The less loved Star Wars wing fighters

I was impressed by this comprehensive list of ‘alphabet’ fighters from Star Wars https://www.gizmodo.com.au/2019/09/star-wars-wings-ranked/

I hadn’t realised there were so many but I can’t help thinking that there is a lot more of the alphabet Star Wars could have covered. So I have decided to fill in some of the gaps.

The technically impressive W-Wing fighter proved to be unusable for most purposes when it was discovered the second engine had been put in the wrong way around. Its capacity to spin around in circles was second to none.

The successor to the W-Wing used a similar design and was the aptly named M-Wing. The extra big engine on the back was particularly impressive given its tendency to explode unexpectedly.

The ill-fated N-Wing fighter was a product of years of astronautic research. It was not until the disastrous battle of Spodkin that it was discovered that the N-Wing’s engines fall off under high acceleration.

The collapse in demand for N-Wing fighters led to many unscrupulous second-hand star-fighter sales-beings marketing unsellable stock as “Z-Wing fighters” by parking N-Wings on their side.

The L-Wing fighter was built for durability, technical stability and vertical take-off. It had an unparalleled ability to fly upwards. Unfortunately it lacked the ability to go in any other direction. Up, up, up they went with no capacity to shut down the engine. Flocks of L-Wings still rise above the galactic plane, their pilots long since rotted down to skeletons, while these indomitable fighters continue on their ever upward flight

“What does the circle bit do?” asked the designer’s boyfriend looking over the schematics for the Q-wing. “What do any of the these bits do?” replied the designer. Nobody knew.

It is misleading to call the G-Wing a ‘design’. It was produced due to a droid error at an automated fighter factory. Three thousand were produced before the assembly line could be shut down. The G-Wing is not space worthy but they are sought after as a collectors item.

“I’m sorry but this new design is unacceptable.”
“How dare you! That is my greatest work yet! The P-Wing fighter!”
“Look, space fighters are either blocky or curvy. Blocky represents good and curvy represents evil. It’s established semiotic canon.”
“Well what about the Millennium Falcon?”
“Han Solo is a rogue and a smuggler. The Flacon is a bit curvy because Solo is a bit of a bad-boy.”
“Well the P-Wing represent the inherent duality of the universe. It will bring balance to the force.”
( In fact the P-Wing failed to bring balance to anything including itself.)

The lower-case-i wing resulted not only in the designer being sacked but the whole planet he was from was ostracised from polite society.

After a series of design failures and public relations disasters, fighter design went back to basics. “Forget letters,” they said “the next big thing is punctuation!” Thus was the Asterisk-fighter born. Fast, reliable and agile, the Asterisk-fighter was a technical and critical success. Unfortunately pilots refused to fly them because “they make us look like assholes.”

The minutes from the board meeting after the disastrous marketing launch of the R-Wing is just the sound of the CEO bashing their own head against a table.

Needless to say, this post is not endorsed by Lucas Arts or Disney

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19 thoughts on “The less loved Star Wars wing fighters

      1. I once read a fanfic where part of the scenario involved someone trying to outlaw pi.

        Character #1, who’s just been briefed on what’s been going on in her absence: “I’ve heard of irrational hatred before, but this is ridiculous.”

        Character #2: “I think it’s more transcendental hatred by now. But that’s beside the point.”

        Liked by 1 person

  1. The asterisk wing has serious toy marketing potential.

    Now onto musical notes …..

    The dotted hemi-semi-demi-quaver wing.

    Grace notes, treble clefts, accidentals and ornamentations also could get…interesting.

    Like

  2. There was that one executive who suggested a whole new line of Emoji-Wings, but luckily the other executives managed to throw him into the trash compactor before he could talk to an engineer.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is a bit of a long shot, but does anyone remember the old Traveller RPG adventure “Amber to Red”? You have to storm a spaceship that’s the spitting image of the I-wing.

    Like

  4. I remember taking my maybe eight-year-old? kid to some kind of Star Trek thing in Los Angeles.
    Kid was shocked during a question/answer period when someone’s question for Nimoy started off with “I’m only in it for the ships.”
    It remains family shorthand for people’s strange and inexplicable obsessions.

    This post is a thing of beauty.

    Liked by 1 person

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