Join Timothy’s Cult, Please

[Scene: Felapton Towers – night time]

[Camestros Felapton – in bed snoring audibly]
[Timothy the Talking Cat] [WHACK!]
[Cam] OW! WHAT THE F…
[Tim] [WHACK!]
[Cam] STOP HITTING MY NOSE!
[Tim] Oh good, I was hoping you were still awake.
[Cam] I’M NOT STILL AWAKE!
[Tim] I’m glad you asked…
[Cam] I didn’t ask anything!
[Tim] So you know how this is the new Golden Age of Science Fiction?
[Cam] NO! It isn’t! It is [checks clock] TWO AM! Two AM is not the Golden Age of ANYTHING! And, and, you can’t HAVE a NEW Golden Age. The very metaphor OF a Golden Age is that is a lost time of greatness IN THE PAST. You can’t have another one without invalidating THE WHOLE IDEA of a “GOLDEN AGE”.
[Tim] So as the pre-eminent editor of science fiction in this new Golden Age, I was thinking: “What have I not yet achieved?”
[Cam] [groaning] Oh I see. You’ve woken me up to make some tortured reference to the Campbell Award and how they should rename all the awards after you. It’s late. I’m tired. Let’s just assume we’ve done all the banter and I give in and pretend all the awards are named after you.
[Tim] What? No. Don’t be ridiculous. Firstly I’m going to name all the awards after YOU and then I’m going to cancel you on Twitter and then you won’t exist anymore.
[Cam] That’s not how that works but if that’s your plan, good luck and goodnight and I’ll see you in the morning.
[Tim] But you haven’t heard my plan yet!

[Cam] Oh dear…let’s get this over with.
[Tim] Every great editor has to help start a science fiction cult. Right? But I’m going to cut out the middle man and start my OWN cult.
[Cam] So you’re Campbell AND Hubbard.
[Tim] Yes, except better than both obviously.
[Cam] And what’s your cult called?
[Tim] It’s not a cult.
[Cam] You literally just said it was a cult.
[Tim] Silly primate. The number one rule of any cult is that you always deny that you are a cult, that’s how you know it is a cult.
[Cam] Hold, I just need this jar [grabs a jar with “swear jar” written on it. Crosses out “swear” and writes “literally” on it, then adds a Brexit themed 50 pence piece to the jar] I can see I’m going to need this.
[Tim] So my cult is based on a whole new science of psychology, energy and personal development.
[Cam] But of course…
[Tim] Here, let me show you. [Timothy unfolds his colourful drawings over which he has clearly been labouring for some time.]

[Cam] That is literally just a DnD alignment chart with numbers in it.
[Tim] Jar!
[Cam] Oops! [adds 50 pence to jar]
[Tim] my wholly original chart assigns personalities to each number of my new science of arithmetology.
[Cam] It is literally causing me pain that the 5 isn’t in the middle [adds 50 p to jar] You’ve almost got a magic square…
[Tim] It’s not magic. It is SCIENCE. The new science of arithmetology.
[Cam] It’s amazing. Goodnight.
[Tim] So you can add any two numbers and discover how two ethical positions or personality types combine!
[Cam] No you can’t because, for example Lawful Evil + Chaotic Neutral equals 11 which isn’t on your chart. Can I got to sleep now?
[Tim] It is not 11 in arithmetology, silly!
[Cam] [sigh] of course it isn’t…
[Tim] You see, your primitive brain thinks of numbers in a line because you are a one dimensional thinker. As a higher being I can think in MULTIPLE dimensions of existence and arithmetology does the same. Let me show you:

[Cam] Hold on…that’s basically modulo 9 arithmetic. OK you should have zero instead of the 9 digit but it is basically modulo 9! That’s actually quite clever of you. I mean, not original but any level of abstract algebra is remarkable from a cat. I think this more impressive than that rabbit that supposedly can do calculus.
[Tim] I don’t hold with zero. Indeed, one of my objectives is to remove the upsetting and misconceived idea of zero from our culture where it has done untold damage to our civilisation…
[Cam] OK, OK, please let’s move on. How does this all work then.
[Tim] So I use my N-meter to identify your personality quotient.
[Cam] That’s a piece of cardboard and a crayon.
[Tim] Analysing [waves cardboard over Camestros’s head]…[makes beep, beep noise]…ah, looks like you are a 4.5
[Cam] You do decimals…but 4.5 sounds good right. Nearly Lawful Good.
[Tim] No, no. 4.5 is halfway between 4 and 5 and if you look on the chart that’s 3 Awful Neutral.
[Cam] It literally says ‘lawful’ and you are literally making this up as you go along [adds two more coins to the jar] just to insult me.
[Tim] It’s important that I make minion level recruits feel awful so that they can become better people. It’s all part of the conditioning. With patience you can rise up in the cult!
[Cam] oh no…there’s another diagram isn’t there.
[Tim] Behold The ziggurat!

[Cam] You know what? I’m convinced. This is a brilliant idea and I wish you every success.
[Tim] Really?
[Cam] Literally, no.
[Picks up howling cat by the scruff of its neck and deposits him outside the room.]
[Tim] I’VE COPYRIGHTED AND PATENTED EVERYTHING! NO STEALING MY IDEAS.
[Cam] [LOUD SNORING NOISES]


4 thoughts on “Join Timothy’s Cult, Please

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