Courtesy of Timothy the Talking Cat.
Opening music. These are the lyrics I made up but halfway through I had to sing them in my head because of the shush-shush noises. They go like this:
Snoke, Snoke, Snokity,
Snokity, Snoke, Snoke,
Snoke, Snoke, Snokity,
Snokity, Snoke, Snoke,
And wham! We are back into the action. Oh boy! Supreme Leader Snoke has got that darned Resistance cornered. Will he manage to wipe them out this time? You’d think so but this is a middle movie in a trilogy and that means SET BACKS for our hero.
[CF: if you can make sense of this there may be spoilers below. So not recommended if you haven’t watched the film]
Ha, ha, run little mice! They think they’ve got away when uh-oh here comes my personal dreamboat: General Hux. Hux by name and Hux by nature. He’s the red-head who knows how to wear a black trenchcoat with STYLE. Can he catch the terrorists before they get away and blow up another planet? I do hope so but it’s early in the movie.
The rebels attack after using a cowardly trick and blow up a big ship. Luckily Hux isn’t on that ship, so he’s OK. But he is in such big trouble with Snoke! But they love each other really. I wrote this poem about them:
Snoke and Hux sitting on the throne,
Pals, together they’ll never be alone,
Snoke may be wrinkly,
Hux may be tall,
But they’ll catch the rebels and probably kill them all.
I think in the end that’s what Star Wars is all about: finding friends in unusual places. Friendship looks beyond the surface. Friendship doesn’t care if you are some giant hologram of a corpse-like psychic monster and your friend looks like Ron Weasley’s brother cosplaying as a Nazi. And yeah, you’ll have arguments and falling outs – whether it is about whose turn it was to empty the litter tray, or who forgot who’s birthday, or who let the Resistance blow up the enormous Space Dreadnought. Friendship goes beyond that and friends FORGIVE each other even if one friend set fire to all the furniture in a plum pudding accident on Christmas Day. Friends let bygones be bygones and look on the bright side, such as Boxing day sales for new lounges.
Case in point. Turns out: guess who forgives who? Did you guess Snoke forgives Hux? YOU ARE RIGHT! Besties once again. Hux was just PLAYING with the Resistance. Sure, I find it disappointing that they didn’t just cast a cat to play Hux rather than mess about with all this cat-like subtext. Yeah, we get it! Hux is a top-notch alpha cat strutting his cat stuff across the galaxy. You don’t just kill your prey – you let them think they can get away and then POUNCE while pulling irritable faces at everybody.
Uh-oh, it is MARY SUE time. Yeah, I get they are there to sell toys but without them, this film would be great art. But no, it’s DISNEY and that means a whiny concession to the teeny-boppers. Yup, its (gag) Kylo Mary-Sue Ren.
What does Snoke see in this obvious authorial insert? Does he wear black as stylishly as Hux? Is he as handsome as Hux? Nope. This guy does nothing for most of the movie other than talking to some rebel woman on an island full of feathery Easter Eggs.
I was getting mightly sick of Kylo Ren, for most of the film. Hux is doing his utmost to chase the terrorists down and this guy spends his time with his shirt off on Skype to his “finger quotes” girlfriend “finger quotes”. I was hoping Hux would just chuck him out of the airlock. Then things went off in a surprising direction.
OK – spoiler time. If you are a big Snoke fan and haven’t seen the movie.
Turns out – Kylo ‘Oh I’m So Perfect’ Ren is a traitorous traitor! Zoiks! I did NOT see that twist coming.
He kills Snoke (or does he? I think Snoke maybe just be pretending.) just to show off!
DAMN YOU KYLO REN!
Then he lies to Hux about it and blames his “finger quotes” girlfriend “finger quotes”. Pathetic.
But you know what? You know who still manages to keep pursuing those evil terrorists even after Snoke gets murdered? Hux, that’s who. You know who still manages to organise a planetary invasion even after his flagship gets blown in two by the nice lady from Jurrasic Park? Hux, that’s who. You know who has the common sense to organise a GREAT BIG EFF-OFF CANNON to blow up the doors of the rebel base? Hux, that’s who.
If you’ve rebels in your system,
Just call General Hux,
If the Jedi keep resistin’
Just call General Hux.
- Start of the movie: big Resistance base with lots of Resistance Rebels and fighters and spaceships.
- End of the movie: a handful of rebels running away on the Millimetre Falcon.
You know who got that done? General Frickin’ Hux.
Still, despite all his efforts remember the rules of the movie game! This is a trilogy and that means the middle movie is full of setbacks. Sure, Hux did his bad-ass best but some of those darn rebels got away to cause trouble elsewhere. Even worse for Hux, his good-pal BFF (best force-wielding friend) Snoke is “finger quotes” dead “finger quotes” and (gag) Kylo “Look at my Manly Nipples” Ren is claiming to be the Supreme Leader.
Best Star Wars movie yet? Nope. It could hardly beat the upbeat fun of The Empire Strikes Back, never mind the stunning conclusion to the original saga: The Revenge of the Sith in which the Sith get their revenge for the Return of the Jedi.
So, sure, I get the pushback from some quarters against this movie. It doesn’t have upbeat fun we’d get if all the rebels got disintegrated from orbit! But REMEMBER there is still another movie to go! If they killed off all the rebels and showed Hux vindicated and recognised for the tip-top general that he is then there would be nothing left for episode 9.
So I’m taking the lows in anticipation of the highs of the final installment in 2019 aka “Star Wars: Revenge of the Huxsnoke!”