So, I’m not doing an eligibility list this year…sort of…

I know, I know, I’m weird about some things.

Let me explain.

So it was lovely and I really do appreciate that so many people nominated me for a Hugo last year and then so many people even voted for me. That really was something else and I’m proud that people felt that way. Yes, it is validating and often felt like lots of nice people giving me a nice warm hug without it being a weird sort of hug.

But it also made me feel very self-conscious. It wasn’t some terrible emotional burden or made me feel bad about myself. I wouldn’t want people to think that in being nice and supportive they were accidentally doing the opposite. However, it really, really makes it harder to write things *specifically here* if I become overly aware of what I’m writing.

As frequent readers will have noticed, this is a blog of first or early drafts of things that maybe get some typos corrected but otherwise don’t get revised very much ever again. It’s what in my head when I get up in the morning that I think is worth my time typing. When I start thinking about it too self-referentially, what I write looks like this:

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.

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And that is sort of how I felt writing in that interval between getting nominated (which, seriously was awesome) and the Hugo ceremony (which was also awesome and special thanks to the lovely person who represented me there). It was a great ego-boost and very special but also felt like it was an extra obstacle to writing stuff here.

It’s rather like the injunction to just ‘be yourself’, except with the added complication that I’m often being people other than myself.

Put another way: the nomination etc WAS fun and nice but it made writing the blog less fun and less nice. Not in any terrible angsty torture like way but enough that I’ll skip the experience for 2019. That’s not a ‘NEVER AGAIN!’ just a ‘the view is lovely but I’m a bit puffed out from walking up this hill and tomorrow I’d like to stay in the pub and look at the next big hill from below in the beer garden, thanks’. It was also a bit like eating celery but that analogy requires more explanation and really doesn’t help get the point across.

Speaking of fun.

Looking back and collating posts from 2017 and making a huge Hugo packet thing was great fun. So I will do that again but I’ll do it after Hugo nominations are closed.

In the meantime, there are lots of awesome people to vote for in Fan Writer!

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42 comments

  1. Cora

    Ah well, you just opened up a slot on my best fan writer ballot for someone else on my personal shortlist.

    I’m looking forward to the collected Best of 2018 BTW.

    Like

  2. greghullender

    Yes, it’s quite a bit of work, and you don’t get most of the benefit from it if you don’t attend in person. But I was proud to nominate/vote for you in the past, so I’ll be sad not to.

    Perhaps we can convince you to attend the one in New Zealand in person.

    Oh, I should tell you about the plot to take a “photograph” of you at WorldCon 76 in San Jose. I met Foz Meadows when we were on a panel together, and after that, she a friend of hers, a black gay guy from New York, joined Eric and me at our table at the reception for Hugo Finalists. He and I had great fun chatting, and somehow we ended up suggesting that Eric take a picture of him, Foz, and me, and caption it “Camestros Felapton, Foz Meadows, and Greg Hullender.” Then quietly wait to see what the puppies did when they “discovered” you were black.

    Someone spoiled it by pointing out that we kinda ought to ask your permission first. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 7 people

  3. Mike Glyer

    I completely relate to that feeling. But as long as we’re here talking privately on the internet, with Abigail Nussbaum taking herself out, and now you, people I want to vote for are getting thin on the ground.

    Like

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  5. Jon Del Arroz

    My blog’s really good if you guys wanna respect Camestros’s wishes and find another great spot to nominate this year — though it’d be better to do one of my short stories like “Unsafe (In) Space”. Trigger warning. πŸ™‚

    Like

  6. Kat Goodwin

    You don’t have to apologize to us for deciding you don’t want to participate in an award, CF. It’s not a moral failing, lol. (Although I will be amused at how Puppy frothers will try to spin it.)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Regular Commenter

    I so get this! External affirmation and appreciation would be nice once in awhile (so, so much energy and supportiveness going out, very little coming back ) — but attention makes me self-conscious and uneasy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Regular Commenter

      I should comment more regularly !! — ask for external affirmation, go to office and receive notice of major promotion. πŸ™‚
      So far, a happy new year! (** immediately looks into booking a fab holiday **)

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Lurkertype

    BTW, SOMEONE bought me a Dublin membership (looks meaningfully at this group), so Thanks!

    Or possibly “Thanks?” since now it’s another year of Mandatory Mount TBR. πŸ™‚

    I hadn’t checked my email for a week or so, so I was most puzzled when the top one was from Dublin regarding hotel reservations, but I figured it out farther down.

    Like

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