Tim’s Facial Hair Guide to Infinity War

So, I’ve explained before that Timothy doesn’t distinguish human faces well. He is also confused by facial hair. OK strictly speaking he is confused by human skin, which he assumes is fur and hence is doubly confused by facial hair which he thinks is fur that is growing out of fur. Look, the main thing is he finds beards confusing and panics if I shave.

So, Marvel’s Infinity War has many characters and about 40%+ of them have facial hair (90%+ if we count eyebrows – do eyebrows count as facial hair? I assume so.) Some of them i.e. Captain America have gained beards for this film.

So to assist Tim to keep track, here is a field guide to various beard styles in the film. They divide into two groups:

  • Team Neat Beard. Mainly characters who use scholarship, magic or technology.
  • Team Let it Grow Where it Will: Mainly fighters.

Best Beard? I like Wong’s minimalist beard but you can’t beat Idris Elba’s sheer masculinity of a beard – even though it is only a cameo of a beard in the film.

Worst beard? Chris Pratt’s beard is part styled and part scruffy and sits in an uncanny valley of beardedness. Sebastian Stan’s Bucky has more of a just-hasn’t-had-a-shave beard which looks fine but was a pain to try and draw.

Did I miss anybody? (Rocket Racoon doesn’t count.)


17 thoughts on “Tim’s Facial Hair Guide to Infinity War

    1. What is more, Captain America’s beard turns out to be the missing Infinity Stone. And together, all of the superhero beards combine into a giant bearded robot that proceeds to kick the crap out of Thanos. The sequel will be called Avengers: Revenge of the Beards.

      Oh no, now I’ve really spoiled it, haven’t I?

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  1. I like my beards (er, not “my” beards, I’ve never had one) all joined-up and neatly trimmed, so I’d have to vote for Thor’s.

    Agree that Star Lord’s is the worst but that suits him. I wonder why Wong even bothers.

    The “basically punches things” vs. “magic or tech” divides more neatly if you consider the grooming of the mustache part. That puts Black Panther into the latter category; Wakanda has tech and BP ate the magic ancestral flower to get strength.

    You could do a Venn diagram where BP is the intersection!

    What of the beard appearing in the post-credits scene? Also seems to fit this dichotomy.

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    1. I left that specific beard out because of spoiler-potential. BP definite intersection of beards there – which confirms the theory.

      Of course neither Spider-Man, Banner, Vision or Loki have beards ( nor any of the women)

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      1. Mr. -kitteh is correct; goatees and beards a’plenty on the heroes here. Don’t recall the villains having beards since Iron Man 1. Another proof we’re in the mirror universe. With void crabs.

        That makes this the opposite/alternate universe from Star Trek. Which is shown by the fact that this movie has All The Chrises *except* Chris Pine aka NuKirk.

        We’ve confirmed a lot of theories here!

        Avengers: Infinity Chrises (almost)

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