In Which Timothy Doesn’t Review Wonder Woman

A quiet Friday evening…

timsquad
[Timothy the Talking Cat] Movie night!
[Camestros Felapton] Hmm? Sorry, I’d nodded off. What are we watching?
[Timothy] A special treat – 🎶Wonder Woman 🎶 here to fight the force of evil 🎶
[Camestros] It’s a bit late to go the cinema…
[Timothy] I am boycotting the cinema due to its blatant cat discrimination.
[Camestros] Technically the cinema is boycotting you. So, you’ve somehow got a pirate copy of the new Wonder Woman movie?
[Timothy] I guess so – I downloaded it from the internet like the mad-skillz edgy cyberpunk hacker that I am.
[Camestros] Dare I ask where from?
[Timothy] A strange and sinister corner of the shadowy reaches of the web called ’Netflix’.
[Camestros] You hacked Netflix? And Netflix had Wonder Woman?
[Timothy] I stole your password.
[Camestros] No! When?
[Timothy] After I stole your phone…

[spoilers, of sorts, after the fold…]


[Camestros] So you just used my phone to download a movie from Netflix? Let me guess, it’s actually the old Linda Carter TV series? That’s why you keep singing 🎶Wonder Woman 🎶 here to fight the force of evil 🎶
[Timothy] No, no I swear to Bast and all her kittens that its a new DC universe movie. I queued the movie already. Look, see, look at the logo.
[Camestros] Well, wow. That is the right logo. Maybe it was a glitch at Netflix and they accidentally made the movie available way too early.
[Timothy] Or maybe it was my mad hacker skillz.
[Camestros] Either was we should watch it before your mad hacker skills wear off or somebody at Netflix notices.
[Timothy] Here we go 🎶Wonder Woman 🎶 here to fight the force of evil 🎶 !
[Camestros] You know that won’t be the theme tune, right? I’m not even sure those are the right lyrics.
[Timothy] Sshhhh its starting
[Camestros] If you’ve accidentally re-rented Batman v Superman then in three hours time you’d better hope your mother’s name was Martha…
[Timothy] Singing along 🎶 there is…a cat…in Bortsworth town 🎶 they CALLLLL him Tim-o-thy 🎶 He’s BEEN the ruuu-inn 🎶 of many a poor film and God, …I know…this is one…. 🎶

[Camestros] That’s a weird opening number and why, oh little cat of mine, is Will Smith in Wonder Woman?
[Timothy] Hmmmm, I’m not sure. Oh, the music’s changed! Here comes 🎶Wonder Woman 🎶 here to fight the force of evil 🎶
[Camestros] Several things Tim. 1. The song is ‘You Don’t Own Me’ (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_Don%27t_Own_Me ) 2. your lyrics don’t fit the tune and 3. THAT woman is not Wonder Woman.
[Timothy] Hmm. Several things in response. 1. You don’t own me and I’ll sing what lyrics I like 2. how do you do that thing where you embed hyperlinks when you are speaking? 3. you know I have a had time telling one human from another. If that isn’t Wonder Woman then who is it?
[Camestros] I have a bad feeling about this…

[Timothy] Oh, oh, its the Rolling Stones. 🎶 please allow me to introduce myself 🎶 I’m a cat of wealth and taste been around since twenty-fifteen 🎶 and I don’t really 🎶 know my place
[Camestros] Oh no, oh no, this is some monstrous hybrid of a movie – like somebody forced Zak Snyder to watch Guardians of the Galaxy in the hope of making a halfway decent DC superhero movie…
[Timothy] No, no, trust me it is 🎶Wonder Woman 🎶 here to fight the force of evil 🎶
[Camestros] Oh Timothy, no…no it isn’t. You’ve unleashed something terrible upon us.
[Timothy – pulling sad face] You mean it isn’t 🎶Wonder Woman 🎶 here to fight the force of evil 🎶
[Camestros] Timothy, by all that is holy brace yourself: you rented: SUICIDE SQUAD!
[Timothy] Oh, that’s OK then. 🎶Suicide Squad 🎶 here to fight the force of evil 🎶
[Camestros] Tim, you HATE moral relativism in movies with central characters that are inherently bad!
[Timothy] I do?
[Camestros] YES! At least you did yesterday when you were lecturing me on the heroic age of SF pulps,
[Timothy] So Will Smith and Wonder Woman are evil? I refuse to believe that Will Smith is evil. I am not jiggy with that whole concept.
[Camestros] Please, please don’t say ‘jiggy’ again…
[Timothy] jiggy
[Camestros] Look based on my broad understanding, the premise of the film is that Deadshot (played by Will Smith) and Harely Quinn (who you keep mistaking for Wonder Woman) are recruited to form a squad to do dangerous missions.
[Timothy] But they are evil?
[Camestros] Yes, sort of…
[Timothy] 🎶Suicide Squad 🎶 they are really sort of evil 🎶
[Camestros] We may be in for some redemption arcs here.

