40 Other Things You Shouldn’t Say About Julian Assange

Wikileaks has sent a list of 140 thing that the news media should not say about Julian Assange (which you can read here https://hillreporter.com/leak-read-wikileaks-list-of-140-things-not-to-say-to-julian-assange-20413 )

As a major news organisation Felapton Towers has a confidential memo listing 40 other things we are not to say about Julian Assange which at great risk to myself I am leaking to the public.

  • It is false and defamatory to say that Julian Assange is or ever has been a member of Slytherin House or ever shouted “I’ll get you Potter!” across the Hogwarts dining hall.
  • It is false and defamatory to say that “Julian Assange” is a euphemism used by cats to indicate a particularly foul litter box that hasn’t been changed for weeks.
  • It is false and defamatory to say Julian Assange was born in the village of Midwhich and has “spooky” psychic powers.
  • It is false and defamatory to say that Julian Assange is an acolyte of Khan Noonien Singh and was stranded on Ceti Alpha V by Captain Kirk.
  • It is false and defamatory to say that Julian Assange is hiding behind doors in the Bolivian Embassy and waiting until people walk past and jumping out and saying “Boo!”. Julian Assange is in the Ecuadorian Embassy.
  • It is false and defamatory to say that Julian Assange is the worst thing to come out of New Zealand since Yahoo Serious. Both Mr Serious and Mr Assange are from Australia, not New Zealand.
  • It is false and defamatory to make any comparisons between Julian Assange’s brief popularity and that of the career of Yahoo Serious. Mr Serious’s brief popularity was just part of a normal cycle of popular media sudden fame followed by obscurity rather than any deep character flaws or appalling behaviour.
  • It is false and defamatory to say that Julian Assange knows how to get to Shell Beach or to claim that Shell Beach isn’t real or that the whole city resets at midnight.
  • It is false and defamatory to say that Julian Assange is an agent of the Matrix or has revealed the location of our hovercraft to the squid-like hunter-killer robots.
  • It is false and defamatory to claim that Julian Assange is a repugnant person who is the subject of this forty item list. The list has only ten items.

12 thoughts on “40 Other Things You Shouldn’t Say About Julian Assange

  1. It is false and defamatory to claim that Julian Assange is a bretharian and therefore we only need to wait for him to starve to death.

    It is false and defamatory to claim that Julian Assange is a present-day manifestation of Xenu.

    It is false and defamatory to claim that Julian Assange is a member of Comicsgate, Gamer-gate or any other similar alt-right conspiracy.

    It is false and defamatory to claim that Julian Assange has willed his body to Gunther von Hagens for Plastination.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. What kind of idiots actually post a list of Things Not to Say?
    Don’t they know that kind of thing is catnip to some people?
    … and if your list had forty items, then what?
    Logically…. yeah.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It is false and defamatory to point out that Julian Assange is an anagram for ….
    ninja slags UAE….. and
    unseal NASA jig…. and
    ganja snail use… and
    Sausage La Jinn… and
    Alias Snug Jean.. and
    Anal Anise Jugs

    Liked by 3 people

  4. You’d think Wikileaks would realize that “don’t say these things, or else, and by the way, this list is confidential” doesn’t actually guarantee confidentiality.

    Also, twenty minutes ago I had no idea that Assange had been arrested for anything as a teenager; well done, Assange PR team.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. At the moment the Somerville opinion includes “maybe someone at Wikileaks dislikes Assange and knew exactly what they were doing” and “has anyone checked that this is really from Wikileaks?

      Liked by 1 person

    2. That was my first thought. Wikileaks thought something in email would be kept secret?

      I’m betting this is absolutely genuine, though. And also backfiring, since I didn’t know or had forgotten some of this, and was reminded of much that IS true — and therefore cannot be defamatory under US law. Or is at least a bunch of lawyering weasel-words. Like saying he’s not hiding in the embassy b/c everyone knows he’s there, so it’s not technically hiding. Yeah. The boys down the pub/at the bar are har-har about that.

      WL seems to be trying to distance themselves from him now that he’s useless and a demerit to their reputation so I bet someone there hoped this would come out.

      Personally, I’m betting Ecuador has at least once thought about increasing the insurance on their embassy and torching part of it so he’s not their problem any more.

      I note this list also uses the wrong pronoun for former Pvt. Manning. As well as showing that he WAS arrested and convicted of hacking as a teenager, and pled guilty! If only they’d tossed him in gaol then.

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  5. It is false and defamatory to claim that Julian Assange’s cat is responsible for hacking Hillary Clinton’s campaign.
    It is false and defamatory to claim that Julian Assange’s cat knows Timothy. They have never met, except for that one night long ago, when Julian Assange’s cat was a far younger and more innocent cat.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It is also false and defamatory to say that Julian Assange does not exist and is in fact an android controlled by his cat.
      It is also false and defamatory to say that Julian Assange’s cat, Larry of No. 10 Downing Street and Timothy regularly meet for breakfast to plot world domination.

      Liked by 1 person

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