A Cat Reviews: LOGAN

[Spoilers follow]

CF: And….we are in! Bingo. Mission Accomplished.  In the cinema, fair and square with a movie tailor made for one blood thirsty cat!
Timothy: Yay!!!!!!
CF: Get ready for some serious mutant action in LOGAN!!!!!
Timothy: You mean LION!!!!!


CF: No, Logan, remember. It’s Logan we are going to see.
Timothy: I wanted to see Lion.
CF: Tim, we went through this. I explained, remember. ‘Lion’ is a heart-warming story about somebody rediscovering their lost family, NOT a film about a mutant man-lion.
Timothy: Yes, but…you lie. SJW’s always lie. Ergo, you is lying. Ergo Lion is about a mutant man-lion man. GRRRRRR.
CF: And then we both sat and read the review in the newspaper.
Timothy: FAKE REVIEWS! FAKE NEWS! Lamestream media, CNN, BBC, NYT fake NEWS!
CF: And we watched the Graham Norton Show and Nicole Kidman explained the plot. You like Graham Norton.
Timothy: I like it when he pulls the lever and the people in the chair fall over. That’s funny.
CF: So….
Timothy: Still…FAKE NEWS!
CF: OK, can we just pretend that this is Lion?
Timothy: Maybe. What’s it about.
CF: Well it is Hugh Jackman…
Timothy: Oh! I love Huge Ackman! He plays da na na na da na na na CAT MAN!
CF: Wolverine
Timothy: Hmm I think you will find the character’s name is cat man. Seriously, what’s a ‘Wolverine’? Nobody knows what a ‘Wolverine’ is. He is CAT MAN. He has those claws that go SNIK! Just like my claws – see [SNIK]
CF: OWW! SHIT FUCK OWWW! THTA BLOODY HURT!
Timothy: CAT MAN!
CF: grrr, I’m bleeding you effin piece of furry shit!
Timothy: I am the BEST at what I do.
CF: [sobs quitely]
Timothy: ssshhhhh!!!! It’s starting.
CF: I swear, I swear I’m going to buy a pet less savage…like a Tasmanian devil or something.

Timothy: Cat man is sleeping as cat men do. In the back of a car. Ooopss. Stupid humans, you dare disturb the slumber of the mighty Cat Man?!
CF: I came here for pathos.
Timothy: Who interupts the sleep of the mighty cat man? You’d better be bringing treats! Oh, you are not bringing treats puny humans then…what? Cat man don’t take that kind of crap from the stupid humans!
CF: The film is going to take a more nuanced view of Logan as a character rather than as a killing machine…oh…ouch
Timothy: You were saying? That’s the way to do it! Cat man use the claws Bast gave you! Snik! Slice! Stab! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
CF: That was…graphic…
Timothy: Cat man just being a cat. Lion is a great movie. See, I knew that IMDB was part of a liberal conspiracy just like Alex Jones said.
CF: No, but seriously, this movie is Logan.

….

Timothy: Who is the bald guy?
CF: Stephen Merchant I think.
Timothy: That means nothing to mean. Is he meant to be a scary hairless cat person?
CF: No he is the mutant Caliban.
Timothy: He is good at ironing.
CF: A rare talent.
Timothy: A mutant ability.
CF: It requires a sixth sense that allows you to not actually make all the creases even worse.
Timothy: And a zen like patience.
CF: An x-factor if you will.
Timothy: His superhero name should be IRON MAN.
CF: That’s taken I think.
Timothy: And it’s another bald guy. Is this the land of bald people?
CF: Patrick Stewart, or as I like to call him: KARLA.
Timothy: I don’t get it.
CF: Six degrees of fandom.
Timothy: I try to erase my memory every time you say ‘fandom’.
CF: You take an actor and you have to connect them as directly as possible to a different fandom. So Patrick Stewart, is Professor Xavier and Captain Picard but he was also Karla in the BBC adaptation of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier Spy by John Le Carre, in which Alec Guinness played George Smiley aka Obi Wan Kenobi…
Timothy: I have never been more invested in watching a film rather than listening to you.
CF: …And in the cinematic remake of Tinker, Tailor, Smiley was played by Gary Oldman, who was in the Christopher Nolan Batman films AND was in the Harry Potter films.
Timothy: ssshhhh, Catman is explaining the plot.
CF: That’s like 100 points in Six Degrees of Fandom. Not as many points as Shallow Grave but still not bad.

