Tim’s Legal Updates

[Scene: a quiet evening just outside the southeast conservatory of Felapton Towers currently relocated to the former home of Doctor Morbius on Altair IV]

Timothy the Talking Cat: I’m going to sue France.

Camestros: Perhaps it is the pleasant evening weather echoing a summer that has since passed or perhaps it is this third tumbler of gin and tonic but I will release myself of my vow and humour your random context-free outburst with a response. Why are you going to sue the French government? They have deep pockets and scary French lawyers at their disposal.

Timothy: The French Government? I’m not going to sue the French Government! Why would I sue the French Government?

Camestros: But…OK, do you mean that you are going to sue the French people in general?

Timothy: I think you’ve had too much gin.

Camestros: I suspect I haven’t had enough.

Timothy: I’m going to sue FRANCE. France as the thing that is itself France. Not ‘the French’ not the French Government. Not any kind of the adjectival case of France but France strictly as a noun.

Camestros: Ah, you’ve been at the Krell machine again and given yourself a brain boost, haven’t you?

Timothy: I may have partaken a smidgen. How can you tell?

Camestros: Never mind, please continue so I can at least get some hint of what kind of monster from your id will be attacking our defences later.

Timothy: Well I was reading Plato…

Camestros: Hold on I just need to pour more gin.

Timothy: Do you not want tonic in that?

Camestros: I suspect not…

Timothy: Anyway, as you are aware this reality is but a mere shadow of a more perfect reality.

Camestros: I’m aware of the concept…

Timothy: And what we consider abstract concepts, such as a circle, are the true reality – one that we perceive but dimly as if we were enslaved being watching shadows upon a cave wall.

Camestros: Carry on Polonius, why are you suing France?

Timothy: I think you mean Plotinus, the third-century AD Neoplatonist. Polonius is the character from Hamlet.

Camestros: Oh dear…your id monster is going to be bigger than usual. But while we wait for the invisible beclawed two-footed manifestation of your squirrel-phobia, you still haven’t said why you are going to sue France.

Timothy: Well the key issue is not the government of France, or its geography, or its people but rather the paradigmatic ultimate ideal of France.

Camestros: Yes, but WHY do you want to sue France at all!

Timothy: I…oh…I mean, I wanted to sue France before I went into the machine. I was trying to find a clever way of doing it.

Mr Atomic: WARNING! WARNING! Perimeter alert!!

Camestros: OMG! That monster looks just like Steve Bannon!

[Exit pursued by Timothy’s id monster]




13 responses to “Tim’s Legal Updates”

  1. France

    le samedi, 30 septembre, 2017

    VIA squirrel-mail

    Timothy the Talking Cat, aka Timothy TT Cat, aka TTTC Cat, aka Timothy le Chat Qui Parle, aka Timothy Bannon

    Via Straw Puppy QC
    The West Wing
    Felapton Towers
    RR #5
    Fungus Town, NSW

    RE: Cease and Desist – Harassment

    Dear Sir:

    This letter serves as notice to you and your id monster immediately to cease and desist all harassing activities towards my client the historico-geographic entity currently known as France, aka La Cinquième République, aka La Ve République.

    Among your many unwanted gestures, I refer you to the time when you bombarded my client with thousands of documents and old VHS cassette tapes pretending to be Gérard Depardieu making an attempt to regain his citizenship. You sent the Ministre des Affaires sociales et de l’emploi 1848 copies of The Fountainhead with hopes of persuading them of the evils of unionized labour and long summer holidays. You gravely insulted la francophone mondiale by launching a YouTube channel in which you hire Jesse Watters to dress like a mime and throw “Freedom fries” at Antifa in the name of free speech. Your Cannes Film Festival submission consisting solely of Lego reenactments of the Battle of Agincourt wounded the nation. As recently as last week you made another in your ongoing series of mutually-contradictory threats to have your school chum, Mme May, both withdraw Great Britain from the EU while simultaneously moving its headquarters from Brussels to Barrow-on-Furness. You maliciously and with clear intent to mislead have continued to alter the nationality of Jean-Claude Van Damme on the internet encyclopedia site infogalactic to make it appear he is French.

    These and your many other actions are unwanted and are [embarrassing / annoying / aggressive / threatening / repeatedly / continuously / other – user to write in]. As a result of your harassment, my client has suffered ennui, malaise, tristesse, and no longer exhibits that certain je ne sais quoi so beloved by tourists, filmmakers, and advertising executives alike. The psychological and economic damage to my client is real and escalating.

    If you do not cease and desist this harassment, I will be forced to take appropriate legal action against you and will seek all available damages and remedies, up to and including imprisonment on the Lost Floating Island of Worldcon, where you will periodically but predictably experience SJW convergence. To help concentrate your mind, I remind you that the only food available on the island is certified organic, GMO-free, and the bottling of water is outlawed there.


    Marianne, on behalf of my client France

    Liked by 4 people

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