Dear Mister Martin from Timothy T Cat

Dear Mister Martin,

Or can I call you George or Are-Are? You may remember me from my previous letters what I wrote you – specifically my lengthy inquiry as to whether Sue Perkins was a Stark or a Lannister or what? Camestros has since explained that I have been habitually confusing the BBC’s  ‘Great British Bake Off” with HBO’s “Games of Thrones”. This revelation has certainly cleared up many a query I had about where the story was going. Although I am still puzzled by the distinction between baking powder and baking soda – don’t worry! I understand a great writer like yourself has to have his secrets, so I’ll wait to find that out in the final episode.

My recent issues have been further compounded when I learnt of cast changes in your show and a change in venue. Now it is Sandi Toksvig? Is everybody turning into Sandi Toksvig? Stephen Fry turned into Sandi Toksvig as well and he was in the Hobbit – so don’t say it couldn’t happen to you. Camestros says that I am still getting that confused with The Great British Bake Off but I don’t see how because the show isn’t even called that in the United States, so how could HBO swap Sue Perkins for Sandy Toksvig? That makes no sense! Also, Sue Perkins is still on television but has her own rebel army which has declared a kingdom in the North – I’m guessing to revenge Sean Bean who failed the Mary Berry Signature Walnut Frosted Layer Cake Challenge in season 1.

Anyway, Noel Fielding is definitely a Targaryen – so at least that’s been cleared up.

Down to business! You sir, are a busy man or so I was told when I suggested writing this letter. What you may not know is that I am one of the best author/editor/publishers this side of the M25. Now between you, me and the scratching post, I have heard that many of your fans are impatient to find out how your epic ends and you don’t know because – like, how could you know? They probably haven’t even picked the contestants for next seasons Games of Thrones or even what baking challenges they will have to face! (Hope it’s not the caramelised walnuts again!) Yes, everybody wants another amazing twist like the Red Velvet Cake Wedding again but don’t those bozos know it isn’t a twist if you know it is going to happen! I feel you pain George, I do. Your fans are bozos. There, I said it. I hope you aren’t offended because we both know it is true. Don’t believe me? Just ask Mary Berry.

Anyhoo. Here is what I’m thinking. Why don’t I write a book to finish off your epic? Ha, ha, don’t worry – it won’t be the real end! No, you can keep writing your own ending but I can write a PRETEND ending. This way, all those bozos will think ‘Oh, Games of Thrones is over now and now I know how it ended! Who’d have thought the ice zombie monsters had all the thrones all that time! I guess that’s the end of the games!’ See? Then they leave you alone and you can work on more yummy recipes for the next season in peace. When you are finished you can say ‘Psyche bozos! That wasn’t the real ending! Here is the real ending – Sean Bean’s back and this time he has a flamethrower!’

My fee would be $1 million US. That may seem cheap but I need the money pretty sharpish to pay off a Russian dry cleaners that are holding my green suit hostage. I either pay them a million dollars or they release the recordings to CNN.

Let me know your thoughts ASAP

TTFN

Tim RR Cat

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10 comments

  1. Mark

    “What you may not know is that I am one of the best author/editor/publishers this side of the M25.”

    Which side – the inside or the outside?

    Like

  2. KR

    CEASE AND DESIST NOTICE

    Dear Mr Timothy T Cat, Esq (MBE, MBA* from Trump University, Barrow-on-Furness campus; class of 2016, real estate and flame-throwing double major), c/o Felapton Towers

    You have been consistently and repeatedly warned to cease contacting our client Christopher “Coldplay” Martin with correspondence clearly intended for another person. At this point, we must assume that you are either not opening your mail or you are intentionally inflicting emotional distress on well-known vegetarian, clean-living songster.

    Your missives have expressed an putative concern for rates of artistic productivity and appear to labor under the misguided impression that print authors and/or musical composers release work on a schedule to suit you. They do not. While you may have the time and emotional instability to be able to compose daily, multi-page letters of advice and complaint that are sent indiscriminately and erroneously to our office (and, we assume, many others), we assure you that it takes more than that to produce works of enduring artistic value.

    Additionally, although your letters are addressed to a prominent fantasy author with a high body-count, they do retain enough cryptic references to our Client’s body of work that we have become alarmed on his behalf. When your delusional sputterings speak of bringing “death and all his friends”, or complain of the use of “twisted logic” or ask for more ghost stories and threaten “a rush of blood to the head”, it seems evident that you are not just confused but have constructed your own reality that constitutes a real and present danger to anyone with the surname of Martin who occasionally wears a jaunty cap and embraces Hispanic culture.

    Accordingly, we order you to Cease and Desist immediately or we will meet you in a multi-jurisdictional, international, time-travelling, cross-cultural court for a restraining order, Judge K. L. (Karl Leonhard) Reinhold presiding. As we will most assuredly win our suit, my unpaid intern/ neighborhood bully Nelson Muntz wishes to mock your poor addressing skills further by pointing and adding “Har Har.”

    Best regards,

    Lionel Hutz, Attorney-at-Law
    Springfield, USA (USA!!!, USA !!!)

    *Degree in progress, pending clearance of Mar-a-Lago club membership cheque.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: Pixel Scroll 4/20/17 How Many Books Must A Pixel Scroll Down Before You Can Call Him A Fan? | File 770

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