Timothy: Kitten Girl!
CF: I don’t think she has a superhero name.
Timothy: Then kitten girl is a good start. Marvel has a severe lack of cat superheroes.
CF: What about Black Panther?
Timothy: A timely addition to their cinematic pantheon but somewhat late to the proceedings.
CF: OH! OUCH! OW!
Timothy: I didn’t touch you!
CF: I’m reacting to the onscreen violence -which is far more, OH GROSS!, than I expected.
Timothy: That’s just how things are when you are man who is also a cat. What do you think these claws are for. I too know the emotional pain from too much snik, snik claw stabbing into skulls.
CF: Mainly the local bird life.
Timothy: Old baldy guy can zap people’s brains.
CF: It is kind of sad.
Timothy: Can you zap people’s brains?
CF: I’m not psychic.
Timothy: No, I mean like with talking about spreadsheets and stuff until they become SO overwhelmed with boredom that they just FREEZE and then I can be like stab, stab, stab.
CF: You are a monster.
Timothy: I’m not the one who fried everybody’s brains in Westchester after talking so much about the benefits of the dot-xlsx format in Excel over the dot-xls format. It was like time froze and blood leaked out of people’s ears because it was just INCREDIBLY boring. We should get a kitten.
CF: Huh?
Timothy: A kitten.
CF: Oh, so you’ve finished insulting me?
Timothy: Yeah. We should buy a kitten.
CF: I don’t buy animals.
Timothy: OK, we should adopt one and then I can be Cat Man and you can be Professor eXcel-bore, and Mr Atomic can be ironing-man and I can teach the kitten to murder mutant hunting goons.
CF: Or, we could not do any of that because it is an appalling idea.

….

Timothy: MORE CLAW STABBING!
CF: I think you may be enjoying this too much.
Timothy: stabby stabby stabby stabby, stabby stabby stabby stabby CAT MAN
CF: I think it is intended as an examination of the facet of the Wolverine character…
Timothy: Cat man character…
CF: sorry, Cat man character as a being of rage – not unlike the Hulk – rather than the more controlled ronin/bushido elements of Logan.
Timothy: Cat man clone showdown!
CF: You know Richard E Grant was in the animated version of Douglas Adams script of the un-filmed Doctor Who story Scream of the Shalka, as well as the Red Nose Day spoof…
Timothy: SSHHHHH…Can’t listen, watching violence…

Timothy: !
CF: Don’t cry little cat.
Timothy: but…
CF: It was all heading this way…
Timothy: blub, blub,
CF: Look the film is about mortality and…
Timothy: Cat man! Why Cat Man!
CF: Timothy there’s no living with… with a killing. There’s no going back from one. Right or wrong, it’s a brand. A brand sticks. There’s no going back. Now you run on home to your mother, and tell her… tell her everything’s all right. And there aren’t any more guns in the valley.
Timothy: Huh?
CF: I was doing ‘Shane’
Timothy: Poor Cat man. He never did find that village in India where he was born before he got lost on that train.
CF: I…never mind…look kitten girl got away!
Timothy: Hooray! Now she can stab people in the face for my entertainment!
CF: Well once again we arrive one hundred and eighty degrees away from the film’s actual point…
Timothy: I am satisfied.
CF: Oh, and in the recent TV adaptation of John Le Carre’s The Night Manager, the titular character was…
Timothy: [SNIK!]
CF: OWWWWW!!!!

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2 comments

  1. delagar

    This was wonderful.

    “Timothy: I have never been more invested in watching a film rather than listening to you.” <– My favorite bit. Well, next to: "We should get a kitten."

    Liked by 1 person