Chapter 9: The Great Philanthropist
I woke up inside the tiny cinema aboard the ship. Let me tell you: don’t watch a James Cameron film after binging on catnip. Avatar had been WAYYYY too much for me.
“I have had another epiphany!” I said to Straw Puppy. “If I my last chapter has gone way to far and I don’t know how to start the next one, I can just say it was all a dream!”
“Brilliant!” said Straw Puppy. “Also we can invade people’s dreams and drive them mad with haunting visions of their death!”
With these new found insights we landed in sunny old England. There on the docks sat a sad lonely and dishelved figure. “What ails you good sir?” I asked the derelict fellow who somehow managed to look both gaunt and overweight at the same time.
“I am down on my luck, I is.” he said, struggling to put words together in a sentence because he was none too bright and also drunk. He also smelt bad and may have pooed his pants at some point.
“What is your name?” I asked as gently as I could for fear that I might startle this shrivelled excuse for a human being into the pit of madness that he clearly sat upon the edge of.
“Why sir, I have plum forgot my name,” he replied pitifully.
“Then I shall name you ‘Camestros Felapton’ after my servant’s dog from when I was growing up as a member of the landed gentry.” I declared in a gesture of such amazing humanity that everyone on the docks was astonished by my generosity.
“Gawd bless you sir! And for giving me a name I shall pledge my service to you forever!” said the unkempt fellow who now had a gleam of sanity in his eye.
“Then rise up and grab my bags!” I said, knowing that what this man needed was firm commands and a sense of purpose.
“And where is it we be going?” he inquired.
“Why to my ancestral home. Felapton Towers near the pleasant town of Bortsworth.”
Yes, I had returned and it was time for me to reclaim my rightful place on the throne of Bortsworth!