No there aren’t enough terrible opinions in the world already

It is true that there are many terrible opinions available currently. There are whole internet magazines, books and cable-news stations dedicated to terrible opinions. However, I’m struck by the sheer lack of variety in those opinions.

I feel like I could write better terrible opinions that were just as awful but at least more unusual. Opinions that you could read and think “that’s terrible but at least I hadn’t heard that before”. At the very least you wouldn’t be just rehearsing the same counter-arguments over and over again.

So I am dedicating this post to some terrible opinions that I have come up with. I should stress that I do not endorse any of these opinions, indeed to get on this list requires me to think that it is terrible.

  1. Dogs should be nationalised. All dogs should become the de-facto property of the national government [insert relevant level of government for your nation]. When people say to you “that’s stupid, the government shouldn’t own dogs”, point out that the police and army already own dogs and that owning a dog is good for you and so it will be good for the government. It also means there will no longer be any stray dogs as they will all be owned by the government. If somebody asks why the government should own all the dogs react as if they just said “I hate dogs”.
  2. Films with all male casts are actually feminist. Adopt a sincere but patronising tone and state that an all male cast defines a negative space that is wholly female and which dominates any film with only men in it. Refuse to watch a remake of the same film with an all women cast on the grounds that you find it too masculine.
  3. Traffic lights are tantamount to slavery. This terrible opinion is best delivered while you are driving and explained loudly to your passengers. Assert that traffic lights are stealing your labour and exerting control over your body. Refuse to accept that your claim is anyway an appalling trivialisation of the historical impact of actual slavery.
  4. The natural way for people to sleep is standing up. Explain that lying down to sleep is a modern invention and that we all evolved to sleep standing up. Claim all sorts of medical problems are caused by sleeping horizontally — start with semi-plausible ones like snoring, sleep apnoea etc and then move onto irritable bowel syndrome and eventually absurdly claim that brain cancer is caused by sleeping lying down. When asked, explain that you are still “unlearning” the “indoctrinated” way of sleeping but that soon you will have mastered vertical sleeping. Start calling it “natural sleep”. Cite random indigenous groups as practising vertical sleep and react angrily when people point out that you are wrong.
  5. Aircraft should have fewer seats but they should be packed more closely together and the spare room at the back is where you leave your luggage. Explain that “obviously” there would be a huge cost saving if you just carried your own luggage on board. Also, this way you can access your suitcase in the middle of the flight. Lost luggage would be a thing of the past and flights would be cheaper “because of all the savings”. Refuse to look at any diagrams of planes and look blankly when anybody says “luggage hold”.
  6. Police officers should be dressed as clowns. This is an advanced terrible opinion and you should practice on some easier terrible opinions before moving onto this one. Firstly claim that “clowns are scary” and that police dressing as clowns will “frighten criminals”. When told that scary clowns will also frighten non-criminals, look surprised and say “don’t be silly, everybody loves clowns!” At all times move seamlessly between these two contradictory positions that a. clowns are scary and b. clowns are amusingly lovable, as needed. At no time accept that you are contradicting yourself.
  7. Hot air balloons are the main cause of global warming. This is a more beginner grade terrible opinion. Clearly hot air balloons work by heating air. If anybody tries to explain why you are wrong, state that they are “denying the science”. Avoid discussing broader questions of climate or CO2 and concentrate on the mechanics of hot air balloons. Act like the person disagreeing with you knows nothing about hot air balloons. Learn (or invent) technical hot air balloon terms and quiz anyone arguing with you on their meaning. In the event of meeting somebody actually knowledgable about hot air balloons, claim they are “a shill for Big Balloon”.
  8. Drilling small holes in the walls of your house will save on heating/air-conditioning bills. You may need to tailor this terrible opinion seasonally or geographically. State that “warm air molecules” are larger than “cold air molecules”. [Winter version] The small holes in the walls in your house selectively let the cold air “escape” while retaining the warm air. [Summer version] The small holes in walls in your house selectively let cold air into your house, keeping the warm air outside.
  9. No there are not enough terrible opinions already. Despite the obvious state of discourse in the world, claim that there are not enough terrible opinions. Use your blog (or other social media) to promote some extra terrible opinions.
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33 thoughts on “No there aren’t enough terrible opinions in the world already

  1. 1 — police and army already own dogs and that owning a dog is good for you and so it will be good for the government.
    — This… almost makes sense.

