McEdifice Returns: Chapter Man Pain Back Story


McEdifice Returns: The Origin of Betsy

T.T.T.Cat & S.Puppy

“It is I, Betsy, the demonically possessed funeral urn of your ex-wife! I have done all this to reclaim you to be my king! Chiseled McEdifice – King of the Space Vampires!” she said, her voice echoing around the cathedral

“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!” cried McEdifice – looking older and more careworn and yet still her McEdifice. The man she had cheated even death to find.

When they first met he was nothing more than Private Corporal Specialist Chiselled McEdifice of Tango Squadron, Fifth Phalanx of the Space-Navy Space- SEALS. Exhausted and dejected after Tango Squadron’s mission against the eCyberHumans had led to huge losses of his comrades after a secret infiltration by Space Vampires [see ‘The Dead Tell No Secrets of the Dead’ There Will Be Walrus First Volume V], Betsy had helped McEdifice re-find his Phalanx while McEdifice had helped her old Grandpappy fight off the corrupt rancher who was trying to steal his land.

After he flew off that first time, she never expected to see him again [see ‘Chapter 17: Here Comes McEdifice’ Straw Puppy and Timothy in Space fight the Space Aliens and Win: Book 4 – Outer Space Big War Again] but had valiantly got on with her life. She put aside any thought of meeting him again – for McEdifice was married to the Space-Navy Space- SEALS and wasn’t the kind of man to settle down with a giant space-oppossum rancher’s grand daughter.

Yet fate was destined to throw them together [see ‘Chapter 32: Farewell McEdifice’ Straw Puppy and Timothy in Space fight the Space Aliens and Win: Book 6 – Oh Boy! Space Battles!] when McEdifice decided to take up giant  space-oppossum ranching and leave behind his life of fighting and vampire slaying.

All that would come to an end when the Andorrian Space Plague hit. McEdifice was forced to leave the planet in a desperate search for a cure [see McEdifice 1 – His First Solo Adventure] only to return an hour too late! The plague had struck and the antidote was ineffective once the victim had passed through the purple spot phase. Tragically, Betsy had died that day.

Or had she?

No, actually she hadn’t! Little had Betsy realized but in fact the woman who had died of the plague was a psychically linked clone of Betsy! The real Betsy was in a stasis chamber in the space castle of the evil scientist Doctor Millicent Malpractice [see issue 6 McEdifice Solo Adventures Volume 5]  where she was being kept as a potential bargaining chip so that Doctor Malpractice could force McEdifice into fighting the Cosmic DragonBeast of the Cake Nebula.

Once again reunited [see issue 36 McEdifice Solo Adventures Volume 5] the happy couple decided to settle on Backwater 19 – the quiet planet of the Flyover Quadrant. The destruction of Backwater 19 by the telepathic twin of the Cosmic DragonBeast left McEdifice devastated by the loss of Betsy – doubly so as it happened two day before their wedding day [see  Chapter 4 of Horrific Tales of the Cosmic DragonBeast – An Anthology].

That Betsy had both escaped the destruction of the planet and lost her memory and joined the SMOSHQ (Secret Marxist Organization for Spying Headquarters) was not discovered until two standard galactic years later [see most of Straw Puppy and Timothy in Space fight the Space Aliens Commies and Win: Book 19 – It is Us Against the Space Commies!] Beautiful but deadly, Betsy (or as she was now known Betsina aka the ‘Scorpius the Assassin’) found her deep seated love for McEdifice triumphed over her highly advanced spy training and dialectic materialist ideology.

Taking on a new role as head of security and personal assistant to McEdifice, Betsy took on her new persona of Betsina Darkshadow. Together, she and McEdifice formed the crime fighting duo at the heart of McEdifice & Darkshadow Detective Agency [see  McEdifice & Darkshadow Detective Agency: Book 1 – The Caractacus Caper] As Betsina Darkshadow she helped former Chief Sergeant Flight Commander Chiselled McEdifice solve psychic crimes, protect the weak and uphold the law. Finally tired of karate-kicking bad guys while wearing high heels, Betsina changed her name back to Betsy and she and McEdifice finally got married [see McEdifice & Darkshadow Detective Agency: The Final Volume – Happily Ever After!]

