11/18/2016 by Timothy the Talking Cat: Lead Fake News Reporter
Likely appointees to the President Elect’s cabinet were spotted in the lobby of a Trump-brand hotel early yesterday. The sighting has led to excited speculation about the incoming government.
Governor Bob Sameguy is seen by many as a moderate choice. In his time as Governor he pulled back on election promises to make the State Metaphor “a boot stamping on a human face forever”.
His policies of rounding up members of school boards who didn’t agree with controversial textbook changes and locking them in dark oubliettes until they conceded that “cigarettes clear the lungs of toxins”, was seen by some as “controversial”. However, others praised Governor Sameguy’s tough, no-nonsense attitude.
His hobbies include standing in store front windows pretending to be a mannequin.
RZXT-1002.02 is a prototype human head life-support machine. Topped by the cloned head of Vladimir Putin, RZXT-1002.02 is the brain child of researchers employed by an anonymous Silicon Valley billionaire.
Partly a puppet of Russian hackers and partly a barely living testament to human hubris in the face of mortality, RZXT-1002.02 has been described as “a walking repudiation of medical ethics”.
His views of involuntary organ donation have been called ‘not mainstream GOP policy’ by some Republican critics. However, friends of RZXT-1002.02 say that he is deeply misunderstood and his habit of staring at people’s bellies and whispering ‘I need your pancreas to be whole’ are just playful hi-jinks.
Stephen ‘Steve’ Bollocks. Editor of the outspoken web magazine Boll-Ocks which has championed a new and more exciting take on conservatism with headlines like: “They Are All Whispering About You Behind Your Back” and “You Know in Your Heart All Your Friends Hate You” and “OBEY, OBEY, OBEY”.
Critics have repeatedly said about Steve that “He literally is one of those guys from that movie They Live! Seriously, look at him! Can’t you see it?” Steve takes this viewpoint in his stride. “I’m really just a good old fashioned libertarian. Using alien mind control techniques is just my way of expressing myself. I’m just trying to protect the first amendment by making sure SJWs are driven underground. Maybe into dark, dark caves.”
Eldritch inter-dimensional horror shows some of the complexity and depth of this set of picks. The commitment of the new government to the social views of the late H.P.Lovercraft are well known but by appointing Eldritch to the State Department, the new government will put the USA on track to better relations with the unspeakable horrors that wait at the gates of infinity to consume our minds.
Eldritch was regarded as an early possibility for a cabinet post but sources close to him had indicated that he had been undecided. “He finds some of the other choices to be a bit creepy,” a personal friend of Eldritch has indicated.
Mannequin Mike is an off-shelf product display unit for the use in the retail merchandising of menswear. Fully articulated, Mike can be put in a wide variety of poses and is a popular choice among many leading department stores.
Mike is thought to have come to the attention of the transition team, after a group of college students stole him and dressed him up a Rudolph Hess.
Mike’s hobbies include standing in state legislatures and pretending to be a GOP lawmaker.
Spiderling Nest #200 is the hollowed out husk of a human being, within which a silk encrusted ball of preternatural scions of a spider god, chitter and scitter and feast on the dark thoughts that surround them. In the presence of hatred they grow and grow, consuming dark emotions as if they were the internal juices of corpse-maggots.
Spiderling Nest #200 is hoping for Education or Environment positions. Regarded as the most sympathetic to multilateral trade deals, Spiderling Nest #200 has a reputation as a policy wonk and is said to be looking forward to playing racquet ball with Paul Ryan.
Literally, just a bunch of internet trolls standing on each others heads and then covered in a suit.
Possibly being considered as Secretary for Memes or as Head of Ethics in Political Journalism, some have suggested that what is actually just a set of clothes animated by Twitter eggs, might not pass Congressional approval. Others have called on Democrats lawmakers to “Give them a chance” and that to not endorse this walking comment section would be “censorship and anti-freedom and like, totally not fair”