Avast! And Splice the Epub Me Hearties! Pirates Off the Starboard iBook!

So 2018 has so far been a strange year for the Felapton brand, aside from a being a Hugo finalist, being reported to the Federal Police for running a blog and not forgetting being accused of secretly lecturing in philosophy in Aberdeen, I’ve now been pirated!

The Apple iBooks store has two version of The Felapton Digest available. One is the correct one distributed by Smashwords and is free. The other is…I’m not sure, I haven’t looked inside it because whoever is selling it is charging $39.99!

Not only have I been pirated but I have been done so by time travellers – or ‘Time Bandits’ as they are known.

And, and they’ve even added an extra typo! “n exciting” instead of “An exciting”. What the flip Time Bandits! I enjoyed your antics on film but don’t steal my book!

I wrote to Apple, and I kid you not (this is the honest truth), THEY replied with an excellent typo:

Hell,

Thank you for contacting iTunes Provider Support, my name is [Name removed – CF] and I will be assisting you today.

Thank you for letting us know regarding your book and for taking the time to explain the situation. iTunes Provider Support is available for providers that are trying to publish and/or manage their books. Rest assured, I’ll be pointing you in the right direction to address your issue.

 

To submit a claim of alleged infringement for a title that you feel is available for download on the iBooks Store without authorization, use the iBooks Store Content Dispute form.

Upon your submission, we will investigate the matter accordingly.

​Explore Resources and Help on iTunes Connect to get answers to frequently asked questions, watch video tutorials, stay up to date with the latest news, and more.

If you need further assistance, you may reply to this email or call us directly at 877-206-2092. Support hours of operation are 7:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Pacific time, Monday through Friday.

If you have additional questions related to this request, please reference case number 100507479688.

If I have not touched on your concern, please reply with clarification.

Best regards,

[Name removed – CF]
Apple Inc.

The iBooks Store Content Dispute form is an initially friendly and then a big scary quasi-legal thing. It ends with a check box:

By checking this box, I represent that the information in this submission is accurate and swear under penalty of perjury that I am the owner, or agent authorized to act on behalf of the owner, of the rights that are allegedly infringed. I have good faith belief that the disputed use is not authorized by the intellectual property owner, its agent, or the law.

“under penalty of perjury” – zoiks!

[ETA – the automated form wrote back:

**This is an automated response; please do not reply.**

Dear Camestros,

Thank you for using our web form to submit your claim. We acknowledge receipt and will process your claim shortly. Upon processing, we will contact you further, as well as contacting the content provider if appropriate.

Please understand that we have a high volume of complaints at this time and are delayed in processing. Duplicate submissions will not expedite your matter and may in fact delay the processing of your claim.

Um, I don’t care how busy you are – I’m not asking a favour of iBooks or requesting goods, I’m asking them to stop stealing stuff.

“Oh no a burglar in my house! Get out you fiend!”

“Thank you for your request to [select option: put down stolen stuff/leave house/stop breaking that window/wearing that vase as a hat] but we are currently recieving a high volume of complaints to ‘stop breaking into people’s houses’ and we are delayed in complying. Duplicate screams/crimes for help/threatening me with a poker will not expedite the matter and may in fact delay the procssing of your claim”

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