On Writing & Being A Writer by Timothy the Talking Cat, international bestseller, editor and publisher.
Many people ask me “how do I become a writer just like you?” or at least I imagine they would. Sometimes people ask me “where is your ticket?” and then say “hold on, your a cat! You aren’t allowed on this roller coaster!” but the jokes on them because I never wanted to go on the roller coaster anyway, I just barged to the front of the queue because I thought everybody was waiting in line for free food.
Being a writer is a lot like being on a roller coaster. For a start, if you are a small child or a cat some spotty gatekeeper won’t let you be a writer. “You have to be this tall to be a writer!” they say. “Keep you arms inside the carriage while writing is in motion” they say. Ignore these self-appointed petty tyrants in the fairground of publishing! You only need TWO things to be a writer 1. the willpower 2. the determination and 3. a valid ticket from the ticket booth.
Sure, roller coasters are scary and possibly dangerous if they are poorly maintained just like the publishing business. You might think “Oh I’ll just go and eat candy floss instead” but DO NOT! For starters your keyboard will get all sticky. Secondly you get taken to the vet and Camestros gets a stern lecture from the vet about how he shouldn’t let cats eat candy floss and he’s like “I can’t stop this monstrous feline! And what sort of candy floss stand takes stolen Apple epay credentials as payment anyway!” and yeah that SOUNDS funny but its not, not if you have a bloated tummy and then it’s restricted kibble for two weeks because your belly looks like a balloon and the local squirrels laugh at you because you keep doing candy floss scented farts in the garden. Trust me – don’t go down that route.
Yes, publishing is the fairground of literature and you have to ask yourself “do I have what it takes to maximise my pocket money at this cornucopia of sights, smells and visceral experiences?” You know what? If your answer is “I dunno, maybe?” then QUIT NOW AND STOP WASTING MY TIME! This is not the place for mealy mouthed, wishy-washy attitudes. Go to the fair ground with THAT attitude and the place will gobble you up and spit your out and all you’ll have to show for it is a wasted two-hours queuing then stuck at the top of a broken Ferris Wheel with nothing to eat but a disappointing chip-on-stick.
Yes, yes, it SOUNDS great. As they say:
“For generations, Australians have enjoyed traditional chips. In 2009, we introduced an exciting new twist – Chips on a Stick! A whole potato spiralled onto a bamboo skewer, dipped in a special batter, fried and served with a choice of 10 mouth watering seasonings.”http://www.chipsonastick.com.au/chips-on-a-stick.html
But it’s just a potato cut funny and I didn’t get in this business to eat potatoes.
Have you been paying attention? Yes? I don’t think so. Go back and read everything I wrote again. OK, pop quiz bozo. What’s the central theme of what I wrote? SUFFERING.
Suffering builds character and what is an author? That’s right: an author is somebody WHO BUILDS CHARACTERS. You can’t write without basic raw materials such as 1. a typewriter 2. paper 3. a pencil case and 4. a life of suffering through which you have earned the right to claim the mantle of author.
I suffered and fought and lived to fight another day. I had to suffer the disappointment of chips-on-a-stick, I had to suffer the rejection of the roller coaster operator, I had to suffer the humiliation of emergency vet treatment due to a basic incompatibility between the feline gastric system and huge quantities of spun sugar. THAT’S WHAT WRITING IS ALL ABOUT.
Also, don’t go on the bouncy castle if you have claws.