    2 — Films with all male casts are actually feminist.
    — Depends on how buff they are.

    3 — Traffic lights are tantamount to slavery.
    — It’s useless to make traffic laws because lawbreakers won’t respect them anyway.
    — I have a right to freedom of association. Why can’t I associate with the guy who went through the light ahead of me?

    4 — When asked, explain that you are still “unlearning” the “indoctrinated” way of sleeping but that soon you will have mastered vertical sleeping.
    — Yeah, good luck with that one. Can I just say: Darwin!

    5 — Also, this way you can access your suitcase in the middle of the flight.
    — Sounds convenient!
    Refuse to look at any diagrams of planes and look blankly when anybody says “luggage hold”.
    — No, no, if you carry your own luggage on board, you can use the erstwhile luggage hold for more passengers! Airline steerage!

    6 — Police officers should be dressed as clowns.
    — Like they aren’t already?

    7 — Hot air balloons are the main cause of global warming.
    — Obvs!

    8 — Drilling small holes in the walls of your house will save on heating/air-conditioning bills.
    — Nono, in the ceiling. Hot air rises out of your house, cool air falls down into it!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. 7: Also balloons are filled with CO2. Explain how this is just common sense, because who hasn’t blown up balloons, and what are you blowing them up with then? OBVIOUSLY!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Re. #2:

    > On the other side, there’s Kevin Beresford.

    > “Traffic lights are so fascist and dictatorial, telling you when to stop and go,” says Beresford. “Roundabouts are quintessentially English and democratic in their etiquette.”

    > Beresford is president of the UK Roundabout Appreciation Society, for whom roundabouts promote the virtues of compromise and cooperation. They allow drivers to make their own decisions and assess others’ actions, the society argues, rather than relying on third-party signals. Banishing them to villages, small towns and business parks will leave our cities all the poorer. The group’s Best of British Roundabouts calendar is a bestseller.

    https://www.theguardian.com/cities/2015/oct/19/traffic-lights-roundabouts-way-out

    (Dug up whilst Googling for a “Roundabouts are un-American” article I recalled reading a couple of years ago.)

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Since you missed the obvious one (and I’m ever the person to state the obvious):

    9. The penalty for tossing your chewing gum on the ground should be DEATH. Especially for the person who tossed the piece I just stepped on.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. “Aircraft should have fewer seats but they should be packed more closely together and the spare room at the back is where you leave your luggage. Explain that “obviously” there would be a huge cost saving if you just carried your own luggage on board.”

    Everybody already holds this opinion. Ever since the airlines decided to start charging fees for checked baggage, the majority try to bring all their luggage on the plane and stick it in the little cabinets above the seats. This causes flight delays in boarding, especially since the airlines packed the seats more closely together and increased their number, so they have more people trying to shove large suitcases into tiny holes.

    So I’m not sure we can count this one. Seems like cheating.

    P.S. I am all for the government owns all the dogs and loans them out to the populace program. Can you imagine the dog libraries?

    Liked by 3 people

  6. 4. This is very close to something I heard as a kid from the college-age kid who was leading us on a hiking trip. He had heard somewhere that Native Americans were able to walk stealthily through the woods by stepping toe-to-heel and never heel-to-toe, but he had taken that a bit further and claimed that human beings were naturally intended to walk toe-to-heel at all times, and had always done so until Western civilization came along and stamped out (so to speak) the “natural, correct way of walking.” He then moved on to other subjects and I believe we all continued walking the same as usual.

    Like

      1. I have some experience walking around in mediaeval style shoes, and you do walk differently in them because of the soft soles. More like putting your whole foot down at once though, not toes first.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Next up: Namba aruki. (Japanese walking style where you move your arms in sync with the leg their closest to instead of with the opposite leg.)

