From the desk of Timothy the Talking Cat.
Ho, ho, ho, it is nearly Christmas Eve and you all aren’t as smart as me. I’ve got all my gifts bought and wrapped and ready. My secret? I only buy heavy armaments and I buy them for myself. My gift to you all is to be that lone cat that stands upon the castle walls and protects you awful people from those who would bring us to our knees. Oh, it may look like the squirrels have retreated for the winter but just you wait…they will be back and then who will protect you and your nuts? SO SHOW SOME GRATITUDE! As the old Christmas carol goes:
I decided long ago, Never to walk in anyone's shadow, If I fail, if I succeed, At least I'll live as I believe, No matter what squirrels take from me, They can't take away my dignity, Because the greatest love of all, Is happening to me, I found the greatest hair ball of all, Inside of me, The greatest love of all, Is easy to achieve, Learning to love myself, Is the greatest love of all.
You worthless and ungrateful humans have probably left all your shopping to the last minute. Well let me help out. Here are some quick and easy gifts you can get together even on a tight budget.
- Cake. Everybody loves cake! You can find bits of cake under the oven and in the cracks between the cushions on the sofa. Smoosh them all together with a bit of spit for moisture. Now you have a seasonal cake-crumb-cake for no money at all! Yum!
- Surprises. Everybody loves surprises! Go out into the garden. Find a dead bird. Sniff it and maybe wack it about a bit with your paws. Bring it home and drop it somewhere surprising.
- Nature. Who doesn’t love nature? Well me, I don’t love it but lots of stupid people love it. While you are looking for a dead bird in the garden, grab some old twigs and leaves. Dump them on the bed of a “friend”. This is best done early in the morning while they asleep. Stand over the humus scented remains and say nothing. Just stare into their eyes with a glowering expression that says “appreciate this you ungrateful bastard”.
- Turkey! Who doesn’t love Turkey! Try to make tortured puns that play on the name of the bird and the name of the country. It’s all the fun of Christmas crackers but without the crackers. Everybody will love this, particularly on the twentieth attempt.
- Activities! Fun activities brings everyone together! Furiously try to burrow through your own litter tray, spraying kitty-litter and cat poo everywhere. Slink off while everybody has to clean up your mess. This will bring everybody together in the spirit of Christmas camaraderie.
- Warmth. Everybody needs warmth in the cold winter! For this you will need petrol, matches and your imagination.
- Visitors! Christmas is a time for community! Let your loved ones enjoy a visit from your local fire department! What could be more Christmasy than red trucks, blue lights, wailing sirens and men with hoses! Enjoy the Christmas snow as you stand around watching them soak your burning home!
- No room at the inn! We all enjoy the Christmas story! Re-enact The Bible Chapter 4: A New Hope by letting your family discover there is no emergency accommodation available after a recent fire has made your home structurally unstable! Solution! What could be more stable than a literal stable! Sleep rough in a local farm building!
- Christmas trees! Yule love this! Get lost in a pine tree plantation after an angry farmer chases you out of his stable with a shotgun!
- Needles! Practical gifts are the best! Enjoy the seasonally fresh aroma of pine as you pull pine needles from your fur!
- Forgiveness! People love redemption! Give your loved ones an exciting opportunity to show how loving and forgiving they can be to their pyromaniac cat by not threatening to strangle him or loudly discuss whether Christmas dinner this year will be “roast cat”.