Timothy’s Spoiler Filled Review of Captain Marvel

[From the desk of the CEO of Cattimothy Media dot Org] This is Marvel’s second cat led superhero movie. Black Panther was a bit disappointing as they cast a human in the key role of the Black Panther. Disappointing but understandable given that big cats have been boycotting Hollywood ever since the tiger in Life of Pi didn’t get their fair share of the royalties.

Goose is a superhero cat who is a regular cat and also an alien cat. Everybody is scared of Goose and except the stupid humans. There are two humans one of which glows a lot and the other is Nick Fury of Shield. he is not as cool as Goose.

Goose has several key powers:

  • The power of intimidating presence
  • The power of insufferable cuteness
  • I can haz tentacles
  • Mastery of infinity stones
  • Hairballs

The haters and the naysayers are calling Goose a ‘Mary Sue’ and saying that they are over-powered as a superhero. This is because the haters are all stupidheads. Firstly most of Goose’s powers are just regular cat super powers and the ones that aren’t are tentacles, which is more than reasonable. Goose also earned all of those powers in a complex character arc where they go from people thinking ‘oh a cute regular cat’ to ‘oh golly gosh that cat has super powers’.

Also we now know the answer to ALL continuity questions in the Marvel Universe:

  • Why was there an infinity gauntlet in Thor 1 when Thanos hadn’t made it yet? Simple, Goose put it there.
  • Why was Natalie Portman not in Thor 3? Simple, she was having lunch with Goose.
  • Why was Ironman 2 not very good? Simple, it didn’t have Goose in it.
  • How come Coulson is alive in Agents of Shield but all the Avengers think he is dead in the movie? Simple, Goose doesn’t want them to know Coulson is alive because Goose is a cat and likes playing with half-dead things.
  • How come [long boring stuff about the Kree, Inhumans, Terrigen mists and other stuff]. Goose did it.

Other stuff happened in the film but if you wait until it is on VHS you can fast forward to the Goose bits.

Advertisements

6 comments

  1. Pingback: Pixel Scroll 3/9/19 The Correct Double Entendre Can Make Anything Genre | File 770
  2. KasaObake

    I haven’t seen it yet (probably won’t until my next longhaul flight) but I glanced at this and genuinely thought for a second that Timothy was very confused and watching Top Gun.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.