When seasons change the two of them like to dig out their epic space-fantasy-revenge-western-with-vampires. Here is Chapter 1.
Chiseled McEdifice: Returns – by Timothy the Talking Cat and Straw Puppy
Standing proudly before his lonesome homestead on the far prairie plains of the Grassland Planet of Steppe, Chiseled McEdifice was chopping wood. He was standing when he was chopping the wood obviously – I don’t think those two things contradict each other and I wish the beta reviewer would JUST GET OUT OF MY FACE and learn their place. Me: the author, in charge, creative genius. Them: the lowly moron who should be grateful that they get this kind of opportunity to learn from the best quite frankly. Can you chop wood sitting down? No, so what are you going on about? He is STANDING and chopping the wood and those two images do not “clash”.
Here, in this dusty retreat, McEdifice was seeking the peace his life had never given him.
“I’m just looking for peace,” he said wistfully as he stared out over the grassy plains before him.
Just then a gunshot rang out and a bullet ricocheted off his space marine helmet (he was wearing his space marine helmet obviously – look at the cover image). The HUD display flickered on in his helmet (no that isn’t ‘redundant’ I can’t just say ‘his HUD flickered on’ as that sounds perverted to me). Targeting identified a heat source 501.67 metres away to the north east.
“Enhance,” McEdifice vocalised and in some sort of cool special effect way the helmet magnified that area of his vision (with maybe a hi-tech noise like boop-ooohwushboop). It was one of the Treerat gang!
The Treerat Gang: a bunch of outlaws and pagan worshippers of the ancient demonic squirrel god. They had a lasting hate for McEdifice ever since he drove them and their filthy ways out of town and killed their leader in a shoot-out.
With one deft movement, McEdifice hoisted his wood chopper into one hand and then with a mighty flick of his elbow he sent the axe careening through the air. THUNK! it landed straight in the miscreants head who then let out an ungodly scream: “aieeeee!” and then died.
“I guess that trespasser should have axed for permission before stepping on my land.” quipped McEdifice sardonically.
Just then, McEdifice realised that the back paddock was unguarded! He ran as fast as he could but he was too late! Another outlaw had sneaked round and now was pointing a gun at McEdifice’s only friend: a lovely pony called Chuck.
“Don’t move McEdifice or the pony gets it!” said the outlaw.
“Don’t you harm a hair on that pony’s head!” said McEdifice.
“Shoot him McEdifice!” said the pony – this is in space right so it can be a talking pony I think. Probably a mutant pony or something.
“Stay calm Chuck,” said McEdifice.
“I’m just going to mosey on out of here with this here pony,” said the outlaw in that kind of accent that outlaws have in cowboy movies.
McEdifice checked his pocket and in his pocket, he found a pencil. With one deft movement he hoisted the pencil into his hand and then with one mighty flick of his elbow he launched the pencil onto a ballistic trajectory (yes I do know what that means and on this planet the gravity means it is like a straight line because that is cool) which flew straight into the outlaw’s head.
“aieeeee!” said the outlaw and then he died.
McEdifice ran over to Chuck.
“Thank God you are OK old buddy!” said McEdifice to Chuck. I guess it was obvious he was saying it to Chuck (the pony) and not the outlaw because the outlaw was not his buddy and was also very dead by now. I guess he could have said it sarcastically to the dead outlaw – that would be kind of cool if he said it in a drawl. Anyway, he didn’t do a quip at this point because I couldn’t think of one.
“I’m not OK dear friend,” said Chuck, “in the stress of the moment I caught a terminally pony-sickness and I’m now dying. Goodbye old friend, we had good times together.” and then Chuck died. Oh gosh, this is so sad.
“Noooooooo!!!!!!” said McEdifice and at that moment he swore revenge! He knew his quiet life of peace on the plains was over. He’d tried to escape the horrors of space-war but war was what he knew and it would always keep pulling him back!
Oh! I thought of a quip he could have said when he killed the second outlaw! “I guess I was quick on the draw” because he used a pencil you see. That’s what he said when he killed the outlaw – sardonically. So just imagine now I told you that earlier, OK?
Sorry about Chuck the Pony dying. Don’t be upset beta reviewer – it’s for motivation. OK, ok. Later after McEdifice goes off to get revenge, it turns out that Chuck wasn’t quite dead, he was just very, very tired from the space-mutant-pony disease and needed a long nap. He then got better but McEdifice had already left. So in the next chapter Chuck isn’t actually dead but just asleep but McEdifice thinks Chuck is dead. OK? Good.