Final Edifice: By Timothy the Talking Cat & Straw Puppy

WOOOOOSSSHH! Cold open before theme music:

Flashback: Twenty+ Chapters Ago. Location – the lonesome homestead of Chiseled McEdifice on the far prairie plains of the Grassland Planet of Steppe.

Chuck the Pony lies on the ground. To all intents and purposes, he looks dead. In the distance, a cloud of dust marks the journey of McEdifice on his bicycle, off to exact revenge on the Treerat Gang.

A broad manly shadow covers Chuck.

“How you feeling buddy?” says a familiar voice.

Chuck opens his eyes. “I’ve felt better. Is the operation GO?” asks Chuck.

Above him in full mech-suit battle auto-armour is Chiseled McEdifice.

“The operation is GO. You did good. It’s all up to him now.”

See? I said Chuck wasn’t dead, we the authors explain to you the surprised reader who doubted our reassurances in Chapter 1.

Cue: THEME MUSIC! Da, da, da, da, etc etc etc.

WOOOSSHHHH!

And, we are back on Draculon 6 in the big spooky cathedral. Popwhistle Prince of Darkness & Gantt Charts is there, The Demon-Haunted Urn of Besty Darkshadow is there (currently Queen of the Space Vampires), Commander Clench is there, the forces of Qzrixian Military Intelligence are there (Noz Feratu, Qzrrzxxzq & ScanScan the Dancing Photocopier Man), a whole bunch of vampires are there, Chiseled McEdifice is there and they are staring at the newcomer: none other than CHISLEDMcEDIFICE!

“Why act so surprised?” says the new Chiseled McEdifice, “The clue was in the title all along! I am the real Chiseled McEdifice and I have returned.”

“But if you are Chiseled McEdifice,” says McEdifice, “then who am I?”

“Good question,” answers McEdifice, “You are an eCyberHuman called Chipmunk McEmphasis. You were created to look just like me in…Darn, I can’t remember. Tim when did Chipmunk appear?”

From out of the shadows steps TIMOTHY THE TALKING CAT wearing the uniform of the Psychic SWAT Mercenaries. “Hmmm, Chipmunk appeared in the Bumper McEdifice Annual Christmas Special – Chapter 3: Never Trust an eCyberHuman or their Tricksy Ways.”

“That’s right,” says Straw Puppy also stepping out of the shadows, “Tim and I (but mainly me) helped McEdifice stop Chipmunk taking over the Psychic Swat Mercenaries. Later Chipmunk saw the error of his ways. You see the eCyberHumans had been just a little too clever in creating a fake McEdifice. Chipmunk was so close to the real thing that he ended up with all McEdifice’s commitment to fighting evil in all its forms.”

“Wait!” said Chiseled/Chipmunk, “I’ve found a hidden directory in my brain files and oh my golly gosh, you are right! I am an eCyberHuman! This explains my natural affinity to fax machines!”

“This is all irrelevant!” cried Popwhistle, “Whether there is one McEdifice or two the situation hasn’t changed at all! You are still trapped in a spooky cathedral fall of vampires?”

“Oh really?” says McEdifice, raising one eyebrow but you probably can’t see that because he has his helmet on obviously, “Psychic SWAT Mercenaries – reveal yourselves!”

All around the cathedral, the many, many vampires pulled off masks and threw away their spooky capes to reveal: THE MASSED FORCES OF THE Psychic SWAT Mercenaries! They had infiltrated the cathedral had been bumping off the vampires one by one very, very stealthily while everybody had been talking.

“OK, that does change a few things,” conceded Popwhistle, “but you are still trapped on Draculon 6 with the whole massed might of the Space Vampire Empire at its peak!”

“Right this minute the combined space navies of the galaxy are exiting warp right above the planet,” explained McEdifice.

“But, but that’s impossible,” countered Popwhistle, “Our warp defence shield prevents enemy starships warping into the system! Only a senior member of the Space Vampire Empire Royal Family could lower those shields! And I KNOW I didn’t!”

“Checkmate Popwhistle,” said the spooky voice from the urn containing the ashes of Besty Darkshadow.

“Whattttt????” said Popwhistle incredulously.

“Oh come now,” said Betsy,” You can’t seriously believe that I would betray Chiseled McEdifice!”

“Well, obviously I could believe that! Your whole relationship is a paradigm of dysfunctionality! As far as I can see that egotistical cat and sociopathic hay-bail only include you so that they can repeatedly kill you off so that the big behelmeted lummox can emote at things. Frankly, that is not a sound basis for a healthy marriage!” said Popwhistle with a note of exasperation.

“Well I guess your vampire brain just couldn’t fathom the human emotion that we call love!” said Commander Clench, “You see we had this figured out back in book 7 of McEdifice & Darkshadow Detective Agency/Psychic SWAT Mercenaries. Off-screen, so to speak, Betsy agreed to go deep undercover to help stop the Space Vampire menace once and for all.”

“Chipmunk then agreed to wipe his memories that he really wasn’t Chiseled McEdifice,” explained Straw Puppy, “Allowing the real McEdifice to take the Psychic SWAT Mercanries into hiding. That way the Space Vampires would think McEdifice had really retired.”

“Exactly SP!” said Timothy, “With McEdifice retired, we knew that the Space Vampires would reveal their secret plans but they wouldn’t realise that Betsy was actually a double agent.”

“Zoiks!” said Popwhistle and suddenly he pointed to the back of the cathedral and shouted, “Oh My Gosh! Watch out everybody there is a squirrel!”

Everybody turned and opened fire but it was only a vampire rabbit which flew off pretty damn quickly I can tell you.

“Damn!” said Straw Puppy,”Popwhistle escaped in the confusion!”

“Never mind him,” said McEdifice, “There will be plenty of time to catch him later.”

“Well this was all very surprising,” says Qzrrzxxzq, “I think you could have told us your plan.”

“Sorry,” said Commander Clench,”The operation was on a strict need to know basis. We couldn’t risk Betsy with any kinds of leaks.”

“I’m feeling disorientated,” says Chipmunk McEmphasis, “What am I going to do now?”

“Your life is your choice,” said Betsy, “but if we’ve learnt one thing today it is that love can conquer ANY adversity.”

“Oh my! You are right!” said Chipmunk and he then ran into the arms of ScanScan the Dancing Photocopier Man.

Everybody cheered as they gave each other a great big kiss!

“Hooray!” said everybody.

~The End~