Camestros Felapton

FELAPTONL

Other Revised Canon Aspects of Poo

The other day J.K.Rowling’s Pottermore revealed that Hogwarts was originally built without toilets because wizards just pooped anywhere and then magicked it away. Below are other poo related details about other franchises that you might not know.

  • Star Trek: The original Enterprise had no toilets. Kirk would poo on the floor of his quarters and get Scotty to beam it away. The rest of the crew would vaporise poo with their phasers.
  • Star Wars: there are no bathrooms in Star Wars but there are small toilet robots who follow you around waiting for you to do your business and clean it up. That’s what those little boxy droids are.
  • Game of Thrones. There is canonically at least one toilet in Westeros, making the whole franchise highly advanced in its sanitation practices. Peasants are covered in MUD, not poo, at least not human poo…on the whole.
  • Sherlock/Elementary/Any Holmes related franchise: Obviously there are toilets in all the Sherlock Holmes versions but you’ll note that Holmes rarely (if ever) uses one. This is why Doctor Watson is so fascinated by Holmes. Obviously, he must poo somewhere but Watson can’t work out where or how — making Holmes medically fascinating to him.
  • Batman: Has a Batloo for his Batpoo obviously.
  • The Marvel Cinematic Universe: Again, zero toilets depicted. Now, do you understand why Thanos wanted to remove half the people in the universe?
  • Doctor Who: When a timelord regenerates, any poo from the previous body vapourises and is emitted as ‘residual energy’.
  • The Hunger Games: District Zero never gets mentioned but its basically the sewerage district. They never get asked for tributes.
  • Twighlight: Vampires don’t ingest much solid food. What waste they excrete is via glands on their skin which react to sunlight. The waste evaporates away causing them to ‘sparkle’. “I’m just going for a quick sparkle” is a vampire euphamism for a bathroom break.

camestrosfelapton

33 responses to “Other Revised Canon Aspects of Poo”

  2. Why, what a perfect place to dump this little essay on Disney plans to pep up their older products with the inevitable kid-pleaser:Classical Gas
    The Disney corporation, ever sensitive to the winds of change, and (since at least the 1950s) ever willing to recut their old products up for present-day sensibilities, determined to get out on the cutting edge of kid appeal by folding flatulence humor into their classic releases. Leaked memo from 2008 reveals some of the specific ideas explored.

    SNOW WHITE:
    While cleaning the kitchen, SW can’t get the dust out of a large jug, so she has animal pals blow dust out. Bunny butt puff is insufficient, so she has a deer help out. Later gags showing reactions of dwarfs to jug: When Doc first opens it, small cloud comes out; Dopey interacts with the cloud, which reacts with alternate coyness and forwardness; Grumpy scowls it back into the jug, but it comes back, etc.

    Let’s hope the formatting worked there, since I can’t edit or delete here. Anyway, more at the link.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I swear, everything Rowling’s come up with including and since the epilogue to the last book is dumber and dafter. She needs to STFU.

      I am a whitey white white person, and even I was offended at her take on Native American magic before the first Fantastic Beasts movie. As well as the idea that all of the US only had one wizarding school in the 20th Century. She didn’t notice that it’s as big as Europe, which had at least 3?

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Ah, who can forget the immortal line “In the game of thrones, you win, and then you can finally poop”

    Liked by 4 people

  5. In Octavia Butler’s Imago, one of the ooloi, Jodahs, explains to his human partner that ooloi don’t need to poop, because their bodies are so efficient. What a deal!

    Liked by 1 person

    • At least one set of semi-official deckplans for the Klingon D7 battlecruiser was published which did not include any, err, facilities… leading to speculation that this was the cause of the Klingons’ legendary irascibility.

      “Red Dwarf”, of course, made frequent allusions to sanitary facilities – the novelization included one with a sign over the urinals saying NOW IRRADIATE YOUR HANDS. And a scene in one early episode of “Babylon 5” was set in a gents’, and at the conclusion of business, Garibaldi and Sinclair irradiated their hands. It’s nice to see these old traditions being kept up.

      I would also refer to Brian Aldiss’s novel “The Dark Light Years”, here, except… well, I won’t go into details, people might be eating.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. There was a National Lampoon piece called “Toilets of the Extraterrestrials” in the early years of the magazine, illustrated by Peter Bramley. We should not forget the most famous space toilet of all, Rudolph the… I mean, the Zero-G Toilet from 2001. I don’t recall if they left it in, but anyone who has the Making Of told all their friends about it.

    stevejwright reminds me that when the first Star Trek blueprints came out, I was giving them a once-over at the counter of the comics shop I worked in (making this 1975-6). There were a number of small rectangular rooms here and there with TL in them. “Turbolift” didn’t come to mind, so I asked Mark Hughes what that stood for. “Terlet,” he said instantly, and… what? No! I didn’t believe him for years, YOU BELIEVED HIM FOR YEARS

    Liked by 1 person

  10. W/r/t Game of Thrones: There’s a relevant line in the first(?) book that didn’t make it into the show. The Night’s Watch crew is camping out at the forest compound of Craster – an all-around terrible and gross person – and they’re having a pretty bad time. The compound is built on a small hill. Dolorous Edd is complaining about how everything smells like shit, and then he realizes: “Could it be that this whole hill is made of Craster’s shit?”

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Also, now I’m thinking about the very strange 1931 Charles Williams fantasy novel Shadows of Ecstasy. It deals with a guy with messianic pretensions who has managed (through vague means involving sexual abstinence) to become so spiritually powerful that he doesn’t need to eat, drink, or sleep. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t excrete either. Except now Rowling has made me think, what if that part was an illusion? Basically, she’s implying that if someone has magic powers, you can never trust that they’re not eliminating right in front of you at any time.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Jessica Jones provides crapper canon for the MCU. A surprising amount of that story involves bathrooms.

    “Crapper Cannon” is probably something The Punisher owns.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Ookla the Mok did a song joking about the lack of bathrooms on the Enterprise, as sung by Riker. Naturally, it’s called ‘Number One’.

    I asked the ship’s computer, I checked the technical guide
    But there are no bathrooms on the Enterprise
    I’ve been here seven days, and I can’t wait anymore
    Pretty soon I’m gonna boldly go where no one’s ever gone before.

    Liked by 3 people

  15. Didn’t Start Trek canonically have at least one quatloo? Even if it wasn’t on the Enterprise. If fan fiction is to be believed, the Enterprise in Star Trek – The Next Generation had one toilet, and all the gambling is primarily to gain (or lose) toilet time.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. There was a trilogy a few years back when almost everyone was full of programmable nanites/apps and so there were no toilets at all. But when the creche kids were going through their coming-of-age, they had to go to these summer camp/reserves where there was no or very little tech. Imagine teenagers who’d never had to deal with the input and output of digestion…

    Or average sight, hearing, pain, sleep any other bodily functioning. Pooing bothered them most, though, and the girls weren’t keen on periods IIRC.

    Liked by 1 person

Blog at WordPress.com.