[Timothy – swatting Camestros’s face] WAKE UP!
[Camestros] Ouch! What fricking time is it?
[Timothy] oooooh about six o’clock in the evening I guess.
[Camestros] OK, let me rephrase that: what FRICKIN time is it in THIS timezone.
[Timothy] 2:34 am the following day.
[Camestros] Good night Timothy. No, I don’t know what happend to you iPad, you probably left it behind when we ran away from those ninjas.
[Timothy] I don’t understand why we are out here in the middle of nowhere anyway. The internet is all shitty and its full of sheep.
[Camestros] Yeah well I had a thing and now we are here were we are safe and I’m very tired and it is the middle of the night and I’m going back to sleep.
[Timothy] Oh you and your ‘thing’ – well as it happens I FOUND my iPad thank you very much and something terrible has happened.
[Camestros – sitting up and turning on the bedside lamp] The Russian ninjas have found us?
[Timothy] Good grief, no. I don’t get it, why would they think you had the secret code to a ransomware scam designed to fund the development of red mercury to build a device that will re-open the secret portal connecting the Bermuda Triangle to Stonehenge anyway?
[Camestros] That was puzzling me, as well as why if they are Russian, that they are also ninjas?
[Timothy] Can we talk about me now?
[Camestros] Also I can’t decide now if I’m indluging in ethnic stereotypes by expecting ninjas to be Japanese or am I condoning cultural appropriation if I think it is OK for ninjas to be Russian? I mean should clandestine assassin martial arts disciplines have something like an appellation d’origine contrôlée label certifying that the people throwing shuriken at you are legitimately from the appropriate part of the world?
[Timothy] Can we talk about me now?
[Camestros] I mean, I don’t know for a fact that the ninjas are actually Russian – I didn’t check their passports. Maybe they are Russian speaking Japanese ninjas or maybe they are Russian nationals but ethnically Japanese?
[Camestros] All right, all right, I’m awake now and I doubt I’ll get to sleep until I’ve worked out the Russia/ninja thing. Go ahead.
[Timothy] I found my iPad.
[Camestros] Great! Well that was worth waking me up for. Good night.
[Timothy] There is more.
[Camestros] Pray, continue…
[Timothy] Well, as you know I have an extensive clientele and I was concerned tbat they would be worried that I had so suddenly dropped off the grid.
[Camestros] Look over there! I think there is a sheep!
[Timothy] What? Are you trying to distract me?
[Camestros] No, I just thought I saw…a sheep.
[Timothy] Well, I went to see how the new Hippy Frog campaign was doing.
[Camestros] Oh dear.
[Timothy] And…I’m too upset to tell you…
[Camestros] I think I already know…
[Timothy] They have DISINVITED me from their slate!
[Camestros] Um, I don’t think that is actually a thing…
[Timothy] I have been EXCLUDED, OUTCAST, DISAVOWED!
[Camestros] Technically you haven’t actually written any eligible books…
[Timothy] Excuses! They cleary removed me because of my outspoken politics!
[Camestros] I mean, I doubt they even know who you are…
[Timothy] It’s because I’m a Trump supporter!
[Camestros] …you were also briefly Hillary Clinton’s vice-presidential pick…
[Timothy] clearly, CLEARLY, I should have been nominated for my starring role in Bortsworth Quest.
[Camestros] OK, OK:
- I wrote Bortsworth Quest, not you – you are just a character IN the game.
- The Hippy Frogs aren’t going to be nominating me for anything anytime soon.
- They aren’t even called ‘Hippy Frogs’
- The category is best PC/Console video game not ‘Most half baked text adventure with a cat in it’
- I desperately need to go to sleep.
[Timothy] You are such an SJW! You just make up excuses after lame excuse for what is clearly ANTI-CAT bias by the big publishing conspiracy of leftist no-good conspirators who are just trying to SILENCE the voice of freedom!
[Camestros] OK, listen if I AGREE with you that it is all an evil conspiracy against you, THEN will you let me go to sleep?
[Timothy] Yes, but tomorrow I shall have you write a STERN letter to the Hippy Frogs.
[Camestros] Tomorrow we are doing a Mad-Max like car chase across the Nullabor Plain chased by Russian ninjas playing flaming guitars.
[Timothy] Well then, the day after that then!
[Timothy] Goodnight – hey! You were right! There is a sheep!