Wikileaks has sent a list of 140 thing that the news media should not say about Julian Assange (which you can read here https://hillreporter.com/leak-read-wikileaks-list-of-140-things-not-to-say-to-julian-assange-20413 )
As a major news organisation Felapton Towers has a confidential memo listing 40 other things we are not to say about Julian Assange which at great risk to myself I am leaking to the public.
- It is false and defamatory to say that Julian Assange is or ever has been a member of Slytherin House or ever shouted “I’ll get you Potter!” across the Hogwarts dining hall.
- It is false and defamatory to say that “Julian Assange” is a euphemism used by cats to indicate a particularly foul litter box that hasn’t been changed for weeks.
- It is false and defamatory to say Julian Assange was born in the village of Midwhich and has “spooky” psychic powers.
- It is false and defamatory to say that Julian Assange is an acolyte of Khan Noonien Singh and was stranded on Ceti Alpha V by Captain Kirk.
- It is false and defamatory to say that Julian Assange is hiding behind doors in the Bolivian Embassy and waiting until people walk past and jumping out and saying “Boo!”. Julian Assange is in the Ecuadorian Embassy.
- It is false and defamatory to say that Julian Assange is the worst thing to come out of New Zealand since Yahoo Serious. Both Mr Serious and Mr Assange are from Australia, not New Zealand.
- It is false and defamatory to make any comparisons between Julian Assange’s brief popularity and that of the career of Yahoo Serious. Mr Serious’s brief popularity was just part of a normal cycle of popular media sudden fame followed by obscurity rather than any deep character flaws or appalling behaviour.
- It is false and defamatory to say that Julian Assange knows how to get to Shell Beach or to claim that Shell Beach isn’t real or that the whole city resets at midnight.
- It is false and defamatory to say that Julian Assange is an agent of the Matrix or has revealed the location of our hovercraft to the squid-like hunter-killer robots.
- It is false and defamatory to claim that Julian Assange is a repugnant person who is the subject of this forty item list. The list has only ten items.