It is true that there are many terrible opinions available currently. There are whole internet magazines, books and cable-news stations dedicated to terrible opinions. However, I’m struck by the sheer lack of variety in those opinions.
I feel like I could write better terrible opinions that were just as awful but at least more unusual. Opinions that you could read and think “that’s terrible but at least I hadn’t heard that before”. At the very least you wouldn’t be just rehearsing the same counter-arguments over and over again.
So I am dedicating this post to some terrible opinions that I have come up with. I should stress that I do not endorse any of these opinions, indeed to get on this list requires me to think that it is terrible.
- Dogs should be nationalised. All dogs should become the de-facto property of the national government [insert relevant level of government for your nation]. When people say to you “that’s stupid, the government shouldn’t own dogs”, point out that the police and army already own dogs and that owning a dog is good for you and so it will be good for the government. It also means there will no longer be any stray dogs as they will all be owned by the government. If somebody asks why the government should own all the dogs react as if they just said “I hate dogs”.
- Films with all male casts are actually feminist. Adopt a sincere but patronising tone and state that an all male cast defines a negative space that is wholly female and which dominates any film with only men in it. Refuse to watch a remake of the same film with an all women cast on the grounds that you find it too masculine.
- Traffic lights are tantamount to slavery. This terrible opinion is best delivered while you are driving and explained loudly to your passengers. Assert that traffic lights are stealing your labour and exerting control over your body. Refuse to accept that your claim is anyway an appalling trivialisation of the historical impact of actual slavery.
- The natural way for people to sleep is standing up. Explain that lying down to sleep is a modern invention and that we all evolved to sleep standing up. Claim all sorts of medical problems are caused by sleeping horizontally — start with semi-plausible ones like snoring, sleep apnoea etc and then move onto irritable bowel syndrome and eventually absurdly claim that brain cancer is caused by sleeping lying down. When asked, explain that you are still “unlearning” the “indoctrinated” way of sleeping but that soon you will have mastered vertical sleeping. Start calling it “natural sleep”. Cite random indigenous groups as practising vertical sleep and react angrily when people point out that you are wrong.
- Aircraft should have fewer seats but they should be packed more closely together and the spare room at the back is where you leave your luggage. Explain that “obviously” there would be a huge cost saving if you just carried your own luggage on board. Also, this way you can access your suitcase in the middle of the flight. Lost luggage would be a thing of the past and flights would be cheaper “because of all the savings”. Refuse to look at any diagrams of planes and look blankly when anybody says “luggage hold”.
- Police officers should be dressed as clowns. This is an advanced terrible opinion and you should practice on some easier terrible opinions before moving onto this one. Firstly claim that “clowns are scary” and that police dressing as clowns will “frighten criminals”. When told that scary clowns will also frighten non-criminals, look surprised and say “don’t be silly, everybody loves clowns!” At all times move seamlessly between these two contradictory positions that a. clowns are scary and b. clowns are amusingly lovable, as needed. At no time accept that you are contradicting yourself.
- Hot air balloons are the main cause of global warming. This is a more beginner grade terrible opinion. Clearly hot air balloons work by heating air. If anybody tries to explain why you are wrong, state that they are “denying the science”. Avoid discussing broader questions of climate or CO2 and concentrate on the mechanics of hot air balloons. Act like the person disagreeing with you knows nothing about hot air balloons. Learn (or invent) technical hot air balloon terms and quiz anyone arguing with you on their meaning. In the event of meeting somebody actually knowledgable about hot air balloons, claim they are “a shill for Big Balloon”.
- Drilling small holes in the walls of your house will save on heating/air-conditioning bills. You may need to tailor this terrible opinion seasonally or geographically. State that “warm air molecules” are larger than “cold air molecules”. [Winter version] The small holes in the walls in your house selectively let the cold air “escape” while retaining the warm air. [Summer version] The small holes in walls in your house selectively let cold air into your house, keeping the warm air outside.
- No there are not enough terrible opinions already. Despite the obvious state of discourse in the world, claim that there are not enough terrible opinions. Use your blog (or other social media) to promote some extra terrible opinions.