McEdifice Returns – A Novel
By Timothy ‘America’s Greatest Living Cat of Letters’ the Talking Cat and Straw ‘My Friends Totally Told Me they Nominated Me for Pulizer’ Puppy.
Good evening dear readers, it is I, Timothy the Talking Cat. For each journey there is a destination and for each destination there is a journey and in each journey before one reaches that destination there comes a point where that destination, though not reached, becomes manifest in the course of the journey – when one apprehends that the drawing near of the destination and hence the end of the journey is approaching. Dear readers, you have followed our tale thus far and the chapter before you is NOT the end of our journey but merely a harbinger of the end. I shall let Straw Puppy explain…
Good evening dear readers, it is I, Straw Pups, currently wondering what a hair-binger is? Somebody who binges on hair? Reader, close your eyes and listen to my voice! Imagine a blood red sky, a wind blowing across a lake of blood that sounds half like a howl of pain and half like a moan of ecstasy. Around you are gothic spires, semi-ruined cathedrals, haunted castles perched precariously on cliff edges, frightened unkempt villages, ghastly space ports occupied by coffin shaped shuttle rockets, administrative buildings shaped like, um, um, spooky office buildings, bodies impaled on spikes, spikes impaled on bodies. Oh the whole place is blood and scary but also kind of sexy but not in away that is too kinky because we’d like the movie version to be rated PG-13(US)/12(UK)/M(Aus) – we can probably fine tune it by adding some swear words if it gets too close to PG (which would be just lame). Anyhoo, it is your imagination so you can make it as freaky as you like just don’t tell Timothy as he can get a bit squeamish.
DRACULON 6! The Vampire Planet! Yes, you heard me right! It is a planet FULL of vampires! Permanent cloud cover from its blood red clouds means that the vampires had no need to fear the caustic beams of the local sun. Surrounded by vampire friendly architecture and like, just LOADS of crypts and spooky places! The only non-vampires? Frightened villages, kept alive purely for sport! You think you would last FIVE MINUTES in this place? No way, José!
- ScanScan – the dancing photocopier man. His powers: interdimensional travel, Bolshoi level classical ballet dancing, can print, scan, photocopy and fax in a wide range of standard paper sizes including international A series A5 to A2, B series and US standards. Combat role: Transport and evac.
- Qzrrzxxzq – alien anthropologist, glamorous Director of Post-planning Process at Spindle, Spindle and Gatefold and reservist in her home planet’s special forces. Her powers: qualitative research and academic writing in the humanities, business administration, some kind of freaky alien Krav-Maga like fighting style. Combat role: intelligence and field support.
- Chiseled McEdifice – Veteran Space Marine, detective and vampire hunt, former leader of Darkshadow Detective Agency/Psychic SWAT Mercenaries. Powers: awesome at everything. Combat role: KICKING VAMPIRE ASS.
That was the team and here they were on Draculon 6 with no weapons and no backup and ONE mission: to find out what the flipping heck was going on!
“Here is the plan,” said McEdifice commandingly, “ScanScan you stay bunkered down here in this empty crypt where we are currently hiding and which we already secured and which is vampire free and which we have already ascertained isn’t currently being used by vampires.”
“Ready to accept next job!” said ScanScan obligingly, he eyes lingering softly and McEdifices firm muscles.
“Good man! Qzrrzxxzq, I need you to stay with ScanScan. He is our only route out of here and I need somebody I can trust to watch his six.”
“Damn it, McEdifice, you can’t do this alone!” said Qzrrzxxzq, “but I can’t abandon ScanScan!”
“Trust me Qzrrzxxzq, it is better this way. I can move quickly and silently and ScanScan needs his toner cartridge replacing. He can’t walk the distance needed!” explained McEdifice.
With that, McEdifice stepped out of the crypt.
“Please replace toner cartridge.” said ScanScan mournfully.
“I feel the same way,” said Qzrrzxxzq with a sigh.
Despite the fractured tombstones, impaling stakes, and writhing dead bodies, the going was smooth and McEdifice made quick time. His target was a massive central command cathedral that set amid a inch-deep lake of mirror like blood. McEdifice’s finely tuned vampire hunting sense told him that this was the epicenter of all Space Vampire activity. Vampire HQ if you will.
His mission was simple. Infiltrate the HQ. Gather intel. Kill any vampires that got in his way.
The great gates to the entrance of the cathedral stood open. Here on Draculon 6, the space vampires had no need for guards!
cat puppy like reflexes, he snuck into the cathedral, his sense tingling with the scent of vampire spoors. With his bare hands he pulled the legs of a near by stool and quickly fashioned them into razor sharp anti-vampire stakes – one for each hand and one spare (it was a three-legged stool rather than a four-legged stool which I think I’d call a chair rather than a stool I guess. I think a stool has three legs by definition).
Suddenly the massive cathedral doors closed with a clang! Around him the cathedral cloisters echoed with the laughter of hundreds of SPACE VAMPIRES.
Oh my gosh! It was a trap!
One very dapper vampire stepped out from behind a profaned altar.
“Welcome, Chiseled McEdifice, we’ve been expecting you!” said the vampire.
McEdifice said nothing but tightened his grip on the stakes.
“And by ‘we’ I mean your old friends – The TREERAT GANG!” laughed the vampire.
From out of the nave stepped the members of the Treerat Gang, still in the space army uniforms but now in a sort of more punk-sexy sort of way because they were obviously all now vampires.
“So it was the Treerat Gang who was behind all this all along.” said McEdifice still pretty damn cross at them for the following reasons:
- Shooting at his head
- Killing Chuck the Pony (don’t worry he isn’t really dead)
- Sabotaging Simon the Bicycle (sadly Simon is definitely dead)
- Putting hallucinogenic drugs on the handlebars of the Simon
- Being all round bad people
“Oh no,” said a different voice. Out from the shadows stepped Commander Clench of Intergalactic Space Navy Marine Corp.
“Commander Clench, my old nemesis!” said McEdifice, “So you turned traitor and vampire. Despite everything I thought you had more integrity than that! It was you behind this all along.”
“Hmm,” said Commander Clench, holding something behind his back, “No to all of those point, I don’t have more integrity, I’m not a traitor, I haven’t turned vampire and I wasn’t behind this all along. No, you see, delivering you to the Space Vampires was part of my officially sanctioned mission by the Galactic Government to broker a peace treaty. The supreme leader of the Space Vampires wanted just one thing – you and they knew exactly how to get you here and what your weakness was. Hmm, I should have guessed it was hippies.”
“But who? Who is this monster manipulating events!” shouted McEdifice looking around for some super-duper chief vampire.
“Who? Oh, McEdifice, she is right here!” and with that Commander Clench revealed what he was holding – a funeral urn!
“No! It can’t be!” sobbed McEdifice, “She went missing in McEdifice & Darkshadow Detective Agency/Psychic SWAT Mercenaries (MDDAPSWATM) Book 7: Crisis on the Space Orient Express!”
“Oh but it is!” said a spooky voice echoing from the urn, “It is I, Betsy, the demonically possessed funeral urn of your ex-wife! I have done all this to reclaim you to be my king! Chiseled McEdifice – King of the Space Vampires!”