        Like

      3. I just read on one of the namba aruki pages that the guy claims it is more efficient than “normal” walking — and in horses it’s true that pacers are faster than trotters So maybe we should all be trying it out!

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      4. You are (probably) thinking of Roland Warzecha. I don’t recall what point he was trying to make, but my extremely hazy recollection says that there’s a core of truth to what I think he said.

        If am am walking barefoot (or, in a pair of shoes with a very thin sole), walking as you do in a pair of shoes with a relatively hefty set of soles (with padding and all), my heels eventually start hurting. If I instead adopt a more “walk on the balls of my feet” (eh, the pad just behind the toes, hat’s the “ball”, yes?), my calves (eventually) get tired, but I don’t have bruised heel-flesh for a day or two after.

        This is especially noticeable on concrete floors, tarmac, or any other relatively hard surface. On a more yielding surface (grass, your typical mixed forest (conifers AND leafy trees)), the heel pain isn’t really a problem.

        I have also spent WAY too much time considering how I walk. I’ve even composed a 30-60 minute introductory class I jokingly call “standing and walking” that very much ISN’T a footwork class, because whatever footwork you have when you go in, will be worse when you’re done. It’s likely to lead to improved footwork 30-90 days into the future, though.

        Liked by 2 people

  7. Also, drilling holes in the wall of your house was recommended in mediaeval France as a way of getting rid of flies. Once the flies were out, you bunged up the hole. Much easier to do, I suspect, when your walls are made of wattle and daub….

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This would actually work. There is an excellent design for remote area toilets in Australia that has a long vertical pipe from the main “containment vessel”. Blowflies look for the light to exit their usual abode (rotting carcasses), so they follow the light up the pipe and out of the toilet. It also acts as a chimney to vent odours etc.

      This design has been proven in the field for at least 40 years that I know of.

      Like

  8. (2) Films with all male casts cater to the straight female gaze*, of course. They are just one step removed from outright pornography and should be labelled as such in a prominent manner. As a red-bludded American He-Male, I of course only watch movies with all-female casts, lest I be unintentionally exposed to a glimpse of manly ankle or tight blue jeans caressing strong buttocks.

    Yours sincerely,

    Maj. Gen. Montgomery Python (Mrs.)

    *I like the phrase straight female gaze, but of course it also caters to the gay males, and bi-, pan, and were- sexuals of some species.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Obviously movies (NOT films, you elitist scum) should be cast solely with cats and puppers to avoid any sexual elements whatsoever to avoid ANY sort of gaze, in fact we should ban films entirely audio books only and NO descriptions otherwise PORN

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I feel I need to lend a hand to the cause of balooneism. Humans and other party animals are great at converting CO2: they breathe in low CO2 air and exhale high CO2 air. Filling up a balloon, the CO2 is sequestered inside it. Five minutes every half hour for everybody like for a great leap forward (that’s the party part) – or as a sponsored competition with tax deduction prizes for the winner’s sponsor, with daily and weekly targets.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. “Owning a dog is good for you and so it will be good for the government”

    Ok, so in a society like Australia’s where obesity is an epidemic this is dangerously close to a non-terrible idea. Given dog ownership is associated with lower stress and a more active lifestyle, weirdly it could be cheaper for the government to provide (and even feed) a dog for every household given the hole obesity is blowing in the health budget.

    The potential problem would be paying for enough clown police to ensure each household is actually being active with their welfare-canine. Possibly we could train the dogs to bite their owners if they have been inactive for more than two hours and aggressively chase them around the house until they reach peak heart rate. They could also be trained to steal all their owners food that isn’t hear foundation approved (thus also reducing the government’s dog food expenses).

    Therefore, my sub idea is “Free Kleptmaniac Aggressive Dogs for All!”

    Like

      1. They will also need to explain to Tony Jones why they want to drug test all free-aggressive dog recipients. And heck, why not drug test the dogs too.

        Liked by 1 person

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