Camestros, I have no other choice but to ask for your help.
No. Other. Choice. people. This is where the Trump campaign is at. They’ve tried everything else but now, after much soul-searching, they know it is time to get Timothy on their side – and that means talking to me. They get to Timothy without going through me.
OK, Eric – take a seat and outline your proposal. You’ve got 4 minutes, so you’d better make it good.
Now that Labor Day weekend has come and gone, we’re in the final sprint towards Election Day. Will you please chip in $50 immediately to fund our voter-turnout operations? We need to raise $10 million in September and we need your urgent help to meet our goal.
Wait? Did you not read my last email? Eric, Eric, Eric, don’t come here with some lame plan to raise $10 million in $50 drips. You need a BIG idea, Eric. Something that will capture the imagination of a nation:
DINNER WITH TRUMP’S TAX ACCOUNTANT.
Timothy has worked it up into a PowerPoint. I say “PowerPoint”, it’s mainly a photo of him writing ‘dinner with trmps tax man guy’ with a sharpie on a cereal box but you get the idea.
During the past year, my father has activated a movement of patriotic, pro-America voters all across the country.
This is a nationwide movement of proud citizens who are fed up with the failures, the lies and the cowardice of career politicians and D.C. insiders.
Less with the ‘activated’ Eric – we aren’t supposed to let people know about the remote controlled satsuma-spider god zombie army.
You stand out as a leading supporter, Camestros, and you should be proud of the role you are playing in this incredible 50-state uprising of fed-up Americans.
I think you might be getting me confused with Timothy.
But the reality is that the presidential election will be decided in just a handful of “swing states.”
Also best to avoid ‘swinging’ references.
While my father has spent his time growing businesses and creating jobs, Hillary Clinton has been laying the groundwork for this campaign for many, many years.
Our team is growing fast!. And to continue our momentum going into the final days of the campaign, we are launching a September Victory Fund to ramp up our get-out-the-vote operations in key states.
Yes, that Hillary is a cunning operator. While Donald has been busy arguing with Scotland about golf course windmills, she has been perniciously out and about gathering skills and experience to do the job of US President well. She has been using her feminine whiles to research the issues and develop policy.
For September, we’re setting a $10 million online goal, and it’s a big number but I know we’ll hit it because of all the support we’re getting from loyal supporters like you, Camestros.
Every dollar you donate will help identify and turn out Republicans, right-thinking Independents, and disaffected Trump-supporting Democrats who are sick and tired of D.C. failures and ready to take back our government with a real outsider leading the charge.
When you put it like that, it sounds a bit sinister. Is it RFID chips in the hats isn’t it? I knew it! Come the Ascension day, all the hats activate! The Satsuma-Spider God Army Will Awaken! Thanks for the tip-off. I know you can’t talk about this openly so I’ll ixnay the references to the atsumasay iderspay odgay onsumingcay allway ourway oulsay.
Thank you, Eric Trump
No worries mate. You can see yourself out?
My father will be getting a list from me later,…
Tell me more about this list…
…with all the names of the people who donated to the Victory Fund today . . . ‘launch day’ for this September $10 million fund drive. I hope he sees your name at the top of the list, Camestros.
Wait, how is the list of names going to be sorted? Won’t Aaron A Aardvark be top of the list? If it is purely on cash value then how are you going to put a dollar-amount on priceless ideas like ‘dinner with trmps tax man guy’. Have you SEEN how tiny Timothy’s paws are? We aren’t talking opposable thumbs here. He has to grip that pen using his claws.
OK, here’s the deal. Timothy’s name goes on the list as 000#AAAA.TimothyTheTalkingCat OK? I’ll be checking with your dad, so don’t mess us around.