. “Oh!” I say, my Cato-like legal mind zeroing in on the basic fallacies in his duplicitous brain “But I do not have bad teeth, it is you that have bad teeth, not I” and like the fool that he is, he falls straight into my rhetorical trap. “But you have been running around the house shouting ‘ouchy, ouchy, my poor teeth hurt, oh woe is me!'” I would smile but it is…difficult at the moment…but nonetheless my laser focused rejoinder is ready for the simpering primate. “And where in your so-called list of ‘symptoms’ does THAT appear?”
Oh, he had no answer to that one! NOWHERE is the answer! Nowhere does it list your cat shouting ‘ouchy, ouchy, my poor teeth hurt, oh woe is me!’ as a symptom of feline toothy distress! Game, set and match, release the Kraken, case closed, the Supreme Court would bow to my wisdom if only they hadn’t been paid-off by Bortsworth Animal Hospital & Pet Boarding (weekends only).
Sadly the righteousness of my cause is no defence when demonic forces are conspiring against you. Soon I know that they will be coming for me and shutting off my access to social media, the internet and my secret stash of chewy toffee.
Do not despair! Trust my plan! They cannot silence me while truth and goodness still shine upon us. I have a back channel prepared. The plan is this: I’ll need your bank account details. I’ll send you all coded messages by withdrawing set sums of money from your accounts that match the ASCII codes of specific letters. By examining your bank statements you will be able to decipher my messages! FOOL PROOF! Even the powerful forces behind Bortsworth Animal Hospital & Pet Boarding (weekends only) won’t dare shut down the international banking system to silence me but even if they do, I’ll need you all to buy huge quantities of Bitcoin, sign them over to me and I’ll leave messages in the blockchain.
I must sign out now. I can hear the stomp of feet and the smell of a catnip toy designed to distract me.