McEdifice Returns: Chapters are just another way the man tries to control us


McEdifice Returns will help you embrace your inner space travel and expand your perspective of the universe. Written and researched by Dr Timothy the Talking Cat and Professor of Thought-Expansion Straw Puppy M.D.

The story so far: woah, like really freaky colours everywhere for a while man.

[Previous notebook is not available.]
Journal Entry. Field Officer Qzrrzxxzq
Day 37 since the dimensional distortion event.

The wig and shapeless clothes seem to be an effective disguise if we stay in urban areas. The region of this planet we are on has recently developed a youth subculture that values garish clothes and non-standard hair styles. While neither I nor ScanScan are adept at imitating their style of dress or mode of speech, older people adhering to societal norms naturally assume we are part of the said sub-culture.

ScanScan has taken to wearing a poncho, a military cap and a fake beard.

We have visited seven different cults based on the leads we received at the wormhole exit point. We know McEdifice was adopted by a group of youths who assumed he was a visitor from another planet. This was perceptive of them, although genetic testing of the inhabitants suggests that they are human-basic within normal variation.

Our last visit (see entry 32) was to an obvious fraud named “Smith” who claimed to be a “Martian” (a nearby planet). Even using the limited telemetry I have available it was easy to verify that the neighbouring planet is a lifeless icy desert with barely any atmosphere. In addition this “Smith” seemed to be under the influence of a very creepy lawyer who liked to show off how he could boss his three (female) personal assistants around. Not as weird as that other guru who turned out to be a science fiction author with a boat obsession, but in neither case the cult we were looking for.

Yet the visit was not a total waste. They had heard of a different “guru” also assumed to be an alien who was apparently heading to some sort of cultural gathering. ScanScan and I are making our way there in a transport device known as a “VW Kombi”.

ScanScan has successfully assimilated the ansible projector and his dimensional abilities (developed from attempts to make images of the intersection of his legs and torso) are improving. However, he is concerned that there were temporal anomalies as well as spatial ones in our journey. For the moment we are using mundane transport.

The journey has largely been uneventful and so far I have only stunned and memory wiped eight members of local law enforcement.

Journal Entry. Field Officer Qzrrzxxzq
Day 38 since the dimensional distortion event.

We have reached the settlement of Bethel in a polity called “Sullivan County, New York” and have ascertained the location of the event where we think McEdifice might be. It is an agricultural area known as Max Yasgur’s Farm. Unfortunately roads are congested with other vehicles heading to the same location. Rain has made the ground muddy and ScanScan is concerned about dampness. However, tonight I have resolved to abandon our vehicle and make our way by foot.

Journal Entry. Field Officer Qzrrzxxzq
Day 39 since the dimensional distortion event.

As far as I can ascertain our current location is an urban centre called ‘Manchester’. I can confirm now that we are moving in time as well as space. Possibly we have shifted to another reality as this one appears to have been drained of much of its colour. Sky, buildings, people all appear more grey than normal. The translator device seems to be broken as the local language is unintelligible but the device insists that it is still ‘English’.

Earlier in the day we successfully infiltrated the sub-culture festival apparently named “Woodstock”. Levels of casual nudity and psychotropic substances were higher than the cultural norms we had observed elsewhere. Our mission was simple – find the cultists who had possession of McEdifice, regain the asset and then use ScanScan’s powers to evac.

“If you are going to San Francisco, be sure to wear flowers in your hair.” sang a young man at us both. A coded message? Helpful advice? Or just frankly insulting given that I’m bald? I side stepped and made my way through the crowds of long haired youths.

At the far edge of the crowd we saw him. Surrounded by acolytes, he sat cross-legged mumbling answers to their questions.

“Place originals face side up?” asked ScanScan sceptically. I reassured him that the seated figure really was McEdifice but that his perception must have been scrambled by the journey through the vampire’s maw.

“Treaty peace office forest,” chanted McEdifice as I marched towards him. I instructed ScanScan to grab his arm but as we laid hands on him his acolytes reacted with outrage.

“Not cool man!” they shouted or words to that effect. The shouting seemed to rouse McEdifice more than our manhandling had done. He stared at me for a moment and then said, “Qzrrzxxzq?”

I reassured him that I was indeed me and explained that ScanScan and I were here to help him. At first he nodded gratefully but then he seemed to appraise his surroundings for the first time.

“Hippies?” he said, unsure of himself and then with a rising tone of panic, “hippies? Hippies??”

“Obstruction in the finishing unit!” said ScanScan. I nodded, taking a firmer grasp of McEdifice’s arm.”He finds the sight of these people alarming. We’d better get out of here ASAP ScanScan! Prepare to jump.”

ScanScan began his trans dimensional preparations but as he did so McEdifice took notice of him for the first time. Grabbing ScanScan’s fake beard, McEdifice shouted “Its Fidel Castro and he has come to steal my trousers!”

I collided with one of the acolytes, as McEdifice threw his arms around in attempt to wrestle ScanScan to the floor.

“Call the CIA!” shouted McEdifice to the horror of the people around us, “I’ve caught myself a commie!”

Luckily for us, that was sufficient to give me some breathing space to get a better grip on McEdifice, who was still clutching ScanScan’s fake beard.

“Time to jump ScanScan,” I shouted and with that space began to fold. We nearly made it but just at the moment McEdifice threw a punch at ScanScan causing a progressive ripple through hyperbolic manifold.

As the three of us were pulled into the warped space-time, I shouted back to the surrounding crowd: “This didn’t happen. It was all just some freaky drugs you took.” Then we zipped out of existence…

…to here.

ScanScan thinks we haven’t traveled far spatial or temporally and claims this is the same planet but a few years earlier. Did I misread our previous situation? Were the so-called hippies actually a set of aliens who invaded and changed this planet’s culture?

Our new location smells of burnt tree fossils and the air is borderline toxic. Everything is grey. McEdifice is lying in a heap and helpful strangers speak incomprehensibly and offer us cups of tea.

McEdifice lifts his head from the floor and stares at the grey sky above us. In the softest tone he says, “nooooooooo…”

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2 responses to “McEdifice Returns: Chapters are just another way the man tries to control us”

  1. Not as weird as that other guru who turned out to be a science fiction author with a boat obsession, but in neither case the cult we were looking for.

    *snicker* Sounds like good ol’ Elron, all right.

    Liked by 2 people

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