Timothy’s Appalling  Hugo “Slate”

Hellloooo bozos,

Camelteeth Floopypants has no internets and that leaves me in charge of the blog using stolen wifi from the mock Tudor Starbucks on the High Street.

To action! Checking Cibbleteeth Fellover’s emails I see that Hugo nominations close WITHIN DAYS and not “sometime in September” like what he said the other day.

With no forward-looking leadership from Straw Puppy it falls to me, Timothy the Talking Cat, to guide you, weak minded bozos of the world, in your proper choices.

Remember that this year the rules have changed! The social justice witches have put their broomsticks together and decided that you can no longer just vote for Dune over and over again. But no fear! As a grandmaster of non-euclidean hyperbolic  7-dimensional chequers, I can adjust my plans accordingly. See below!

1. Best Novel: Heretics of Dune. Ha! Outwitted EPH in one fell swoop!

2. Best Telenovella: Kennedy Park, Lima, Peru https://www.tripadvisor.com.au/Attraction_Review-g294316-d2441173-Reviews-Parque_Kennedy_Parque_Central_de_Miraflores-Lima_Lima_Region.html

3. Best Towelette: Wet Wipes

4. Best shorts: I don’t wear pants.

5. Biggest related jerk. Cousin Bob the Bobcat who lives in Caithness. He is just a mangy feral cat but pretends he’s a bobcat. What a jerk.

6. Most Dramatic Pheasant Nation. I think Scotland wins this year.

7. Most Traumatic Presentation Tort Reform: A fascinating  5 hour PowerPoint presentation from the Heritage Foundation which I confess I slept through.

8. Best Redditor: r/notactuallyaheavingcesspooloftoxichatredhiddenbehindcatpicturesandunfunnymemes

9. Best Nuclear Submarine: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_submarine_Yury_Dolgorukiy_(K-535)

K 535 we love you

K535 we do

Underneath the sea you sail

And we think of you

Do you have a cat on board?

I bet you always do

That is why

K535

We always love  you

10. Best kibble: Earthborn Holistic Ocean Fusion – which I get imported from Australia. It’s holistic rather than reductionist.

11. Best blood product: Lancastrian black pudding.

12. Best thing I did when staying with the lady from the post office: I hid in the pantry and pretended to be the cat from Aliens.

13. There was too a cat in Aliens and no, I’m not thinking of Alien.

14. The cat is hiding from the aliens – obviously.

15. Also the facehuggers are too big to stick to cat faces – so the jokes on them.

16. There isn’t a cat in Predator because of demarcation issues and union agreements.

I think that is all the categories. Remember to follow this special ESP deafting strategy

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5 comments

  1. Cora

    I’m not sure if I should let our wannabe cat overlord know, but somehow Timothy’s categories don’t match those on the Hugo ballot I filled out yesterday.

    Like

    • camestrosfelapton

      [Timothy replies] You can’t censor my freedom with your ‘categories’ and your ‘rules’ and our ‘hypertext transfer protocols’ – i mean that has THREE words and it’s initials has FOUR letters. You can’t tell me there isn’t something fishy going on there and I don’t mean ‘fishy’ in a good way like the salty aroma of Earthborn Holisitic Ocean Fusion in a bowl coated in a Starbuck soy latte with extra shot that the nice man gave me – I say nice but he looked like a hipster and he was a barista but Camblesouphead Fenistrator says a hipster wouldn’t be seen dead in a Starbucks so maybe he was just a weekend hipsters.

      Like

  2. Pingback: Pixel Scroll 3/11/17 It’s Always In The Last Pixel You Scroll | File 770

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