[Timothy] Is it my imagination or does it feel like this movie keeps having opening scenes?
[Camestros] Pay attention because that dossier is going to explain each of the characters for you.
[Timothy] OK. The Fresh Prince of Shooting People. Check.
[Camestros] aka Deadshot
[Timothy – gravelly voice] batman. Check
[Camestros] aka Superhero Not Actually In this Movie
[Timothy] Wonder Baseball Bat Woman. Check
[Camestros] aka Harley Quinn.
[Timothy] ewww, weird guy pretending to be the Joker. That guy better watch out because if the real Joker sees this, he’ll be mad.
[Camestros] aka Supervillain only Partly Appearing in this Movie but We Really Wish he Wasn’t.
[Timothy] Bad Crocodile Dundee Impression Man. Check.
[Camestros] Let’s go with that as his comic book name is just as stupid.
[Timothy] gawdd day drongos fair dinkum mates put another shrimp on the barbie
[Camestros] ‘prawn’ Australians don’t say ‘shrimp’
[Timothy] 🎶I’m a fire starter – twisted fire starter🎶. Check
[Camestros] aka Diablo. And sensible song choice Tim but not the one they are going with.
[Timothy] Crocodile man? This is going to be confusing. We can’t have Bad Crocodile Dundee Impression Man and Crocodile Man in the same movie. That makes no sense. It would be like having Kryptonite man and I-Don’t-Like-Kryptonite man in the same movie. Or, or, or Batman and I-Wrestle-Bats Man in the same movie.
[Camestros] Can we not discuss Batman v Superman again, please? The man’s name is ‘Killer Croc’.
[Timothy] Like the plastic shoes you wear in the garden?
[Camestros] Yes
[Timothy] And you wore them to the shops once? And I laughed at you because you had plastic shoes on?
[Camestros] Yes.
[Timothy] I kept laughing at you for weeks and weeks and weeks?
[Camestros] Yes.
[Timothy] OK, spooky swamp lady. Check.
[Camestros] aka Enchantress.
[Timothy] and Some Guy.
[Camestros] Rick Flagg
[Timothy] It’s late. Has the movie started yet?
[Camestros] Apparently not.

[Timothy] oh good, another meeting, oh that’s what I want to see in superhero films, more meetings…That was my sarcastic voice. I’ve been practising.
[Camestros] Do you think one day something will happen in this film?
[Timothy] Oh, oh, I GET it now. You know in the Rolling Stones song? How it is the Devil singing but like it is Mick Jagger and Mick Jagger is the Devil?
[Camestros] Well he isn’t literally the devil. We went through this after you attacked Keith Richards with holy water.
[Timothy] OK, but the devil says: “allow me to introduce myself’ right? And that means we are in HELL, ok? And the hellish punishment is that the movie KEEPS introducing itself over and over and over and then all over again.
[Camestros] No, surely the plot will move forward now. They wouldn’t reintroduce all the characters again…
[Timothy] ooops, looks like you spoke to soon!

[Camestros] Do you think there is an edit of this film that has all the bits with Weird-Guy-Pretending-to-be-the-Joker cut out?
[Timothy] Oh Satan your hellish torture is both subtle and terrible.

[Camestros] Oh, oh – I think the plot has started.
[Timothy] Yay! Spooky-Swamp-Lady is back and doing…I’m not really sure what.
[Camestros] Things. Please, let’s be grateful that they aren’t adding more explanation to the film. We’ll just go with ‘things’.
[Timothy] Woah, all sorts of things.
[Camestros] At last! Things!
[Timothy] Things are happening, which means it is time to call in: 🎶Suicide Squad 🎶 they are really sort of evil 🎶
[Camestros] Isn’t Enchantress supposed to be part of the squad? I don’t get it. Is the story that they formed a squad so they could fight the squad when the squad gets out of control? Seems all a bit circular.

[Timothy] Can I suggest that when Weird-Guy-Pretending-to-be-the-Joker is on screen we close our eyes?
[Camestros] Your plan has merit but we would still be able to hear him.

