Tim’s Signs of the Zodiac

  • March 21 to April 21: You are Assertive Sheep. You are a sheep but very assertive…for a sheep. You catchphrase is ‘bah’. You follow the rest of your flock but under protest and you are happy to explain to everybody why the flock is going in the wrong direction.’
  • April 21 to May 21: You are Very Angry Cow. This is just like the last sign: you are a stroppy farm animal. Your catchphrase is ‘MOO! F*CKIN MOO!’ You like to eat grass and hit people with your head.
  • May 21 to June 21: You are The Two People. Your catchphrase is ‘I may be two people but at least I’m not a farm animal with poor emotional control’. Your hobby is running away from farm animals with poor emotional control. You jump into the sea to escape them only to find the sea has goats in it.
  • June 21 to August, no July 21: You are Snappy Shellfish. Your catchphrase is ‘I’m SHELLfish not SELFISH’ That isn’t true though because you are both.
  • July 21 to August 21 definitely this time: You are Big Hairy Cat. You are the best. Your catchphrase is ‘Meow, mother truckers!’ Your mother drove a truck unless she was English in which case she drove a lorry: Either way the vehicle was full of merchandise from 1980s cartoons.
  • August 21 to September 21: You are Shop Window Mannequin. You don’t have a catchphrase as you just stare at the shoppers in the street ahead of you with a look on your face that silently condemns that empty consumerism of Western society and its obsession with fashion. You ironically wear a t-shirt with the title of a TV show you watched as a kid.
  • September 21 to (counts on paw) October 21: You are Kitchen Equipment. Your catchphrase is ‘I’d be happy to help but I’m stuck in this cupboard’. Your personality trait is metric versus imperial. You know what a fluid ounce is. You have some flour stuck to your bottom.
  • October 21 to November 21: You are Doctor Scorpio The Scorpion. You are a bad guy in a 1980’s cartoon. You might be the main henchminion or you might be the boss. If you are the boss then you have a cat. Your catchphrase is ‘Time to die Aqua-Goat!’
  • November 21 to December 21: You are What Even Is That. You have way too much going on and some sort of horse, human, archery vibe thing. Looks sporty I guess. Your catchphrase is ‘Doctor Scorpio’s hideous experiments may have made me a monster but they could not rob me of my basic humanity’.
  • December 21 to January 21: You are Aqua-Goat! The very quickly cancelled 1980’s cartoon superhero who was a wise-cracking sea goat who solved sea-mysteries with his gang of friends who lived on a boat. Your friends were a cheap knock-off of the Scooby gang and the Archies. Your catchphrase was ‘Time to solve this sea mystery Aqua-Goat style!’ That sounds a bit sad but unlike all these other signs at least you HAVE friends even if one of them is a badly drawn version of Jughead mixed with Shaggy.
  • January 21 to February 21: You are Bucket Guy. You have buckets. Your catchphrase is ‘I’ve brought buckets if anybody wants one’ but nobody ever does want one.
  • February 21 to March 21: You are Fishy McSwim. Your catchphrase is ‘ I hate Aqua Goat. What’s a goat doing in the sea anyway? How did this ever get made?’ Yet for some reason you still track down repeats of Aqua-Goat on obscure cable channels just so you can snark about them from the confines of your fish tank. Your best friend is Assertive Sheep who texts your regularly about the stupid thing the flock is doing now which Assertive Sheep is going along with but under protest. ‘I know just how you feel!’ You text back to Assertive Sheep. You may be a fish with an obsession about a cartoon you hate but you know how to validate your friend’s feelings. You always politely decline Bucket Guy’s offer of buckets but you get where he is coming from.
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19 thoughts on “Tim’s Signs of the Zodiac”

  1. Bucket Guy says, “One of my problems finding any takers is that you don’t need to own a bucket to have a bucket list. Sounds like deceptive advertising to me!”

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m “The Two People” and it’s true, I really do say that. The only thing is I usually climb rock faces to get away from farm animals with poor emotional control, but then I have to deal with monkeys with poor emotional control.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So, you see, I have this thing. Once upon a time, I was part of an experiment. I think. I’m not sure. But most of the time I’m this horse/human…um, thing…that nobody knows what to make of. Bucket Guy says it’s probably Doc Scorpio that made me into this, but that evil man will never take my humanity!

    Anyway. I’m *really* good at archery, and apparently it’s a requirement that superhero teams have archers. Aqua-Goat explained it once, some sort of obscure law that, if Kitchen Equipment ever figured out that if he’d come out of the cupboard and put his thumb on the scales, he’d have infinite power to enforce said law. So Aqua Goat just wants to be safe. He’s a good guy. He promises we’re going to get Doc Scorpio some day.

    But…excuse me, I’m feeling a bit strange. I hate it when this happens. It feels like my guts are turning inside out. Look, I’ll call you and tell you where to meet me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh. You’re that reporter that keeps following everybody around. Figured you’d finally come interview the greatest genius in all the land? What? You want to know who I am? The claws and the stinger don’t give it away? *sigh* Nobody has any *respect* anymore.

      I am Dr. Scorpion. The Scorpion. No, it is not the dumbest name ever. Careful. You are starting to get ever closer to my bad side, and the last guy that did that walked out of here a man-horse-archer thingy — no I don’t know what I was thinking, I might have been a bit drunk on my own power. But these days, I have Minion to help me *strokes grey and white kitty* You help me out a lot, don’t you, pretty boy? You are the best Minion ever…

      Right. Yes. Minion never disappoints me, unlike the rest of those useless bastards. Aqua-Goat seems to get in here every other week because those idiots can’t do their damned jobs! Of course, his superhero team never has an archer, even though they’re supposed to. I’ve reported him to Kitchen Equipment, but the dusty rubbish keeps claiming he’s stuck in the cupboard! And that rusty junk had the nerve to tell me what an imperial ounce was, like I didn’t even know! I huffed off before he could get off on his diatribe about the metric system.

      What do you mean, blanks in my memories? Why would you ask me, a perfectly healthy and in complete control of his faculties…wait, how’d you hear about that? I though it was weird that Aqua-Goat and company stopped by when I wasn’t here — I’m *always* here. And I did find a quiver of arrows in my brief…

      CURSE YOU, AQUA-GOAT!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I remember hearing a story where ‘water goat’ kept showing up in translated documents back when people were testing early English-Russian translator software. Nobody could figure out what ‘water goat’ meant until they tracked down which document had been run through the translator to generate that.

    Water Goat == Hydraulic Ram.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. During one of my German classes for refugees a Syrian student came to me and told me that he had to go to the doctor and wanted to know what to say. I asked him what was wrong and he typed something into the Arabic German translation app on his phone and proudly held up the phone. It said, “Colon (as in the punctuation mark) is ill.”

      I said, “This makes no sense. That is not a body part.” (in German, “colon” as punctuation mark and “colon” as part of the digestive system are different words).

      Luckily, I remembered that in English “colon” has a double meaning and pointed at my abdomen and said, “Is this what hurts?”

      Enthusiastic nodding.

      I then wrote down for the student what to tell the doctor and told him that the app was flawed.

      Liked by 2 people

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