Cattimothy House Security Policy Has Been Updated

A message from our Legal and Compliance Department:

Dear User/Subscriber/Stranger/Prisoner

Due to the recent legislative changes in the European Union (a body not recognised by our founder and CEO, Timothy the Talking Cat), we have made several changes to our security policy.

These changes affect the following categories of people:

  • Subscribers to “Timothy’s Big Fun List of Hate Mail”.
  • Members of the “Timothy Random Insult Club”.
  • Enlistees in the “Army of Liberation of Pogles Wood from the Clutches of Squirrels”.
  • Prisoner of Wars from the above-mentioned war to liberate Pogles Wood from the Clutches of Squirrels.
  • The electoral register of Plinkwence-Upon-Avon which was accidentally sent to us by the local dry cleaners.
  • Amazon subscribers (the river not the online hegemony company).
  • Subscribers to Timothy’s defunct You-Tube channel “Tim Talk”.
  • Mrs Sandra Benchwright of Lower Cheadle-Under-Lyme.
  • Members of the UN Security Council.

Our change in policy means that we will no longer:

  • Post lists of your names and misdeeds as a notice in the town square.
  • Maintain in a dark basement a wall with your photographs joined together with lines of red twine, with some faces circled in red marker and others defaced with a huge question mark.
  • Send you unsolicited hairballs.
  • Sell your personal details to the highest bidder on the so-called “intellectual dark web”.
  • Sell your personal details to the lowest bidder on the so-called “intellectual dark web”.
  • Use your personal details and photographs to make a customised version of the popular children’s board game “Guess Who”.
  • Broadcast your name and address into the galactic ether as “bait” for alien civilisations and specifically not broadcast a message saying “Come and get these guys, you can feast on their brains.”
  • Enrol your names as fake constituents in general elections in Belgium.
  • Set up fake Facebook profiles using personal details and setting your personal interests to “I Love Vladimir Putin”.
  • Leak your details to Julian Assange claiming that they are the names of a worldwide secret conspiracy to bring Pogles Wood back to broadcast television.
  • Write your names in blood on parchment made from the skin of a thrice-cursed onion and then burn each name in an unholy fire in a tribute to N’nfarlap the Unspeakable.
  • Type your names into a spreadsheet but then sort by surname without highlighting the other columns first and ferflipssake all the data is now garble, quick click undo, no that’s made it worse, NO don’t save, now we’ll never fix it.

To agree to this new policy you need only respond to the personal email you will be sent.

Apologies to customers who have either found themselves imprisoned as part of our on-going legal difficulties with squirrels, kidnapped by aliens, or become the zombie extensions of the will of N’nfarlap the Unspeakable.

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