Her tragic death due to a hand-gliding accident [see chapter 1 McEdifice & Darkshadow Detective Agency/Psychic SWAT Mercenaries  Book 1- Back & Ready For Action] would spur McEdifice on in his quest for an improved regulatory framework for hand-gliding safety. Not a book would go by without McEdifice mourning the loss of his dear Betsy and the urn containing her ashes would feature prominently in the second chapter of books 2 to 5 of McEdifice & Darkshadow Detective Agency/Psychic SWAT Mercenaries which just goes to show what a sensitive guy McEdifice is.

And that would have been it for Betsy if it weren’t for the intervention of the demon Demonicus who brought her back to semi-life as an undead shade [see Straw Puppy and Timothy in Space fight the Space Aliens Commies Spooks and Win: Book 23 – Halloween In Space!] After Demonicus was defeated Betsy rejoined the McEdifice & Darkshadow Detective Agency as a haunted funeral urn [see book 6 of McEdifice & Darkshadow Detective Agency/Psychic SWAT Mercenaries] only to disappear mysteriously at the end of book 7 of McEdifice & Darkshadow Detective Agency/Psychic SWAT Mercenaries.

In fact, Betsy had discovered that she was in reality the half-human grandchild of the demon Demonicus because – get this, because this will blow your minds as a revelation – Grandpappy the space opposum rancher was ACTUALLY DEMONICUS ALL ALONG! Ha! I Bet you didn’t see THAT coming. Oh boy what a twist!

With Demonicus dead [see Straw Puppy and Timothy in Space fight the Space Aliens Commies Spooks and Win: Book 23 – Halloween In Space!] Betsy was now a Princess of the Demon Dimension! With her new found status she had made herself Queen of the Space Vampires! Oh my gosh, yes.

“Has our whole relationship been a lie?” asked McEdifice, as Betsy finished recounting this backstory in the cathedral just so everybody could catch up.

“No McEdifice! I still love you its just that I’m now the most powerful demonic entity in this dimension! Our wedding vows are a sacred compact, Chiseled. You must join me as my husband and BECOME KING OF THE SPACE VAMPIRES!”

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” said McEdifice.


6 thoughts on “McEdifice Returns: Chapter Man Pain Back Story

      1. Hmmmm.. and Boney M had that pop hit “Rah Rah Rasputin, lover of the Space Vampire Queen.” This is all coming together quite nicely, in a dialectic sort of way.

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  1. Ha! I misread title as “Man’s Back Pain” and wondered if that meant McEdifice had been drafted into moving heavy furniture into offices of Felapton Towers’ spooky new tenant, scrappy independent media startup “” (emoluments clause be damned!) For alert readers, was definite foreshadowing of futurist soviet timeline in McEdifice and The Kommissar: Gulags Gone Wild – The Urge to Purge. Special limited edition series with bonus kompromat scenes on novelty VHS tape. Clue was when character Scan-Scanovich Platenovsky’s beeped : “Замятие бумаги в третьей зоне. Смерть бегущих собак капитализма.”

    “Nyyyeeeeeeeeeetttttt ! ! ! ! ”

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      1. Go to the park with a basket full of toadstools and mold. Sit on the bench by the triceratops with the propeller beanie and set your basket next to hers. Do not make eye contact or acknowledge each other in any way. After ten minutes, you will hear the propellers start to whir and the triceratops will depart taking with her your fungi fee. The next issue of the newsletter will be left for you in the tricera-basket. Beware of Bulgarians with sharp-tipped umbrellas. The next exchange will take place during a high-speed scooter chase in Biarritz. Wear pastels.

        This message will self-destruct in…. 4…3… 2 …. (spore explosion)

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