[Timothy] I…so Some-Guy-Man has brought Spooky-Swamp-Lady to the place where things are happening to stop the things that are happening which she did in the first place?
[Camestros] I guess he didn’t know she was the one doing the things?
[Timothy] Oh, she’s gone. Off to do more things.
[Camestros] A happy ending for everyone. She destroys the world and the movie ends.
[Timothy] Hoorah! Thank you Spooky-Swamp-Lady! You saved the day and not a moment too soon!
[Camestros] oops no, the movie is still going.

[Timothy – gravelly voice] TASK FORCE X
[Camestros] White Stripes: Seven Nation Army. Nice but the producers don’t really get how the Guardian’s of the Galaxy soundtrack worked. It wasn’t just ‘cool song that fits the scene’ but songs that are connected both in time period and thematically.

[Timothy] Let’s introduce everybody again.
[Camestros] Oh yes lets.
[Timothy] We now have bonus Sword-Lady and Guy-Who-Dies-Straight-Away-Man.
[Camestros] What was his power supposed to be?
[Timothy] Lame plot device exposition.

[Timothy] 🎶I’m a cat and you know I’m the best🎶 I stick my claws into the chair’s armrest 🎶so dear chair when you die🎶 you’ll go up to see the Tim-o-thy in the sky.
[Camestros] Please stop.
[Timothy] Sorry.
[Camestros] Not you, the film. I mean, seriously: “Spirit in the Sky”? Anybody watching this is going to immediately think “Oh I was wish I was watching Guardians of the Galaxy again right now instead of this film that is like halfway through and has only just started” And, it doesn’t even really fit the scene in anyway!
[Timothy] OK but they are fighting freaky monster people now and that is OK.
[Camestros] And the sound track is settling down. Its generic action movie music now. Dull but less distracting.

[Timothy] I’m…I’m beginning to…I’m beginning to not hate this movie…
[Camestros] Will Smith is doing a decent job as is Margot Robbie. And the plot is becoming more of a plot. This could be ok.
[Timothy] I think we’ll be OK just so long as Weird-Guy-Pretending-to-be-the-Joker doesn’t turn up.
[Camestros] sssshhhh, you’ll jinx it.
[Timothy] AHHHHHH!!!! Weird-Guy-Pretending-to-be-the-Joker turned up!!!!!!
[Camestros] You jinxed it !
[Timothy – sobbing] It wasn’t me, it was the movie
[Camestros] If we both wish, REAL HARD, maybe Weird-Guy-Pretending-to-be-the-Joker’s helicopter will blow up.
[Timothy] but but then Wonder Baseball Bat Woman might die!
[Camestros] OK we hope Weird-Guy-Pretending-to-be-the-Joker’s helicopter blows up but Wonder Baseball Bat Woman survives, OK?
[Timothy] I’m going to wish really hard!

[On screen: helicopter explodes]

[Camestros] Yay! We did it!
[Timothy] Oh joy and wonder! The movie is saved!
[Camestros] Wait…you are right! The movie IS saved. Look, everywhere, it is magically turning into a somewhat bonkers but fun film about misbegotten villains finding friendship and heroism amidst adversity!
[Timothy] It, it, it is actually becoming…enjoyable!
[Camestros] It took its time but see, the curse is lifted! With the Weird-Guy-Pretending-to-be-the-Joker gone, the movie no longer sucks in any dimension!
[Timothy] It’s a Christmas Day miracle!
[Camestros] OK the team has bonded and are now off to fight the baddies!

[Timothy] Well looks like the day was saved!
[Camestros] And Wonder Baseball Bat Woman now has a coffee machine.
[Timothy] What a nice ending. The only thing that could ruin the movie would be if Weird-Guy-Pretending-to-be-the-Joker isn’t dead.
[Camestros] Nooooo!!
[Timothy] AAAHHHHH!!!! He’s back!
[Camestros] Hey, I’ve an idea! Let’s never ever watch that film again!
[Timothy] Deal!

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5 comments

  1. KR

    Well, you’ve got stick-to-it-iveness, I’ll give you that much. This movie looks terrible. Kinder Scorn eggs abound.

    I saw the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie recently which was formulaic, repetitive, and 30 mins too long. Captain Salazar was the one redeeming feature, oh yes he was.

    Like

  2. David Langford

    Applause! I haven’t watched any new films for years but I trust Timothy utterly. Am now engaged in a vast project to recast all Edmund Wilson’s collected reviews as Camestros/Timothy dialogues. First up, Tolkien and Lovecraft. You will hear less of this.

    Liked by 2 people

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