Doctor Who and the Da…Alt-Timelords

It is fine winter’s afternoon at Felapton Towers…


[Camestros] schrllgulup schrllgulup schrllgulup…
[Timothy] wuh? wah?
[Camestros] schrllgulup schrllgulup schrllgulup…
[Timothy] Stop it. Whatever that is that you are doing, stop it.
[Camestros] Opportunity of a lifetime old boy!
[Timothy] It’ll be the end of your lifetime if you wake me up like that again.
[Camestros] Look, see. [shoves an antique walnut and silver Galaxy Note 7 at Timothy]
[Timothy] The headline says: “Oh my god he’s going to kill us all isn’t he?”
[Camestros] No, no, not the US Politics section, below that. Entertainment.
[Timothy] Beyonce is going to have twins! Hooray!
[Camestros] Below that.
[Timothy] Hmmm ‘Peter Capaldi will be leaving Doctor Who’. Hmm…

[Camestros] Exactly!
[Timothy] Oh you’re not going to start a petition to have Michelle Obama become the new Doctor Who, are you? Because don’t, just don’t.
[Camestros] I’ve a better plan! How about I become the new Doctor!
[Timothy] Hmmm, yeah I can see that… you think you’re smarter than you are, you keep cycling through genres and lack any overarching direction, smug, pretentiously British…
[Camestros] OK, OK enough. I have a simple plan. I record an example episode of Doctor Who, starring myself (naturally), and then send it to the BBC who will be blown away by how good it is and bob’s your uncle!
[Timothy] (sigh) So when do we start?
[Camestros] We already have! That was me, a moment ago making Tardis materialising noises!
[Timothy] So it wasn’t you coughing up a hairball?
[Camestros] And you get to play a part as well!
[Timothy] Ooooh! Do I get to be The Master?
[Camestros] You get to be my trusty companion.
[Timothy] Sexy companion I think you’ll find.
[Camestros] If you insist.
[Timothy] ….
[Camestros] What are you doing?
[Timothy] I’m being sexy.
[Camestros] Whatever you are doing it doesn’t look very sexy…
[Timothy] It does to cats – trust me, if you were a cat you’d be averting your eyes so as not to be overwhelmed by my sexiness.
[Camestros] Maybe tone it down a bit then – it’s a family show.
[Timothy] The show will be a big hit with the cat demographic. OK, so what’s the scene?
[Camestros] Well, we’ve landed on this mysterious planet and…
[Timothy] What’s my name?
[Camestros] Um, you can be ‘Timmy’ – the brave but naive Earth cat and you can call me ‘Doctor’. Anyway, we’ve landed on this mysterious planet and I’m going to wander off and you are going to stay here.
[Timmy] OK Doctor! Whoah…hold on. This isn’t going to turn into some torturous political allegory, is it? You not going to photoshop a Slitheen orange and stick a wig on its head and call it ‘Trump’?
[Camestros/Doctor] No! Of course not. Nothing of the kind. Just classic Doctor Who action!
[Timmy] OK ‘Doctor’ you go off and explore and I, your trusty but sexy companion, will just lie here in this handy cat basket and guard the Tardis which is currently disguised as a stack of cardboard boxes with ‘Police’ written on it.
[Doctor] Yes, and don’t wander off anywhere and get into some kind of trouble!
[Timmy] Yeah, whatever…(bozo)
[The Doctor leaves stage left]
[Timmy] The idiot has gone. Time to get back to my nap.

[Timmy] (cat snores)
[A Dalek enters stage right]
[Timmy] EEEEEKKKKK!!!!! A Dalek!
[Dalek] Whoah! Who are you calling ‘Dalek’?
[Timmy] You! You! I’m calling YOU a Dalek! Don’t zap me! I surrender!
[Dalek] OMG that is SO offensive. How dare you call me a ‘Dalek’. I’ll have you know, I’m an alt-Timelord.
[Timmy] But you’ve got the Dalek bumps and the plunger and everything.
[Dalek] That is just so typical of shallow conservatives like you. Look, I am a strong supporter of school voucher programs. Now, would a Dalek support school voucher programs?
[Timmy] Um, I guess not.
[Dalek] And look at my head, go on, just look at it.
[Timmy] It’s green and you’ve stuck googly eyes on the indicator light things.
[Dalek] Now, would a Dalek do that?
[Timmy] I guess not…
[Dalek] I’m just a Timelord who likes to think outside the box a bit, you know? Likes to try out new ideas to help make the galaxy great again. Sure I like to discuss hypothetically whether we should EXTERMINATE ALL THE THALS FOR THE GLORY OF SKARO but does that make me a monster?
[Timmy] EEEEEEKKKK!!!! You said ‘exterminate’ in a scary Dalek voice!
[Dalek] I said ‘hypothetically’ – I’m just like REALLY open to new ideas, that’s all.
[Timmy] Such as?
[Dalek] Well ideas like EXTERMINATE for example.
[Timmy] OK, sounds fair enough I guess. Why have you made your head look like a frog?
[Dalek] (chuckles) Well being a modern alt-Timelord, I like to keep up with the latest online trends and OWWW!
[The Doctor has entered and is hitting the Dalek with a petrified petunia]
[Doctor] Take that – you, you epitome of evil in pepper pot form!
[Dalek] You’re infringing my freedom of speech!
[Timmy] Wait Doctor! That’s no Dalek, it’s an alt-Timelord!
[Doctor] Timmy, it’s a Dalek that has just stuck some googly eyes to its head, Timmy! Don’t be fooled!
[Timmy] If you hit a Dalek then you become a Dalek!
[Doctor] No you don’t. That’s like…Weeping Angels or something!
[Dalek] The left are out of control!
[Doctor] Quick, throw porridge at its eye-stalk.
[Dalek] You’re the real monsters! So much for the tolerant left! You’re being paid by George Soros! The mainstream media are covering up Cybermen attacks! The polls are skewed!
[Timothy] (breaking character) Hold on, hold on. Give me that script…aha!…I thought as much! “Act 2 – the Dalekenium mines. The Thal Democratic Party is toiling away digging a giant pit for the Daleks while discussing the best way of reaching a compromise position on being smacked on the head by Robomen.” You PROMISED Camestros that this would NOT be some torturous political satire.
[Camestros] No, I promised it wouldn’t be an orange Slitheen in a wig.
[Timothy] Yeah, well I’m done. I’m going back to bed.
[Dalek] Wait, wait! I’ve got a brilliant plan to get Davros to build us a new social media platform!

[Camestros] Damn, I didn’t manage to work in a Davros/DeVos pun in there.

[Camestros runs away as lawyers representing Terry Nation approach…]



  1. Mark

    I’m terribly sorry, but everyone knows that the Tardis makes a bwoooovuurp sound, not schrllgulup. Therefore your argument is invalid.

    (But seriously, I can’t actually work out how to write that damn sound down. Almost as if it’s got an unearthly origin….)